The rules are simple. They are a truth universally acknowledged. There are four main Chrises. We know them. We study them. We see ourselves and our impenetrable thirst through them. Evans and Hemsworth and Pratt and Pine. We rank them and argue about their respective merits from now until a new generation takes their place and the cycle continues.
Alas, it has come to this.
I, as a self-described scholar of internet Chris-dom, have always been hesitant to mess with the central quartet of Chrises that define our era of pop culture. Yes, we know which one is the worst and there’s little chance of that changing, but I’ve consistently pushed back against excluding him from the conversation altogether. After all, these weren’t just four names we picked out of a hat and decided to center an entire level of semi-scholarly celebrity theory upon. The whole point of this conversation was to note how this group of men, all bound by similar appearances and the roles put upon them by Hollywood as well as a shared name, helped to define the modern age of stardom. At a time when the A-List model is dying out in favour of franchise fever and the intellectual property brings in more money and audience loyalty than the actors’ names below the title, the Chrises seemed to signal how the industry was trying to deal with this seismic shift. Here we had these four tall white dudes who all fit the specific model of the traditional blockbuster leading man at a time when that model was becoming somewhat passé. The choices they made and the impact they had in the context of these thoroughly modern franchise structures spoke volumes about a pop culture landscape in flux. That’s why I’ve been wary of removing Pratt from the equation: Like him or not, he’s part of that timeline and probably exemplifies the most traditional aspect of on-screen leading men.
But f*ck it, I’m sick of talking about Chris Pratt and his homophobic church loving ass.
He will always be The Worst Chris. That is his function. But wouldn’t it be nice to have another Chris just to give some of our love to? Sure, he won’t fit the ridiculously precise model I’ve obsessed over for years, but what is life without a little rebellion? Life is short, it’s miserable enough as it is, and as everything else in pop culture inevitably ends in hot take bonfire madness, why not expand our cultural thirst a little more? So, without further ado, I present to you a brief and easy to lengthen shortlist of potential Chrises to replace Pratt. There’s really no rhyme or reason to this. I’m just going by pure horniness. What, you judge me?! Make sure to share your own candidates in the comments below.
Honestly, this dude did nothing for me until he went dirtbag bleach blonde. Now there’s a guy I would let borrow my money, my (dad’s) car, my dignity, etc. Since he’s about to star as Victor Zsasz in Birds of Prey, he makes sense as a modern Hollywood Chris and would help balance out the Marvel/DC scales. He’s got dramatic and comedic chops and he’s been in seemingly everything (including Woody Allen movies, which would knock him down a peg or two in rankings.)
Nothing wrong with a bit of vintage Meloni. Come on, have you seen him in Oz? Sure, he was a d*ck on Law and Order: SVU but it was all in the name of justice for victims of sexual assault and what’s more noble than that? Meloni played a vampire in True Blood so he already ranks high in my list — I ask for so little from my white male actors: just play a vampire and don’t be a total d*ck, okay? He’s also voicing Jim Gordon in the DC Universe animated series of Harley Quinn so see, he’s part of a franchise, it totally counts!
Why, hello there. The Australian actor will probably be best known to you for playing Colin Khoo in Crazy Rich Asians and he certainly made an impression. Look out for him in the upcoming reboot of Charlie’s Angels. I don’t really know much more about him, but he is very hot and he’s not Chris Pratt so I already like him.
He’s in Thor: The Dark World for like 48 seconds, even if he doesn’t remember it, so it counts! We love a strong Irish accented funny-man (and really, he should have gotten a much bigger boost in Hollywood from his awesome romantic interest turn in Bridesmaids than he did.)
Yeah, I’ve got a massive massive crush on Christoph Waltz, even though he’s worked with Woody Allen and Roman Polanski and that still stings. You know that same smirking European sleazy charm routine he does in EVERY movie? I love it. Can’t get enough of it.
Am I fudging the rules a bit here? Yeah, but come on, who doesn’t love Chrissy Teigen? She’s funny as all hell, the sh*tty President hates her, her Twitter game is tight, her recipes are amazing, nobody rags on John Legend better than she does, and she’s pretty f*cking gorgeous, which doesn’t hurt.
My queen! She’d keep those other Chrises in line.
Hey, you did vote him number one Chris.
Header Image Source: Getty Images.