Pajiba

Erh is Vlad about before he became a vampire???

You pile it by freezing it into tiny yellow ice-pee cubes, then balancing then on top of each other like a urinary tract infection version of Jenga.

I would love to see a film about Vlad before he became a vamp but I want to see the story not watch an extremely stylish, well shot 2 hour long music video. Its the same reason I wont watch Avatar. That and the giant smurfs in it.

I always thought the impaling was done through the rectum (insert dirty joke). Vlad would place his victims on a pike, letting the victim's body weight do the impaling over a matter of days or, God help you, weeks. Either way, Vlad was a pretty fucked up dude.

Actually Tracer, I read the same in several accounts as well.
And "fucked up" doesn't quite cover it for this dude.

Charlie Hunnam...as in my beloved hetero life-mate Jax?

I'm in.

So now I am compelled to to tell you about the Jiffy Lube I used to bring my car to when I lived in DC. There was a woman there who had poor literacy skills. She would call out whose car was next mispronouncing the car names all the time. Every time a Chevy Impala came in, she could call it "an impaler" and we would try so hard not to laugh at her.

I watched something on the History Channel about ole Vlad, and he was certainly one bad dude. The guy even impaled the bugs in his prison cell when he was locked up. He just LOVED impaling.

Do they have any gay porn stars named Vlad the Impaler? If not, they really should. *ahem*

A coach slowly makes its rickety way up a mountain pass, deep in the Southern Carpathian Mountains of Wallachia. On its side is painted a large pepperoni pizza, dripping with cheese.

The coach finally arrives at a dark and foreboding castle, and a pizza delivery serf steps out in the night. The smell of rain is heavy in the air, and thunder rumbles in the distance. A wolf begins to howl somewhere nearby, and the serf hurries to the massive oak and iron gate in the castle wall.

Pizza delivery serf: "Like, whoa. That's scary. I'm so horny right now. This pizza smells good."

As he approaches the gate, it ponderously swings open on hinges that are strangely silent.

PDS: "Sweet."

A small and wizened figure, most likely a servant, is waiting for him inside. His face is shadowed by a deep cowl, but the serf can see a flash of teeth when the figure speaks. There is something odd about them.

Small dude: "Followwww meeeee..."

PDS: "Super. My pants are tight."

The strange little servant leads the pizza serf to the main keep. As they enter through the massive portcullis, the serf can feel eyes watching him from the murder holes in the ceiling. Despite his best efforts he is unable to see who or what it is.

PDS: "Spooky."

The serf expects to be lead to the main dining hall of the keep, but instead the servant makes for a narrow, winding staircase. They ascend up to the highest floor of the keep, which appears to be given over entirely to the quarters of a rich and eccentric ruler. Weapons, armor, statues and paintings, all of unimaginable wealth, are displayed haphazardly on the walls or in massive cabinets. Plush rugs and carpets lay thick upon the stone floor, muffling the sounds of the their feet as the servant and the pizza surf make their way deeper into the keep.

PDS: "Whoa. Nice place."

SD: "Yessss...the Massster doesss like hiss baaauublessss..

They come to what is obviously the bedchamber of the castle's owner. As they enter, the pizza serf realizes that he is alone; the servant has vanished. The art and treasures from the rest of the quarters pale in comparison to the wealth and power on display here. The light from a thousand candles is reflected off their surfaces and makes the chamber seem to outshine the sun.

The serf hardly glances at them, however, as his gaze is locked on the room's true centerpiece. A mammoth four-post bed dominates the chamber and seems to drink the light, emanating a pall of dark wrongness. The sight of it sends shivers down the pizza serf's spine. Each post is iron, somehow carved into a hundred screaming faces, their eyes opened wide and their mouths a rictus of horrible agony. Chains and manacles descend from the top of each post and lay draped across the mattress.

Suddenly, a man the pizza serf had not noticed seems to rise vertically from the bed. Wearing only tight black leather breeches, he is the most beautiful man the serf has ever seen. Long, thick hair, black as sin itself, flows from a widow's peak and down across shoulders broad and roped with muscle. His face is fierce and cruel, with flashing black eyes and a great hooked nose giving him a predatory air. Thick mustaches droop to either side of a mouth made angelic by a cherub's pink lips and dazzling white smile.

The pizza serf can't help but gasp when his eyes wander over the man's chiseled body. A strong chest and washboard abs speak of a lifetime of training and discipline. The tight breeches leave little else to the imagination, and the serf can see that the man's legs and buttocks are as sublime as the rest of his body. Hypnotized by the man's beauty, the pizza serf can barely form a coherent thought.

PDS: "Duuuuude..."

In a deep and commanding voice, the man speaks.

Vlad: "I am Vlad Ţepeş, ruler of Wallachia. Do you have my pizza, boy?"

PDS: "Guh..guh...yes..."

Vlad: "Good, I hunger for cheese...and for meat. I love...meat. Do you love meat as well, pizza boy?"

PDS: "Uh..buh..yes..."

Vlad: "HA HA HA HA! GOOD! We shall enjoy some meat together, yes?"

PDS: "S-s-..sure..."

Vlad strides to a table and grabs a pouch.

Vlad: "Now, how much do I owe you?"

PDS: "Um..mmmm..$17.50?"

Vlad: "Great Satan's horny goat! So much for just one pizza? Hmmmm. I have not taken taxes yet this month, is there some...other...way I could pay you?"

PDS: "Ug...guh...so pretty..."

Vlad: "That's what I thought. HA HA HA HA!"

Vlad draws the pizza serf over to the bed with just a look. With a practiced flick he rips the serf's uniform off, leaving him fuddled and naked. Suddenly, displaying enormous strength, he throws the serf bodily onto the bed, and leaps up after him.

Vlad: "Now, my hairless little friend, you shall put your face in my pillow, and your ass in the air."

As the serf obeys him, Vlad begins to unlace his breeches. As he slides them down, he begins to laugh. It begins slowly, but soon Vlad is laughing uncontrollably and maniacally.

Vlad: "Now, little friend, you will come to know why they call me the Impaler."

"I'm going to fuck you. In da butt."

Hey, thanks for reading.

Brenton , you, sir, are underestimating exactly how much the fear of painful death adds to the fortitude of one's butt cheeks.

I have no words.

Charlie Hunnam...as in my beloved hetero life-mate Jax?

You can't have him, he's mine. Him and Gemma. And Opie.

Marvelous, Snath. Truly marvelous.

Two points I'd like to mention:

Nice use of under-letter accents (don't know the proper term).

This: "Great Satan's horny goat! So much for just one pizza?" is, to me, the funniest part of the whole thing. Cuz it's true!

you best copyright that post haste, Snath, before the rip off gets filmed. I understand pr0n doesn't take real long to be filmed.

Snath ftw on Thursday!

I am so glad my boss was standing behind me, unbeknownst to me, when I read that....