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Bags of D*cks

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | November 23, 2010 |

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | November 23, 2010 |

*deep sigh*

OK I’m gonna make this quick because we just gorged on a bunch of home-made burgers and I’m kind of going into a food coma and I don’t want to think too much. I think I’ll just eat celery and ice cubes from now til Thursday when there’s another giant feast even though there’ll be no turkey because my in-laws are vegetarian. Oh, the sadness. I’ve only had four real American Thanksgivings (when I was in college in upstate NY) and I haven’t had one in 5 years and I get a vegetarian one. Oh, the humanity. So MrFig and I are planning to sneak us some turkey into the family dinner and, oh, I don’t know, tell my mother-in-law that it decided to commit suicide and give itself to us. Merciful contraband turkey!

Oh God, I don’t even know what I’m saying. I need to go sit in front of the TV and feel guilty about eating too much.

Here’s your list. And…shit. Once again I only have 9 comments to give you. I was going to have 10 with a comment made in the Sarah Palin tv show review, but I decided to ignore that entire damned thing after yet again everyone rose to the pathetic bait and fed the troll until it burst. Anyway, we all know what happened and I hope we can move on. But MrsFig was disappointed. So let’s move on, enjoy your turkey and see you in a couple of weeks. I, for one, am thankful that I get to have Thanksgiving in this land of endless food. Huzzah!

Oh, if you want you can fill in the #10 spot with one of your own comments. Or something. I don’t really care right now. Food coma and all.

9. My youngest dog, a mix of two obsessive compulsive herding dogs, is completely fearless most of the time, but occasionally he inexplicably becomes terrified of the weirdest things. For a long time, he would stand in the kitchen and bark at the hallway. There wasn’t anything in the hallway, but he hated the existence of the hallway. He also hates the broom, the ironing board (although I think he’s worked through that one) and he is also terrified of the life-size, cardboard cutout of Chewbacca that we keep in the kitchen. Sometimes we chase him with it…so we kind of suck for that, but damnit, it’s cardboard! —ZombieNurse

[Hee. I had a dog who looked just like an Ewok, with the pointy teeth and all. I wonder if he would like a cardboard Chewbaccah. He’d probably run, too, because he’s kind of a dumbass.]

8. The Batvan’s only known weakness?

Speed bumps.

So if you’re running from the Batvan, find the nearest school zone or Trader Joe’s parking lot where it can only menace you from afar. —Kballs

You’re a batvan. -Mrs. Julien

I’m Batvan. —Rykker

I know. I peeked under your hood. —Mrs. Julien

[I’m not sure what any of that means, but it cracked me up. I’m easy.]

[For this one, read the last line in this post first.]

7. Actually, I’m fairly sure Aquaman would love to net himself a bag of dicks…

Hey, let’s not get ugly here people. After all, we all know the Aquaman movie will be AWESOME! Like Baywatch with fish. Sexy fish. Wait, hold on. — Aqualad

Oh and lay off Arthur, will you guys? He just found out is wife was sent from a parallel dimension to KILL him, just took on a new sidekick…he’s got a LOT on his plate without a bag of dicks atop it. Okay?

Okay. —Green Lantern

..he’s got a LOT on his plate without a bag of dicks atop it.

This made me laugh so hard I sharted in my CGI leotard. —Sinestro

[I love when the superheroes come to play. Oh, and the various Aqualosers.]

6. Does that answer your question, honeytits darlin’?


Actually that entire comment is a perfect microcosm for my dating problems when I was single: I would always take it one step too far.

Woman: “You want to come in for some coffee?”
Me: “Sure! Do you have any condoms?”

Woman: “Have you seen The English Patient?”
Me: “Holy shit, that movie sucks every dick ever! It bored me to near suicide! What an overhyped piece of shit!”
Woman: “Well, it was my mother and I’s favorite movie before she died of cancer.”
Me: “The English Patient gave her cancer?!?!”

Woman: “This first date is going well, don’t you think?”
Me: “Yeah, and let’s hope it is coming well later, too. Amiright?! *offers high-five*”

:( —Kballs

[Kballs was on fire this week. In fact I could have filled up that #10 spot with another one of his comments, but I don’t want to let that get to his head. Give other people a chance, jeez.]

5. I had a dream about Alec Baldwin last night. I find this post an interesting intersection of my subconscious and what I assume to be the waking world. —PaddyDog

PaddyDog - I have pie. Real pie. Not the dream pie your id makes with raisins, recriminations and the newly-discovered sexual allure of Matt LeBlanc. —Mrs. Julien

[Hee. Joey

Hang on I need more wine. *glug glug*. Aaaaah.]

[OK for this one you might need to see the video in this post. A quick aside: I know some of you guys like when I link to the original post, and I’ll try to do that as much as I can. You can always just plug it into google and it’ll take you there, but hell, sometimes I’m too lazy to do that, too. But I’ll try, specially if the comment needs some context.]

4. Also, sometimes a penis is inserted in the victim’s mouth. Like so-“

“-CUT! MORTY! Knock that shit off! I warned you about the improv. Now let’s shoot it again and this time try to keep yourself together. Action!”

“Also, sometimes a pen-“

“-CUT! God damn it!” —Paultera

[I love conversations like these, which came from this thread. Aren’t I helpful?]

3. Now, here’s the real question: Why is that cape so goddmaned long?! That seems like it’s inconvenient and useless at best and a safety hazard at worst. —Anna von Beav

Anna von Beav, OSHA Inspector, Fairytale division. Singlehandedly responsible for both the Seven Dwarves’ mine shutdown as well as the Neverland child labor law indictments. You’re next, fairy godmothers and your hazardous glass slippers! —branded

Don’t forget the pesticide-soaked apples those crafty witches like to pawn off… —Rykker

While you’re at it, you might want to clamp down on sending little girls out with matches to sell (you know cigarettes can’t be far behind). And don’t even get me started on the recent hike in tolls to cross the bridge. The struts on that bridge are ready to break any day now but those billy goats belong to Local 319 so they’re protected no matter what. —PaddyDog

The EPA will have something to say about burning all the spinning wheels in the kingdom. The air pollution wouldn’t clear for at least a hundred years. —coveredinbees

And those pigs were CERTAINLY not building to code. Except, perhaps, the brick pig. He shall remain un-fined. —coveredinbees

[Hee. It kept going, too, but those were my favorites. Go read the rest if you’re in the mood.]

2. “He might be old, but I think I’d still take him in a smackdown with Eastwood.”

Clint Eastwood turned down the role of God in The Ten Commandments because he felt it wasn’t wrathful enough for him.

Little know fact: Eastwood was the original Sonny Corleone, but had to drop out out after he insisted that 1 in 5 of the bullets used in the toll booth scene be real. They refused, so he said: “Well, get some pussy boy for this, then. I quit.”

Clint Eastwood owns a pillow stuffed with Chuck Norris’ chest hair, taken against his will. —logar

1. I cat believe you wand to see this show, witch is cursed by Fox already! That spells disaster. I wonder wizard they’ll cast well-known talent or newt? They should make broom for unknowns so we don’t end up with another “Charmed.”

Owl talk to you later! —Kballs

Um, what happened to Kballs? Should we send an ambulance? —TylerDFC

Nothing! I Hamlet felt better in years! I just cauldron’t wait to comment on this stewpendous newt show! I’m getting impotient! Cape! Eyeballs thunder crone! Wandy spell warlock beard!

*gunshot* —Kballs


See? I told you he was on fire. How could I not give him the #1 prize this week? I mean yeah, I know it’s like being beaten by your enemy five times in a row, but you other guys and gals have to STEP IT UP. And enough with the stupid fighting because you’ll be sent to the Ignored by Figgy Corner and no one wants to be there because then you don’t get any of the Honduramerican goodness.

So, there you go. Congrats, everyone. Enjoy your week, your turkey or just your every day November thingies. I’m off to nurse my food coma. Ciao!

Figgy is a displaced Honduran living in Dallas, TX, and she wants you to make it work. You can read more of her ramblings at her blog or follow her on twitter.

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.