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F*ck Shaking Your Tush On The Catwalk

By | Posted Under Miscellaneous | Comments (17)

Zoolander12.jpg

When I was a child I did a little bit of clothes modeling. I took classes from Miss (Canadian City) 1980 on how to walk and appropriately display the garment to highlight both it and my chiseled, slightly doughy physique. I was the only boy in a group that was otherwise comprised of girls and got all kinds of ten-year-old ass. I had game that would make a Jason Harris go into retirement. I had The Pretty. I ended up doing a few shows but nothing spectacular. Certainly nothing that approached a Derek Zoolander or Hansel level of worship but I did all right and got a mad discount on clothing. Which is exactly how a ten-year-old wants to get paid; school clothes.


Much like everything else I’ve ever done, I quickly grew tired of the grind and being paraded around like a piece of meat for all the middle aged mothers to coo over. I swore that if one more muffin-top pinched my cheek, I was going to slice and butter a bitch and I quit. That’s not to say that I don’t sometimes wonder where it could have taken me. Surely I could not aspire to the heights that the model in the video below attained.


Almost Naked Cadaver on a Board Being Pawed by Creepy Middle-aged FBI Agent: What I wouldn’t give to be able to put that on my resume. It’s also good to know that the FBI avoids distractions when teaching. These guys have to focus.

(H/T to The Daily What)









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Comments

Jesus. I've been doing my ritualistic killings all wrong.

Posted by: dr. pisaster at November 18, 2010 8:27 PM

I appreciate how the music at the end really sets the tone. What better way to create a serious atmosphere for forensic science studies, than by using cheesy scifi music?

Posted by: imiachra at November 18, 2010 8:55 PM

WORK, BITCH!

Posted by: Jay at November 18, 2010 9:04 PM

Sheeyyyiiiiitttt. I stopped messing with 10-year-olds when I was in kindergarten, son. If weren't down with high school chicks by that point, I can't help you. Maybe you were going through some kind of sexual identity crisis or something.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at November 18, 2010 9:33 PM

Wow...This combination kitschy 80s educational video meets completely jarring subject matter is more surreal than the time I sacrificed a sixteen hooker to the dark lord.

Posted by: JR at November 18, 2010 10:00 PM

I´m confused.
Is this a joke?
Does he talk about a specific case?
Or if he´s not, doesn´t he go into specific details too much?
Sometimes he talks in general, sometimes not.
I´m confused really.

Heissenberg and Jesse arguing over meth, someone get shot(Breaking Bad)...

Should I really look for a pentagram on the foot mr FBI-agent?

Posted by: UncleKaiser at November 18, 2010 11:20 PM

He throws that "penis in the mouth" thing in there very casually...as if it were just another marking that we (us dead body finders) should be looking out for. I'm not sure how to tell if I penis has been in somebody's mouth, at least not any physical signs.

Posted by: Matt at November 19, 2010 12:12 AM

lol oh my!

Posted by: Rachel at November 19, 2010 12:49 AM

I LOVE SATANIC PANIC. I'm not even kidding; I think it's absolutely delightful that the 80s saw everyone freaking out over secret Satanists everywhere. I almost kinda miss it - can we go back to hunting imaginary Satanists instead of harassing Muslims?

ANYWAY, Satanic panic has provided many an awesome horror movie in my life, and now... an awesome training video. Thank you for this, Pajiba.

Posted by: Nat Kittyface at November 19, 2010 12:52 AM

yeahbuhwhaaaa?

Posted by: Vince Noir at November 19, 2010 1:40 AM

Muhahahaha...The evil laugh of Blackie Lawless, Ronnie James Dio, Ozzy and Kenny G is echoing through the night.
FBI beware!

Posted by: UncleKaiser at November 19, 2010 2:17 AM

UncleKaiser,
You may have already looked this up, but anyway ..

The speaker is referring to a real Case.
Clifford St. Joseph was convicted of the 1985 murder of a still unidentified man that occurred in San Francisco in 1985. That body was marked as described in this video. As far as I can tell there was no suggestion that he ever killed anyone else. So I don't think it's really valid to say there was any pattern being followed or that would be followed - other than to make sure you get pentagrams in there somewhere.

Why pick a beautiful model for the demonstration, why add some cheesy music at the end, ... ?

Posted by: Pat C. at November 19, 2010 2:40 AM

I fucking KNEW it Bobby Scott. We were Canuck Catalogue Rivals! I got seven covers, Bobby. SEVEN. You weren't on Quest, Canadian Living, and Sears were you? WERE YOU?

You had good hair, even then. (http://pissingoffbobbyscott.tumblr.com/)

Posted by: replica at November 19, 2010 3:05 AM

@Pat C

Nice body though?

*Silently going to his shrine of J Dahmer*

Posted by: UncleKaiser at November 19, 2010 3:18 AM

"Also, sometimes a penis is inserted in the victim's mouth. Like so-"

"-CUT! MORTY! Knock that shit off! I warned you about the improv. Now let's shoot it again and this time try to keep yourself together. Action!"

"Also, sometimes a pen-"

"-CUT! God damn it!"

Posted by: Paultera at November 19, 2010 12:55 PM

Who was the costume director for this?

Posted by: denesteak at November 20, 2010 8:33 PM

Paultera, I'm seeing some EE praise in your immediate future.

Posted by: Kateshi Rinkichiku at November 21, 2010 5:34 PM