Who Would Jesus Flip Off in Space?
Chris Pratt has apparently made it his New Year’s Resolution to go balls out in the evangelical department. We’re barely two weeks into 2019, and he’s already blasted it across social media that he’s on the Daniel Fast and engaged to Katherine Schwarzenegger, so they can safely bone under the watchful eye of the Lord and “live boldly in faith.” Unlike his previous godless marriage, which is already getting shaded in articles about how hard Chris and Katherine take their faith to the hole. Anna Faris puts up a respectable, cordial front for their son, but I’d be pretty pissed about items like this.
“They’re going to want a religious wedding,” says a source. “I know that Chris does, and I assume that she does, too. God is going to be a part of this marriage.”
Pratt, 39, loves that Schwarzenegger doesn’t shy away from discussing her beliefs openly, the first source tells PEOPLE.
“He’s constantly around other people who have no faith or are apologetic about it, but not her. She is willing to talk about it to anyone who will listen.”
Despite the fact that Pratt is divorced, which is generally frowned upon in the evangelical community, the faith-based engagement news was gobbled up by Christian sites. Right-wing dumpster fires like The Federalist and good ol’ Fox News were also giddy over the announcement because Pratt’s brand of Christianity is exactly the kind that puts racist shitlords in seats of power.
On that note, let me pause and say that if you’re a Christian who doesn’t reliably vote Republican so the government will enforce your beliefs on others, I’m obviously not talking about you. My issue is with the white, all-American flavor of evangelicalism that forgoes all of the helping the poor and commie shit that Jesus wouldn’t shut up about, and instead treats faith like The Secret, where believing in God is a golden ticket to cash money and the perfect life. Granted, Chris Pratt puts on a congenial, non-threatening face that so far seems free of the requisite homophobia and misogyny. (Although, trading in his free-thinking wife for a more Godly and compliant spouse raises some serious flags.) But despite his best efforts to be just an everyday, affable Hollywood star, conservatism continues to creep into his public persona starting with his love of guns, which seems to go hand in hand with evangelical Christianity. (Why does that happen so much, you ask? Because the End Times will bring about a one-world government that outlaws Christianity, so all my prayer warriors need to arm up. Duh.)
But probably the biggest component of Pratt’s faith is hypocrisy. For example, the fact that he stars in Guardians of the Galaxy, easily the raunchiest, least godly franchise in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. My dad is an evangelical pastor, and he hates the GOTG movies, which is hilarious because they’re fronted by a guy who’s two seconds away from joining Promise Keepers and going full Blue Lives Matter. I mean, if Chris Pratt is a real Christian, he’d bail right out of these things because check out all of this sin.
Aliens: The Bible says God only created life on one planet. Which is why it’s cool if we trash the place because it’s our property, and he’ll be back before shit gets bad anyway. Don’t worry about it.
Profanity: “Thou shalt not take the Lord’s name in vain.” Or essentially proclaim yourself Space Jesus. Pretty sure’s that frowned upon.
Pre-marital sex: Did Peter enter the bonds of matrimony before he bedded alien women in his spaceship? No. No, he did not.
Talking animals: Wait, that’s actually biblical AF. My bad.
Infinity Stones: There’s only one magic stone in the universe. The one that rolled away.
Ego: A divine being who randomly impregnates young women until one of them finally gives him the magic son he’s always wanted? Yup, no blasphemy there.
Disrespecting elders: Blasphemous origins aside, Ego is still Peter’s father and should’ve been paid the proper respect of not being laser blasted in the face.
Female characters who don’t get pregnant: What the f**k?!
And finally, this weird exchange from Infinity War where I’m pretty sure the first character in a Marvel movie takes a deliberate crack at Christianity. Even weirder, it’s said by Chris Pratt, who noticeably did not quit and instead, accepted large amounts of riches to mock the Lord. Riches that he did not give to the poor so it’d be easier for him to get into Heaven than it is to jam a camel through a hole.
At this point, I should probably mention that the third Guardians movie is on hold, so if Chris Pratt really wants to prove he goes hard for Jesus, that looks like a sign to me.
Love and light.
Header Image Source: Marvel