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Eloquent Eloquence: You May Have to Elba Him Before He Renners Straight Into Hiddleston

By Mrs. Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | August 10, 2012 |

By Mrs. Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | August 10, 2012 |

Eloquent Eloquence is a compilation of the best comments of the week. Comments in reviews are not eligible for inclusion. The Caption Contest is excluded as it has a real prize already associated with it, and not a virtue is its own reward, or an “it’s an honour just being nominated,” prize like EE has either.

There is a link in the commenter’s name that will take you to the original post.

The They Know What Women Want Comment of the Week goes to Samantha Haney Press. Her prize is a champagne puppyshoe cupcake:

I’d just like to point out how Elba’s picture not only has the man himself with a dog, but also: cupcakes, champagne, (likely) high-end ladies’ shoes, and crutches. The latter of which are probably there to help crushing viewers back to their feet after seeing this pic. Add in the gear-shaped wall clock (put a gear on it!) and the wallpaper (put a bird on it!) and this photo ticks every trope found on Pinterest or Tumblr.

The This Is Why I’m Not a Movie Critic Comment of the Week goes to everyone’s favourite overlord Dustin Rowles because he’s wonderful and not because I’m afraid of him:

A Sundance orgy?! Trust me when I say that would be the most unpleasant thing in the world to watch: A mass of beards, pasty skin, cellulite, awkwardness, and unwarranted self importance. Everyone would review each others’ performances, and try to be the first one to finish.

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The More’s the Pity Comment of the Week goes to Miley’s Virus. I respect her honesty, but I feel so let down. Next you’ll tell me Bob Frapples doesn’t:

I’m not actually a virus. I do not live in Miley Cyrus’ cooch. I cannot produce millions of exact replicas of myself per minute. I do not (usually) cause an itchy, lumpy rash. I cannot be transmitted via saliva or through sexual intercourse. Penicillin does me no harm. I have never been featured in an upskirt photo.

The Impressive Display of Sarcasm Comment of the Week goes to Brian Bernard for his spelling retort, although the Abe Lincoln syphillis joke was also aces:

Yes, my “shoppe”. This is normal spelling for the year 1897, where I currently reside, and live my life day to day. I’ve had many time traveling adventures—- space battles in the year 3047 with the Ganmult Society of Alpha Minor 4, teaching checkers to under-privileged cavemen during the dawn of time, the first airing of the “I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter” add campaign — and have found a modest, enjoyable lifestyle in the end of the 19th century. Using stolen technology from across time I’m able to send you this message using a techno-organic-message-transrelocator. But yes, it’s spelled shoppe.

The Nervous Laughter Comment of the Week goes to Groundloop. Please applaud gently as you back away slowly:

Well, I’m lined up with my sleeping bag and teddy bear. Though I’m not sure what I’m lined up for. Maybe if I’m the only one, I’m not “lined up” so much as “standing”. Anyway. My therapist tells me that I carry the sleeping bag and teddy bear in an attempt to recover a sense of security that I had as a child, but have since lost, but I think she’s trying to trick me into not saving my fingernail clippings in my right front pocket. And I’m not switching them to my left front pocket. No way, no how. That pocket is for for eyelashes.

What was our point again?

The I Can’t Look Away Comment of the Week goes to Maguita NYC for proving that comedy is indeed tragedy+time:

The first time I saw a somewhat explicit sex scene in a movie I was 9 years old.

My parents had a special place where they hid movies for more adult viewers, and thought us kids never knew about it. Until one day, I decided to take a peek. They were out and we had a 16 year-old babysitter who didn’t give a shit, so I simply slipped one movie in (back then it was still VHS), and fast-forwarded until I saw what I think was kinky weirdness.

A woman, fully clothed in long skirt and proper top, was hanging from a gym bar, and a naughty gym teacher had his hand under her skirt.

And the woman was making weird painful moaning sounds.

My 6 year-old sister looked at me with a huge question mark on her face, and of course as always, being the most knowledgeable secret agent for the Information Center for Tourists, I gave an answer, the way I understood the situation:

“The bad-bad man is viciously pulling out all her pubic hair.’

At 12 years old my sister started shaving all her pubes. How do I know this? My father kept on embarrassingly accusing me of using his razors without his consent, until the culprit came forward and admitted to it.

The Comments of the Week Comments of the Week go to the mighty Bert_the_Pajibian for his Kevin Costner facial hair nomenclature

A “Colorado Chinwarmer”, if you will? Or “Montana Mouth-Fraggle”?

AND for this Inside Pajiba explanation of moistening a lion:

Well, first you have to take it on a Fassbender, but make sure it gets it’s Hemsworth of the Cumberbatch. If he gets out of hand and the Glovers come off, then be warned you may have to Elba him before he Renners straight into Hiddleston.

The Weekly Caption Contest | Deadfall Trailer: Olivia Wilde and Eric Bana Put on Some Southern Accents and Kill Some Folk

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.