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What Big Eyes You Have, Amanda Seyfried

By TK | Posted Under Trailers | Comments (52)

red_riding_hood_02.jpg

Here’s the trailer for Red Riding Hood, a retelling of the classic fairy tale about, well, a girl, her hood, and a wolf. It stars the delicious Amanda Seyfried, as well as Billy Burke, Virginia Madsen, and Julie Christie, and is directed by Catherine Hardwicke (Twilight, Lords Of Dogtown). Don’t hold Twilight against her too much — Martin Scorcese couldn’t have saved that dogshit story. Here’s the synopsis, and it’s yet another ridiculously long one. And no, I’m not going to summarize because it’s late, I’m lazy, and I’m drinking.

In “Red Riding Hood,” Seyfried plays Valerie, a beautiful young woman torn between two men. She is in love with a brooding outsider, Peter (Shiloh Fernandez), but her parents have arranged for her to marry the wealthy Henry (Max Irons). Unwilling to lose each other, Valerie and Peter are planning to run away together when they learn that Valerie’s older sister has been killed by the werewolf that prowls the dark forest surrounding their village. For years, the people have maintained an uneasy truce with the beast, offering the creature a monthly animal sacrifice. But under a blood red moon, the wolf has upped the stakes by taking a human life. Hungry for revenge, the people call on famed werewolf hunter, Father Solomon (Gary Oldman), to help them kill the wolf. But Solomon’s arrival brings unintended consequences as he warns that the wolf, who takes human form by day, could be any one of them. As the death toll rises with each moon, Valerie begins to suspect that the werewolf could be someone she loves. As panic grips the town, Valerie discovers that she has a unique connection to the beast-one that inexorably draws them together, making her both suspect…and bait.

In love with a brooding outsider? OK, maybe we should hold the Twilight thing against her a little. Regardless, it’s a story with some potential, and also with some Gary
Oldman, which, for better or worse, makes it required viewing for me.

Shut up and watch:

It’s got some nifty visuals, particularly the gloomy backdrops juxtaposed with the vibrant red of the cape. Oldman looks fascinating. Seyfried looks lovely as usual. And the movie looks boring as shit. There have been some interesting adaptations of the classic tale — Neil Jordan’s In The Company Of Wolves, Matthew Bright’s Freeway, even the loosely inspired Surprise Party from Trick R Treat.

Somehow, Red Riding Hood does not appear to be an addition to that pantheon.

Damn it.









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Comments

It looks like a cross between "Twilight" and "Sleepy Hollow." ...I'll probably still see it.

Posted by: Brent at November 17, 2010 10:36 AM

Didn't Neil Jordan already do this brilliantly with "In The Company of Wolves" about 20 years ago?

Posted by: PaddyDog at November 17, 2010 10:39 AM

Okay, I should have read to the end of your post before commenting. I shall self-flagellate for the next hour to atone.

Posted by: PaddyDog at November 17, 2010 10:42 AM

Amanda Seyfried AND Gary Oldman AND Lukas Haas?! Oh, yes. I will see this. No matter how stupid it is. (Any bets the "brooding outsider" is secretly the werewolf? COME ON.)

Now, here's the real question: Why is that cape so goddmaned long?! That seems like it's inconvenient and useless at best and a safety hazard at worst.

Posted by: Anna von Beav at November 17, 2010 10:44 AM

Wow, I didn't know they had hair product back then...oh wait... maybe that's jizz.

Posted by: Vi at November 17, 2010 10:46 AM

I made it 20 seconds. The boy's Twilight hair just killed me. I couldn't go further.

And yes, PaddyDog, The Company of Wolves is a marvelous reimagining of Little Red Riding Hood made on a shoestring budget. I'm convinced half the budget went to effects, a third went to Angela Lansbury, and the remainder was spent on other actors, instant noodle catering, and that pair of fake trees they had to work with. The whole team worked wonders with what little they had, twisting Red Riding Hood into the fold of werewolf folklore and teaching the true threat of the unibrow to a whole generation of young people.

Posted by: Robert at November 17, 2010 10:49 AM

Amanda Seyfried AND Virginia Madsen AND werewolves?! Oh, yes. I will see this. No matter how stupid it is. (Any bets Virginia Madsen's character is secretly the werewolf? COME ON.)

Posted by: Rykker at November 17, 2010 10:53 AM

Not to be spoilery, but I'm fairly certain the wolf is a mentally-challenged Adrien Brody.

Posted by: coveredinbees at November 17, 2010 10:55 AM

It's been a while since I've read it but I don't remember quite so much fucking in Red Riding Hood? Did I miss the sub-text?

Posted by: jackfly11 at November 17, 2010 10:55 AM

unrelated - this guy TK sure drinks a lot

Posted by: Rest In Peace at November 17, 2010 10:57 AM

Your FACE drinks a lot! Or maybe it doesn't. . .I don't really know your face.

Posted by: coveredinbees at November 17, 2010 11:00 AM

Needs more heaving bosoms.

I'd settle for more bosoms.

Posted by: , at November 17, 2010 11:11 AM

"Did I miss the sub-text"

Probably because we were taught that the original story is a metaphor for rape

Posted by: PaddyDog at November 17, 2010 11:12 AM

I thought it had to do with sexual awakenings. . .red cloak imagery and all that (I'm talkin' menses, peeps). Go into the woods, deal with the wolves, walk out a woman.

Posted by: coveredinbees at November 17, 2010 11:14 AM

this guy TK sure drinks a lot

Jeebus, you sound just like freakin' Gruden did on MNF the other night.
Every other sentence:
THIS GUY this.
THIS GUY that.
THIS GUY Reid sure did his homework...
THIS GUY Vick, his dick sure tastes good...

This fuckin' guy might just follow TK's example and go drink a lot.

/bitter? Me? Nooooooo...

Posted by: Rykker at November 17, 2010 11:14 AM

I would rather eat a gallon of authentic Indian curry, wait 1 hour, then find the nearest mirror, bend over, and watch myself take a shit.

Why don't we get to see the werewolf? Is it because it sucks all the balls? I imagine the producers sitting around saying, "If we want anyone to see this movie, DO NOT put that shitty werewolf in the trailer. What were we thinking with that thing? It looks like 43 badgers sexually assaulting Clint Howard."

Oh, and any movie with some Abercrombie doucheclot emoting, "Come away with me," is a guaranteed piece o' shit.

Posted by: Kballs at November 17, 2010 11:24 AM

I'm sure since it's a folk tale there are multiple interpretations. In school we had a class on meanings behind fairy tales (because we had an awesome English teacher) and she laid it out as virgin (yes the red hood does signify menses) wanders into the woods (strays from the safe path) and encounters wolf (sexually voracious man who lies in wait for her in the bed to eat her (which really signifies rape. She's saved at the last minute by the woodcutter (here we would all laugh hysterically) but in the early version grandma doesn't survive: she's already been raped and killed by the wolf.

Posted by: PaddyDog at November 17, 2010 11:26 AM

Such originality and creativity in one trailer....

Posted by: Candy at November 17, 2010 11:31 AM

PaddyDog,

Even in later versions where the grandmother lives, she ends up being regurgitated by the wolf, or cut out of the its stomach by the woodcutter.

My college course on Children's Literature leaned toward the "sexual awakening" interpretation (and we read one of the earliest versions where the grandmother does indeed die) where the story turns into a warning AGAINST waking up your sexuality lest you end up ravaged by the wolf (horny guy). The grandmother stood as a non-virgin who was easily "taken" by the wolf since she'd already been deflowered.

Posted by: Kballs at November 17, 2010 11:37 AM

I think it's a metaphor for respecting your elders. Seriously, who talks to their Grandmother like that?

"My, what cloudy cataracts you have, Grandma!"

Posted by: Paultera at November 17, 2010 11:39 AM

Kballs:

So, difficult though this is for me to type, it appears we are in agreement on this right? Because ravaged is an early synonym for rape.

Posted by: PaddyDog at November 17, 2010 11:41 AM

That seems like it's inconvenient and useless at best and a safety hazard at worst.

Anna von Beav, OSHA Inspector, Fairytale division.

Singlehandedly responsible for both the Seven Dwarves' mine shutdown as well as the Neverland child labor law indictments. You're next, fairy godmothers and your hazardous glass slippers!

Posted by: branded at November 17, 2010 11:42 AM

Don't forget the pesticide-soaked apples those crafty witches like to pawn off...

Posted by: Rykker at November 17, 2010 12:01 PM

While you're at it, you might want to clamp down on sending little girls out with matches to sell (you know cigarettes can't be far behind). And don't even get me started on the recent hike in tolls to cross the bridge. The struts on that bridge are ready to break any day now but those billy goats belong to Local 319 so they're protected no matter what.

Posted by: PaddyDog at November 17, 2010 12:01 PM

The EPA will have something to say about burning all the spinning wheels in the kingdom. The air pollution wouldn't clear for at least a hundred years.

Posted by: coveredinbees at November 17, 2010 12:05 PM

I'm assuming you refer to Amanda Seyfried as 'delicious' because she looks like a mudskipper?

Posted by: ponch at November 17, 2010 12:08 PM

How about climbing up the outer wall of a tower using only a hair braid for support? No safety harness, no helmet. No strength or weight testing done on the chick's hair. It's a disgrace I tell you.

Posted by: PaddyDog at November 17, 2010 12:10 PM

"...and watch myself take a shit."

Kballs, I couldn't have shat out a better response if I tried. No amount of Christie, Madsen, Seyfried, or even Oldman could make me suffer through any more of this sappy, moody, lame dreck. I'ma go looking for some curry...

Posted by: Elmo Tee at November 17, 2010 12:11 PM

Seriously. All that running down stone steps?! That's a foot full of glass shards (not to mention a lawsuit) waiting to happen.

Posted by: Anna von Beav at November 17, 2010 12:17 PM

And those pigs were CERTAINLY not building to code. Except, perhaps, the brick pig. He shall remain un-fined.

Posted by: coveredinbees at November 17, 2010 12:17 PM

PaddyDog,

Yes, we seem to agree here. Why is it hard to agree with me? Aside from scathing commentary directed at things I find hilarious or the occasional sarcasm directed at Pajibans, I'm a pretty lighthearted, jovial fellow.

Anyway, I hope you recover from this cranial malady soon before something terrible happens.

Posted by: Kballs at November 17, 2010 12:17 PM

Oh Kballs, I agree you're light-hearted, as am I. We just seem to butt heads a lot on different topics. It's like that first time you have to actually admit your mother was right about jumping off a cliff just because your friends are doing it. You hate to have to give anything in the eternal battle of wills.

Posted by: PaddyDog at November 17, 2010 12:23 PM

Starring Gary Oldman as the Purple People Eater?

Posted by: Lucas at November 17, 2010 12:28 PM

Are you trying to tell me that the only decent thing that broad had to wear was a twenty foot long red train?

Posted by: Pookie at November 17, 2010 12:29 PM

Nuh-uh, no way. That looked and sounded waaaaaaaaaaay too much like Twilight. I have lust in my heart for Gary Oldman and am bound my lurv to see everything he's in but... this? Nope.

Posted by: monkeyhateclean at November 17, 2010 12:30 PM

PaddyDog,

We just seem to butt heads a lot on different topics.

That's 'cuz you're a bitch.

KIDDING, KIDDING!!!! Totally kidding. And just so you know, yesterday I praised you for your diplomacy when discussions get heated, so there's that.

Now I'm off to make more dick and poop jokes.

Posted by: Kballs at November 17, 2010 12:34 PM

And those pigs were CERTAINLY not building to code.

And what about that gingerbread house?
By Crikey, kids are fat enough these days without three tons of sugar just waiting to be eaten.
Where's the social responsibility?

Posted by: Rykker at November 17, 2010 12:36 PM

Are you all insane? The dialogue in the trailer was shit. Add an incredibly annoying faux-punk modern song to the trailer, and it becomes choleric diarrhea.

Posted by: idiosynchronic at November 17, 2010 12:56 PM

And unsafe spinning wheels in the workplace, involuntary imprisonment of a scullery maid, hunters operating without permits, unauthorized air traffic violations over London... it's amazing the number of non-oven-related fatalities isn't higher.

Posted by: branded at November 17, 2010 1:07 PM

Are you all insane?

That's a rhetorical question, right?

Posted by: Rykker at November 17, 2010 1:14 PM

Oldman looks fascinating.

But does he twirl?

Posted by: jM at November 17, 2010 1:23 PM

This looks like yet another bad, angsty teen movie, but since I would watch Gary Oldman peel potatoes, I guess I'm in.

Posted by: Cindy at November 17, 2010 1:28 PM

that was painfully awful and i didn't even make it all the way through.

lucky i can ease the pain by popping my dvd of in the company of wolves in.

Posted by: idleprimate at November 17, 2010 1:28 PM

So Seyfried is totally the wolf, amirite?

Posted by: Watson at November 17, 2010 1:28 PM

Because I can't help myself: the werewolf is totally either the "nice" guy that her parents want her to marry, or, in a new and shocking twist, Miss Seyfried herself. The "creepy outsider" is probably a red-herring. "Pay no attention to the fake-ass werewolf behind the curtain, folks, because I'm here, being all creepy and broody with the hair I borrowed from The Sparkle."

That said, I am a sad, sad girl, because Gary Oldman usually means that I will inevitably put money down to see it. Might be at the dollar theater, sure, but still. Cash, consider yourself spent.

Posted by: elleyezee at November 17, 2010 1:30 PM

The dialogue in the trailer was shit.

Heh. I always watch these trailers with the sound off when I'm at work, and then listen to them when I get home.

it's amazing the number of non-oven-related fatalities isn't higher.

It really is, branded. It really is.

Posted by: Anna von Beav at November 17, 2010 1:30 PM

That dude looks like Edward Cullen Part 2. Ick.

Still, I guess I'll wait for reviews. It looks like the dialogue will be painful, but it looks pretty enough.

jM: CAN HE DO THE SPLITS ACROSS THE DANCE FLOOR?!

Posted by: figgy at November 17, 2010 3:34 PM

FAILURE.

Posted by: Taylor K. at November 17, 2010 4:23 PM

Didn't Wally Wood do a good RED RIDING HOOD retelling? Maybe that could be a movie.

Amanda Seyfried's eyes and mouth - I think she has the Innsmouth look.

Posted by: Pat C. at November 17, 2010 4:49 PM

Movie looked terrible, but the nail in the coffin is that I noticed a 2 second shot of Michael Hogan at :36, and his name doesn't appear on the actors list at the end.

You have Saul Tigh, and he gets billed behind a guy named Shiloh? Fuck this movie.

Posted by: Zack at November 17, 2010 8:16 PM

Is this a joke?

Seyfried doesn't have big eyes she has wide set eyes. Seriously, they're set on each side of her face like a bullfrog. I bet she can see 90 degrees to each side.

Posted by: bananapanda at November 18, 2010 2:06 PM

As Cindy stated more eloquently than I can, if Gary Oldman is in it then I'm watching it. I don't care if Keanu Reeves is in the background reciting the Magna Carta in his best high school play British accent while Oldman performs Josephine Baker's banana dance and calls out the capital cities of all fifty states - Oldman's in it, I watch it.

Posted by: stardust at November 18, 2010 2:40 PM