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In This Week's Eloquence, One Eloquent Refuses to Watch Schindler's List Until They Come Up with a Decent Toy or Board Game Tie-In

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | February 14, 2011 |

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | February 14, 2011 |

Alo, hate monsters (What? Joanna can’t monopolize the nickname market!). Coming to you on this dreaded day, the one where everyone’s supposed to be all lovey-dovey but most of us hate, which makes it this terrible day for most of us, where we sit and hold our breaths and wait for the whole damned thing to be over so we can go to the big stores the next day and buy cheap chocolate and red candies. Or is that just me? Probably. MrFig and I did our V-Day tradition yesterday (Sunday), having a healthy breakfast of donuts (sprinkles!) and Starbucks and watching Bringing Up Baby for the millionth time, because that movie is everything that is great about movies. Today? Well, who cares about today, really.

I can’t give you anything but looooove, baby….

After last week’s Very Dramatic Edition, this has been a relatively calm week. We united in our disdain for V-Day and our hatred for Adam Sandler’s new monstrosity, and we got a spankin’ new layout that makes everything prettier and neater, with bigger header photos, which I’m sure we’ll all appreciate when our favorites (HAAAAAAAAAAAAMM!) come up. Learn a lesson, GAWKER, with your fucking eyesore of a site with the 2002 frames and the giant photos and—ahem. Sidetracked. I am the Queen of Fighting Windmills, people.

So enjoy your schmoopiness today, or your cheap chocolate tomorrow, hope you ignored the Grammys and let’s get through the Movie Desert Month together. Let’s see the list:


[First, I’d like to direct all of you Doctor Who fans to this post, where our dear readers compiled a long list of Doctor Who band names. They make no sense to me, but I’m sure some of you will enjoy them!]

[Let’s start with a bonus! This was the most eloquent comment I could find regarding the Superbowl Halftime Show. It conveys so many feelings in a few words..]

11. Oh Slash, Slash, Slash, Slash, Slash, Slash, Slash, Slash, Slash, Slash, Slash, Slash, Slash, Slash, Slash, Slash, Slash, Slash, Slash, Slash, Slash, Slash, Slash, Slash, Slash, Slash, Slash, Slash, Slash, Slash, Slash, why you a-do this to me? —zeke the pig

[This next conversation happened in this post, where poor, poor JJ Abrams complains about being an underdog or something or other, which is just ridiculous.]

10. He’s got a point. I refuse to watch Schindler’s List until they come up with a decent toy or board game. —Pat C.

I bought the tie in game when Schindler’s List was released, and it blew donkey balls. A notebook and a pencil? What the fuck? —Groundloop

[It’s a horrible enough idea that I’m amazed someone didn’t actually try this…]

9. “The late Joshua Jackson”

Joshua Jackson is dead? Is there more than one Joshua Jackson?

The League of Joshua Jacksons has decreed that any son born to a Joshua Jackson must also be named Joshua Jackson. This was in light of the last time that a Joshua Jackson had a son and named him Ralph, which totally threw the sequence off and came perilously close to ending the League of Joshua Jacksons. Ever since then, it’s mandated that Joshua Jacksons name their sons Joshua Jacksons and thus keep the balance of the universe intact.

Because seriously, fuck that guy and fuck Ralph. —Fredo

[That whole post made me do the Confused Laugh. Also, if you don’t know what the whole “Joshua Jackson RIP” thing is, check out the dictionary. Though, there might not be an actual answer. But you’ll learn many things, if you’re new! Like jM’s penchant for bears…which, incidentally, will come in handy for this next exchange:]

8. As a bear, I’m horribly offended with the header picture. You clearly understand nothing of our people. We’re not all recreational drug users, we don’t all eat honey, and we don’t menace small trespassing girls. Some of us have real jobs and live in Oregon. I’m disgusted with the casual bestiality bandied about on this site. Grrrrrrrrr. —A Bear

Sup? —jM

[As you see, she’s expanded her views beyond Pandas. Bears of the world, be very afraid.]

7. You know whom I really forgot? Mombi from Return to Oz who kept the comely heads of young maidens in cabinets and put them on when she wanted to appear more beautiful.

When I was little, I used to have a whole army of Barbie dolls and instead of changing their outfits, I would switch their heads. My parents called me Mombi. Mombi was f*cking scary…as were the Wheelers. —Joanna Robinson

[But it was so damn hard to get their heads back on ! They had those balls on their necks? You must have been very talented.

And that just sounded really, really disturbing, didn’t it?]

6. I said it last night and I will say it again here: Just Go With It will bad-touch your young children after it lures them into a windowless van with promises of candy. —admin

[They should put that one on the posters.]

5. Why did you waste this much print on this kind of movie?

I expect better from this place. Two words would have been sufficient.

/Imperius curs’d —Ian

[That made me do this really ugly “HAAAARGH” laugh. I’m gonna be using “Imperius Curs’d!” as my excuse for EVERYTHING now.]

[#4 comes from this Baytastic post:]

4. #1, #4 and #s 6-8 are from Revenge of the Fallen.

Specifically, 4 is from the 2nd movie’s trailer when they’re in China and Sideswipe is chasing another car through that industrial complex or whatever.

6 and 8 definitely have that big tire that they Optimus parachutes in on and kills in the opening as well.

1, I’m guessing, is from that ridiculous end of the movie section in the desert and Shia dies before going to robot heaven.

7 is possibly from the part where Optimus gets his ass kicked in the woods.

*note* Please tell me I’m not right. This is not something to be proud of. —D-Day

[OK, so I have no idea if any of those is correct, or if any of that actually happens in the movies. It just made me laugh, and I’d rather believe that this was all a joke (ROBOT HEAVEN) than believe that this is actually true.]

[Trade News bring you down? Gotta make the best of it somehow.]

3. If you just combine all the news it sounds much better.

Leo Dicaprio is directing Will Arnett in the next Highlander movie!

Arnett: Yeah, the guy in the 3,000 year old suit is going to cut someone’s head off and get blood all over it. COME ON! —Paultera

[400 points for the Arrested Development reference.]

2. It’s always best to read Pajiba Love without your pants on. —MM

[You could leave the “Love” out of that one and it’d still work. We should make it a tagline or a t-shirt.]

1. Let’s just all be grateful that we are receiving links at all. There are inhabitants of third world countries who don’t get any, and instead have to worry about real problems besides liking links.

As for the current P.L., I do enjoy it Joanna and encourage you to continue your commentary. I don’t necessarily enjoy every link, but then again: this site wasn’t designed solely for ME.

If it was, I’m sure readership would go down based on lack of posts caused by the absence of a story that involves ALL of the following: time machines, the scenic backdrop of the Zion National Park, baby foxes, bubble-wrap, space travel, waterfalls flowing with cranberry juice, alligator-wrestling, sword fights, fireworks that don’t fade, elephants painted in a psychedelic manner, silent pencil-sharpeners, people wearing scuba-suits even though they’re not in water, and that “Dance Magic Dance” song from Labyrinth. Oh and Jeremy Renner. Man, that guy’s a talented actor.

So now if ^that^ story does come along, and you neglect post it, well, then there IS a very good reason for me to speak out against you. I’m holding you to it.

Good day ma’am. —penelope


I couldn’t decide what did it; the bubble wrap, scuba suits or Jeremy Renner. But all I know is that I kinda want to marry you, Penelope. And it is Valentine’s Day, so unless you want to ruin the day for me forever (and you don’t want to do that, do you?) you’ll say yes and we can get married on the beach, wearing scuba suits and holding bouquets made of bubble wrap. True Love, girl.

So, congratulations, Future Bride! Rejoice in your championess. I’ll see y’all next week, after I’ve made you all contribute $2 for the ring. It’s a Pajiba Affair after all.

Figgy is a displaced Honduran living in Dallas, TX. She chooses Cake. You can read more of her ramblings at her blog or follow her on twitter.

David Slade to Direct Ben Kingsley and Noomi Rapace in The Last Voyage of the Demeter | Pajiba After Dark 2/14/11

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.