What About Bob? What ABOUT Bob?

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | February 19, 2010 |

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | February 19, 2010 |

Publisher’s Note: Due to yesterday’s Canadian hijack of the site, EE is running a day late.

Won’t really write much here tonight, as the Olympics have me sitting on the edge of my seat and getting all worked up about Lindsey Vonn and how damn excited she is. I love watching people get all emotional over stuff. And like many others here, I don’t even like watching sports normally, but damn if I don’t get into the Olympics. Even the Winter ones. I mean, Honduras doesn’t even have winter! Most of it is just the sheer thrill of it all, then a little bit of it is watching really spectacular falls, and only a teeny bit of it is seeing hot men in really tight outfits that highlight their big thighs and mmmmm….where was I? Oh, yes. Busy busy! Watching sports! Thighs! Mmm.

Oh yeah, Lent starts tonight. I’m giving up Lent for Lent. My mom would be horrified, because we were all raised Catholic but…yeah. I’m not getting into that.

Here’s your list!

I’ll start with something a little different this time. I had a great crop of comments this week, and there were two that were maybe a little long for the list, though they were both brilliant. So do yourself a favor and click on this link and read all of Snath’s comment. It’s worth it. Then go here and read Adventureman’s comment. I know you all have some time to kill, so go ahead and read them both from start to finish. Just make sure there’s no one around to see you laugh like a fool. Thanks to you both for making this week’s list extra special.

Done? Let’s keep going!

10. Suck it, Rowles. Some of us would in fact give a rat’s ass about a Musketeer movie (or two. or six). Give me 10 minutes to cross the building to commit some larceny and I will provide you a horde of research rats to prove it, asses and all.

All for one and one for all, bitches! —ZombieScientist

[I now want to belt out the Bryan Adams, Sting and Rod Stewart song at the top of my voice. Fuck you all that song is the most glorious cheese of all the cheese in cheeseland]

9. Gotta agree with Figgy.

The goddamn book’s a classic because it’s a classic! I can’t even understand how the thought of changing anything enters into anyone’s mind along he way. I mean, srsly. Does Boo Radley rappel out of the trees with night vision googles and bury a Rambo knife in the mean ol’ racist’s neck?

And yes, fuck the world there’ll be no Oliver Reed. —protoguy

[I’d…I’d actually watch that. If Boo Radley were still played by Robert Duvall.]

8. Candle light and soul forever

A dream of you and me together

Say you believe it

Say you believe it

Free your mind

Of doubt and danger

Be for real don’t be a stranger

We can achieve it

We can achieve it

Come a little bit closer baby,

Get it on, get it on

`Cause tonight is the night

When three become one —Human Centipede’s Valentine

[I don’t know what about this comment makes me hate myself more: the fact that I immediately recognized the song and started humming it, or that I posted another damned Centipede comment again. But come on: how many of you recognized the song? Also, who was this?]

[From the Best Movies Set in the Olympics thread:]

7. Which Mighty Ducks was set in the Olympics?

That one. —ChristianH

ChristianH, was Kenan Thompson in that one or was that just a nightmare I had once? —becks

Oh he was in it, becks. He was in it to win it. —ChristianH

[YES, Christian! That movie RULES.]

6. OK…OK….there’s no way this could happen but i want to see how true this Candyman comparison is….with the worst fucking toy ideas ever.

Wooly Willy: The Movie

Superball: The Movie

Paddle-Ball: The Movie

Sit and Spin: The Movie (Non-porno version)

Slap Bracelet: The Movie

“25 Cent Supermarket Machine Neon Slimy Stuff That Came in a Plastic Igloo But Always Got Filled With Dog Hair and Dried Out On My Living Room Floor”: The Movie

G.I. Joe II

Gotcha!

—PissBoy

Slap bracelet the movie: a new trend for bracelets that latch onto your arm when slapped against it takes hold of teenagers. What the unsuspecting teens don’t realize though, is that the bracelets are actually mind-control devices being used by an evil corporation to turn America’s youth into an army of coke guzzling zombies. Once you slap one on, you belong to them! —dr. pisaster

5. You had me at Nick Cave also, but I have a bigger problem. My grandmother lived to be almost one hundred. Toward the end her mind was sharp but the body had outlived itself. She was incontinent, locked in a hunched over position, had lost most of her hair and teeth falling out and was really just a bag of bones with some skin that had lost all tone. In short, she looked very much like Gollum in that picture and I simply can’t log on to Pajiba to make snarky comments with Granny staring back at me all day. —PaddyDog

[that’s pretty terrifying, Paddy. Worst thing my Grandma ever reminded me of was the evil old grandma in ‘The Ref’.]

4. Can somebody tell me WHY the hirsute Neandertal face portrayed in the pic above is a teen heartthrob? Look at that face—gah. Is his tongue fourteen inches long or something?

If I saw that lurking around my property I’d call the nearest halfway house. Or maybe Animal Control. —Jerce

[Bonus points for using the word ‘hirsute’. Oh, and this was about that Taylor Lautner kid. He’s hideous.]

3. Marriage advice from ALEC Baldwin, Seinfeld and Kathie Lee’s replacement—what the flying fuck waffle is going on here? Who came up with this idea? You could get better advice using a Magic 8 Ball.

And I’m not clicking on that video link. You can’t make me.

“Flying Fuck Waffle: A Brief History”

Back in the olden days when I attended high school, we choose to flaunt our rebellious ways with bouts of imaginative swearing. “Take a flying fuck on a rolling donut” became a popular insult, and it wasn’t long before “donut” was replaced with other forms of breakfast food. “Waffle,” already funny-sounding in itself, soon became the most used. And because teens are busy people, the phrase inevitably got shortened, and altered to address other situations, such as incredulity. Hence, WTFFW was born. —DeadBessie

You kids don’t know how good you have it. Back in my day, we didn’t have flying fuck waffles, we only had earthbound fuck waffles that we would try to throw into the air, but they would inevitably plummet back to earth in mere seconds.

A stationary fuck waffle was good enough for us back then because we just didn’t know any better, but now I wouldn’t touch one of those, even for nostalgia’s sake. Just another case of not knowing how far the art of perversity has come since Microsoft expanded it’s Food Fetish line, I can’t imagine a day without the AnalBundt cake.

oh…and Riley sucks…. —Rubble44

2. Most of the cost of Edge of Darkness went to developing an anti-Jew forcefield for Mr. Gibson. —henchman for hire

Anti-Jew forcefield? Shouldn’t really be that hard, you just line your perimeter with bacon-wire fencing and German Shepherds. We’re a simple people. —D-Day

1. ANSWERS

Casual Sex? Ummm… I dunno; turn around. Yeah, alright. I’ve got 5 minutes.

Shall We Dance? No. I don’t touch fatties.

Dude, Where’s My Car? It’s behind the cloud of weed smoke. Dude.

Did You Hear About the Morgans? Yeah. Who knew?

Are We There Yet? / Are We Done Yet? We’re there when I SAY we’re there! We’re done when I SAY we’re done!

Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? She grew up, Joe *sigh*. She grew up.

What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? HOLY FUCKING SHIT, RUN DUDE!

What About Bob? What ABOUT Bob?

Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? Her lady-doctor. You haven’t seen terror until you’ve seen Viginia’s woolf, if you catch my meaning (psst…my meaning is her vag)

O Brother, Where Art Thou? I think I’m on the corner of…shit…dude, I don’t know. I’ll just catch a cab.

ANSWERS —superasente

*****

BAM, roasted! Congratulations, superasente. My laughter kept getting louder and louder at every new answer, freaking out Mr. Fig as it progressed. So double congratulations for helping me freak out the hubby. And really, you’ve had a win coming for a long time, and here it be. As a prize you win, um…*random thought process commences* a red cape, some shiny yellow underpants and a motorcycle helmet, because your name always makes me think of some kind of really assertive superhero who goes around butting into people’s conversations and saving them from trouble. Or something. It’s very late and Shaun whathisface’s Irish Sheperdness has dug it’s adorability into my heart and now I’m all over the place.

So, enjoy! And enjoy the glory and the pomp. Go stand on a podium over there while I play some Spice Girls tunes (admit it motherfuckers you totally knew what the song was).
Before I go I’d just like to clear up a confusion: I’m not Chilean, like Snooki the Non-Guido was recently revealed to be. I’m Honduran. Sofia, the pseudo-chola is the Chilean Pajiban, and she gets the honor of sharing a country with that thing. Don’t blame my country for her. See ya!

Figgy’s gonna rock the boat.