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Everything I Ever Need to Know to Succeed in the Workplace I Learned from Office Movies

By Dustin Rowles | Lists | September 3, 2009 |

By Dustin Rowles | Lists | September 3, 2009 |

I got through college the same way I got through high school: By watching a lot of movies and following the advice they offered. Also, it helps to ignore common sense. Likewise, since my education ran its course (read: I couldn’t get any more student loans), I’ve managed to succeed in the workplace by ignoring everything my brain was telling me, and living by a few maxims I’ve picked up from office movies. Workplace manuals? Screw them. Sexual harassment trainings? Who cares? Self-help nonsense? Brother, please. Ignore everything your employers have ever told you, and instead, follow these bits of wisdom I picked up from my DVD player. If you do so, maybe someday you can be a famous Internet personality just like me!

The only real challenge with any job, is trying to look busy when there’s nothing to do. — Clockwatchers

The only way to bag a classy lady is to give her two tickets to the gun show. — Anchorman

Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about mission statements. — Office Space

This job would be great if it wasn’t for the fucking customers. — Clerks

It’s not always the most popular person who gets the job done. (also, “Lunch is for wimps.”) — Wall Street

Anybody who tells you money is the root of all evil doesn’t fucking have any. — Boiler Room

Cellulite is one of the main ingredients in corn chowder. — The Devil Wears Prada

A-B-C. A-Always, B-Be, C-Closing. Always be closing, always be closing. — Glengarry Glen Ross ]

You don’t get ahead in this world by calling your boss a pimp. — Working Girl

Some people take, some people get took. And they know they’re getting took and there’s nothing they can do about it. — The Apartment

“Don’t work with any exact boundaries of the law because I wasn’t consulted when the goddamn laws were made. No, instead nameless, faceless politicians, the so called protectors of the moral majority decide what is right and what is wrong. I govern my life around my own personal code of ethics, and I suggest that you do the same. That way if, within the constructs of my own morality, I were to do something that is considered illegal, so be it. I feel no guilt whatsoever and furthermore, if I were to buckle under the social weight of the system by adhering to laws that I do not truly believe in then I would be extinguishing the very fire of patriotism and individuality.” — Waiting

Eloquent Eloquence 09/03/09 | Extract Review

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.