I’m not proud of this, but Caroline Calloway’s chaotic-tour of Twitter is giving me a lot of mileage and entertainment right now (in case you missed it, she posted her boobs on Twitter last week for reasons that are between her, her “talent,” and the T&Cs attorneys at Twitter.) I had an hour-long text conversation about her over the weekend because my friend has actually paid for her Patreon in the past (!!!) and filled me in on just what CC’s been up to lately. It basically amounts to promising a book that will (probably) never come; sending out art that she makes with a glue stick and then rolls up in a tube, so when the art arrives, it’s already crumbling; and posting a lot of messy content (definitely) on Twitter for reasons unknown, but she seems to be in on the joke, so I feel OK following along. Being cooped up in our homes all day is making us all a little bonkers, and you know what? It’s clear she’s staying inside during her anarchy tour, so, hey—shine on, you Chaotic-Neutral social distancer.
In addition to ranking the dudes she’s slept with a variety of ways (handsomeness, skills, etc.) she posted this tantalizing DM screenshot, which was shared with me in my amazing Tiger King group chat with my friends, because you know what? We gotta do what we gotta do to get through this:
The Hollywood heartthrob from your favorite Netflix show slid into my dms after I posted my nude and I don’t know how to explain that I’m not trying to seem uninterested it’s just TOO PAINFUL TO TALK TO SOMEONE SO SEXY during quarantine when there’s nothing we can do about it pic.twitter.com/SgBvmirlQF— ◥◤Caroline Calloway (@carolinecaloway) April 5, 2020
Look, I never in a million years thought that I would one day be posting a Caroline Calloway blind item on Pajiba. I also never thought I’d like lima beans, or stop drunk texting my ex at 2 am, either, after listening to Boyz II Men’s “End of the Road” on repeat (finally deleted that song off my phone, best decision ever), but 2020 is a bag of mysteries and rusty barbed wires, so here we are. We’re going to guess who it was, and we’re going to like doing it, dammit!
Now, look, first we need to take into account that CC is probably not the most reliable narrator out there. For obvious reasons. It’s been established that she tends to bend the truth to suit her own means, which is to say, I have a theory on who it is, only he’s not the star of a show, he’s the star of a series of movies…
I mean, that’s my guess, because like so many people said in her thread (and in my DM group), it’s highly unlikely that Joe Exotic has access to social media platforms in prison, and I’m drawing a blank as to who else is a famous Netflix star at the moment.
Chances are CC will eventually reveal who it is because she’s fully embraced being a tornado of pandemonium. The chances are also good that whoever she says it is will not be actually who it is, because again, what is objective truth to Caroline Calloway? A pesky distraction, that’s what.
As I said earlier—I never expected to actively care what kind of discord Caroline Calloway is sowing in this moment, or any moment, really. But we’re here, and she’s here, and you know what? This is better than the horrendous puppygate season of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, so I can’t be mad. In fact, I look forward to what grabbag of bedlam she throws our way next. I’ll be ready.
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