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Chris Pratt Getty 1.jpg

This Is Why You're The Worst Chris, Pratt!

By Kayleigh Donaldson | Celebrity | September 23, 2019 |

By Kayleigh Donaldson | Celebrity | September 23, 2019 |


Chris Pratt Getty 1.jpg

Every now and then, I see someone on this godforsaken hellhole we call the information super-highway share their Best Chris rankings and they place someone other than Pratt at the bottom. No joke, I have seen genuine human beings with pulses and credit scores place Pratt higher than Pine. This crime is hurtful on its own, but truly unforgivable since Pratt constantly reminds us of why he’s ceaselessly the Worst Chris. Guys, it’s not even close.

If the Hillsong support and head-in-the-sand responses to being called out over their homophobia didn’t do it for you, or the fact that this gun-loving popped collar come to life is clearly going to be yelling at an empty chair at the RNC in 30 years doesn’t bother you, then this will surely do the trick. That’s right: Pratt is now a patron of the arts. Poetry, to be precise. Shall I compare thee to a Summer’s day? Well, we should listen to both sides first.

Pratt took to Instagram to share a poem he ‘found’.


View this post on Instagram

Dropping a hot new poem I found. DING-DONGS Ding to the left. Dong to the right. The reverberations swell. Ding dong!Ding dong! They clang the outrage bell. Ding dongs on the far right fringes Squeaking mad like rusty hinges. Ding dongs from the far left squad Fixed on answers outside God. The media plays them like a fiddle Drowning out the healthy middle. Pick your tribe. State your name DISREGARD: WE’RE ALL THE SAME! (Burdened by a sinful heart and hiding in some form of shame.) Change the channel! Don’t be late! Pundits tell you who to hate! Who’s a racist? Who’s a fake? 24 hours of news to break! Skewering truths, spewing sewage, leading mobs of frenzied voices, With two choices, red or blue, And key points to regurgitate. Echo chamber ringing, rips the fabric of society. (Followed by an ad for a pill you pop to stop anxiety.) Get your blood a pumpin’ with some whisper fueled assumption, About someone who wore somethin’ or some singled out opinion among tweeters by the billions “But this one was so outrageous And egregious and alarming!” And you’re angry for the anger in your heart that had been forming Is on the verge of boiling over And you try but are unable Like Chernobyl in your heart the chain reaction is unstable And the blood pressure is higher than the moment just before… And the next commercial thankfully Is a high blood pressure cure. There’s a rhythm to this madness If you take a sec to look One option is unplug Put down your phone pick up a book But the other option probably is more helpful and realistic Find the humor, check the facts, and try to remain optimistic. Ask yourself the question: who profits from my rage? And prevent them from lining up their pockets with that booty. We’re His children despite race, creed, preference or age. Under God we’re indivisible. To stay United is our duty.

A post shared by chris pratt (@prattprattpratt) on


And for those who want to read the whole thing properly:


DING-DONGS
Ding to the left.
Dong to the right.
The reverberations swell.

Ding dong!Ding dong!
They clang the outrage bell.

Ding dongs on the far right fringes
Squeaking mad like rusty hinges.
Ding dongs from the far left squad
Fixed on answers outside God.

The media plays them like a fiddle
Drowning out the healthy middle.
Pick your tribe. State your name
DISREGARD: WE’RE ALL THE SAME!
(Burdened by a sinful heart and hiding in some form of shame.) Change the channel! Don’t be late!
Pundits tell you who to hate!
Who’s a racist? Who’s a fake?
24 hours of news to break!

Skewering truths, spewing sewage,
leading mobs of frenzied voices,
With two choices, red or blue,
And key points to regurgitate.
Echo chamber ringing,
rips the fabric of society. (Followed by an ad for a pill you pop to stop anxiety.)
Get your blood a pumpin’ with some whisper fueled assumption,
About someone who wore somethin’ or some singled out opinion
among tweeters by the billions “But this one was so outrageous
And egregious and alarming!”
And you’re angry for the anger in your heart that had been forming
Is on the verge of boiling over
And you try but are unable
Like
Chernobyl in your heart the chain reaction is unstable
And the blood pressure is higher than the moment just before…
And the next commercial thankfully
Is a high blood pressure cure.

There’s a rhythm to this madness
If you take a sec to look
One option is unplug
Put down your phone
pick up a book But the other option probably is more helpful and realistic
Find the humor, check the facts, and try to remain optimistic.

Ask yourself the question: who profits from my rage?
And prevent them from lining up their pockets with that booty.

We’re His children despite race, creed, preference or age.

Under God we’re indivisible.
To stay United is our duty.


What’s your favorite bit: The repeated ding-dongs or the use of Chernobyl as a metaphor for being angry about politics? See, this is why people hate poetry. I tried to find a source for this poem but none exists, which makes me wonder if Pratt wrote it himself (but if he didn’t then come on, credit the poor illiterate soul who composed this). Look at that dazzling wit, it reminds me of a young Andrew Dice Clay.

Of course Pratt is the kind of smarmy dude who would Both Sides everything, dying on the fence rather than taking a side. Although, that’s not entirely accurate because we totally know what side he falls on really, even if he doesn’t say it out loud. But don’t worry because he’s wrapping it up in Christianity. Even Jesus Christ gets to be a better Chris than this guy. At least Jesus could knock together a table and told people to cut it out with the bigotry.

Please cleanse your soul with this gif of the true Best Chris.

Chris Pine puppy.gif
(Credit: Giphy)



Kayleigh is a features writer for Pajiba. You can follow her on Twitter.


Header Image Source: Getty Images.


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