The Answer to How Long You'd Live with Only Half a Brain

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | September 3, 2009 |

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | September 3, 2009 |

It’s been a rough week.
The trade news has been on a disgusting streak.
We’re getting more sexy-face Fox
And no news that rock
And Pajiba seems the last safe place for a geek.
Boobs.

And clearly, I am the greatest poet that ever lived. Either that or I have absolutely no inspiration for this intro and I’m trying to distract you with shenanigans and more dumb stuff.

Hey, look! Over there! It’s Joseph Gordon-Levitt! Quick! Catch him before Dustin does!

Oh, you just missed him. He was right over there, I swear.

So. Yeah. Thanks to dammitjanet for doing an awesome job while I was gone. I’m back now, but not completely back if you get my drift, so I’m just not back in the groove yet. I promise I’ll be better next week. For now, I’ll let the comments do the funny work. And ooh, it’s a great list this week. Lots of new faces and the usual geniuses. I do love putting newbies on the list. Here goes:

10. Shock’ll do that to you. This goes beyond wrath. This kind of thing just shuts down your whole nervous system. It’s a defense mechanism, your body tries to protect its vital organs and anything but getting oxygen to those vital organs is seen as extraneous.

How can you whip up anger over this? It’s like being angry because your mom made you a birthday cake out of liver and rusty nails, and is looking at you and all your friends with a big grin on her face, because she knows how happy you’ll be to get it? It’s too bizarre, too incongruous with reality to exist, and yet it does. —Wednesday

[I can’t remember exactly what this was about, but given this week’s news…it could be oh, so many different things. So very fitting.]

9. I just want that Dallas Sucks shirt he’s wearing. Anyone dare me to wear it out and about? (I live in Dallas.)

I was at this pub the other night and my dorky friend from Wisconsin put on her stupid fucking cheese hat. I was laughing at her and we were generally having a good time when this skinny drunk 20 something douche comes over and says this:

I WAS THINKING ABOUT TAKING THAT OFF YOUR HEAD AND TEARING IT UP. GO BOYS!!!!!

I just looked at him for a few seconds, blinking, taking him in.

Then I leaned in close to him and indicated that I wanted to whisper in his ear. I hissed VERY quietly “She will slice your throat open.”

He started to snort and I stopped him and said, loudly, “OPEN.”

Snor——“OPEN. THROAT. OPEN.”

He finally decided we were the bad kind of crazy and went back to his shitty pool game.

I hate Dallas fans.

Oh um, this movie? I want to see it? I loved Punch Drunk Love, so this sounds up my proverbial alley. —Snuggiepants the Deathbringer

[…speaking of wrath and ruin…]

[Here’s my two favorites from the Celebrity Throat-Punch Thread]

8.

1. Spencer and Heidi. I’ve got two fists, I’ll do em both at once.
2. Eli Roth
3. Miley Cyrus
4. Ann Coulter/Tucker Carlson/Bill O’Reilly (insert name of any other smug self-righteous right wing pundit)
5. AND THE FUCKING GLADE LADY. I WILL GET YOU GLADE LADY AND NO AMOUNT OF CINNAMON APPLE PIE SCENTED CANDLES WILL BE ABLE TO COVER THE STENCH OF YOUR ROTTING CORPSE WHEN IM DONE WITH IT!!! —MG

Fuck Bob Flay that fucking fuckstick, at best he’s a short order cook. Him and his fucking sauces.

Fuck every black republican, yes you J.C. Watts Jr., you fucking collard green eating motherfucker.

Fuck you Sandra for making me feel like a creep for wanting to eat you out all the time. I’m sorry your loser for a husband is back in jail.

Fuck you progress, you’re so fuck annoying. —Guess Who!

[They had me at “cinnamon apple pie scented candles” and “collard green eating motherfucker.]

7. An open letter to Ms. [Megan] Fox:

Dear Ms. Fox,

You’re pretty, you come across as kind of dumb and you can’t act. Trust me - most guys find you extremely attractive. You do not need to pose for pictures fellating a cherry. Most men already assume you give good blow jobs; there’s no need to torture the poor cherry in such a manner.

Also, if you must insist on having your picture taken while sucking on fruit so as to increase your appeal to men (and possibly some women, I’m not judging here), might I suggest you pick a larger fruit? A plum perhaps or maybe an apple? Because anyone can stick a cherry between their rather large lips while staring seductively into a lens. But it takes true talent to do that with an apple.

Warmest regards, —Kelly

[Kelly strongly represented the Canadian contingent this week. And more than once. You’ll see.]

6. What is he eating in that picture, a huge gas station burrito? Apparently all play and no work makes Jack a B-cup. —branded

[That picture will never, ever leave my mind now.]

5. Skitz: Given that every @#$@# smurf wears a headgear which suspiciously looks like a sock stretched over his head, I had always assumed smurfs have their genitals on top of their heads. Which would make any smurf sex to look like one of those twins conjoined at head. —True_Blue

[Smurfing smurfs. Also, do you know how goddamn annoying it is to keep typing ‘smurf’ when your f key is dying and I practically have to take a hammer to it to make it work? No, really. Every time I type an f I have to erase at least 10 extra ones. Damn you, Dell.]

4. the Roman Empire would NEVER HAVE FALLEN!

i love that. Which fall? It’s not like the whole Empire went over at once. It sort of crapped itself out. Collapsed like a flan in a cupboard, or one of those air mattresses slowly losing air, or a drunk propped up against a lightpost.

Or a… giraffe. In a… paper shredder.

I got nothing. —twig

3. No word on how long you live if your brain actually gets cut in half. —ashes

The brain can be cut in half, front to back with impunity, but you become 2 different people living in your head. The procedure was invented for severe epilepsy and the different motions of different sides of the body including acting on information that only one half knew became very intriguing decades ago. The fact is one of the frontal lobes can be removed without any problem but if both are removed you lose socialization i.e. you think it’s hilarious to take a leak on somebody’s desk while they’re sitting at it. -OscarTamerz

[That has to be one of the best responses ever. And as ashes later added, that comment out to be framed with a “THE MORE YOU KNOW” and a little shooting star.]

2. For you, Sarina

Cardinal Bierce II:
Carefully puts on shades. Stands and raises hands.

“Blessed are the posters, for their incandescence.

Now, the Godtopus of snark and scathing grant you to be likeminded, one toward another, to celebrate thine own taste and preserve thy standards Yea even from films with ‘splodey sparkley robot-boobs.

Godtopus preserve thee in thy posting and in thy lurking. Be ye on-point, or off. And grant you bile.

Congregation:
“Whiskybabyninjastar.”

Cardinal Bierce II:
“Besotted are the Pajibans. And besotted are the posters, most molested of the great mollusk, who make me happy in my pants.

Congregation:
“Whiskybabyninjastar.”

Cardinal Bierce II:
“Now, someone pass me a cocktail.”

Congregation
“Whiskybabyninjastar.”

—BierceAmbrose

[Amen. Whiskybabyninjastar.]

[And now, our #1. This was a conversation on the Suggestion Box thread, which was actually a pretty good post. Specially because it inspired this. It started with Kelly commenting on how admin is always bringing the funny, and…well it goes on from there. I’ve cut it off a bit, but here’s the best stuff. If you didn’t return to the thread and missed it: you’re welcome.]

1. Oh please, figgy, that Canadian humor is only 9/10ths as funny as the stuff we’re coming up with in the U.S.

How dare you sir/madame!
I’ll have you know that once you factor in the exchange rate — Canadians are a full 48 cents funnier than the average American.

True fact. Google it. —Kelly

Kelly, I’m a MAN. An American Man!

And I don’t trust your math. You must be using that bullcrap metric system, eh. Like liters or kilometers or that kinda garbage.

We don’t play that shit around here, canucklehead. —L.O.V.E.

Aww sweetie, we Canadians realize that math can be hard but we have faith in our American brethren. We know you can do it.

Let’s try a math problem together!

If Admin has 23kg of moose meat and Meaux wants to purchase 5lbs of it, how many kg’s of succulent moose meat will Admin give her?

First person with the right answer gets a picture of my canuckiebubbles. —Kelly

2.26796185 kg —elizabeth

Admin can’t give her any of his moose meat. They’re both married. —branded

Damnit! I should have known it was a trick question! —elizabeth

Okay see now that? Cracked my shit up. Damn branded!

But in all seriousness, you probably shouldn’t believe everything Admin tells you. I know he’s always going on and on about his moose and his igloo of love but 1) there are serious questions about his Canadian nationality and 2) Admin with Moose meat? Eh… I dunno, possum meat, perhaps maybe even deer meat. But definitely not moose meat.
And elizabeth, I highly suspect that you are a fellow Canuck, no one but a Canadian could come up with the answer that quickly.

Pop quiz elizabeth - if I asked you to come out for a quick bite of poutine with me would your answer be

a) Pou-what?

b) Oh yes, that delicious gravy and cheese thing you Cana - I mean we Canadians love so much.

or

c) Hell yeah eh! Hey, did you know if you add bacon and sour cream to it - it’s even more delicious? —Kelly

**********

And the Canadians strike again. For that, and the previous comment, and just for being generally hilarious, Kelly wins the universe this week.

Congratulations, Kelly! You are now officially in the Cool Kids Club. Current members: Me. We hold meetings on Tuesday behind the music room. Bring tortillas. Don’t ask, everything will be explained.

So I’ll give you two choices for your victory DVD, using my vast knowledge of Things Canadians Like. You can have either Canadian Bacon, because, who doesn’t love bacon? And it has Canadian in the title and you people love talking about yourselves. The other choice is The Mighty Ducks, because you must love hockey and, um, Joshua Jackson? (is he Canadian? Oh it doesn’t matter) And ice! And skates and victory. So you decide. Personally, I’d go with The Mighty Ducks. I have great taste like that.

But whatever you decide (QUACK QUACK QUACK) send your choice and address and other pertinent info to dustin at pajiba dot com. Enjoy sweet, sweet victory.

See y’all next week.

Figgy is back living and raging in the mad urban jungles of Honduras. Check out her blog for somewhat incoherent updates on the Honduran situation, Cannonball Read book reviews and the occasional pictures of hot men.