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All This Social Distancing Is Killing Gwyneth Paltrow's Sex Life, You Guys

By Mike Redmond | Celebrity | April 6, 2020 |

By Mike Redmond | Celebrity | April 6, 2020 |


As I’m typing this from a rented townhouse, the sounds of my wife and daughter arguing over her virtual schoolwork are carrying down the stairs from the kitchen, which is directly above my head. At the same time, I can hear my neighbor’s children jumping and slamming about their house thanks to the shared wall between us. (Should they go outside, they’ll be wailing and screaming right in front of my office/basement window for a really nice treat.) If I were to travel upstairs to escape that noise, I’d be greeted by my son yelling loudly into his headset while playing Fortnite from his bedroom.

So, in short, what I really want to hear in the midst of all this is that Gwyneth Paltrow is having a hard time f*cking and boning her husband in their massive Hollywood house. It’d be one thing if the stress and anxiety from a global pandemic were killing the mood in the bedroom, but nope, it’s the “stress” of sharing a spacious, luxury California abode with her two kids. Goddammit.

In an almost hour-long video shared to Goop that I encourage no one to watch — You’re not that bored. Trust me. — Paltrow talks about how her two teenaged children are making their celebrity dwelling feel like “close quarters,” which is putting a damper on her sex life with Brad Falchuk. Again, I can clearly hear my neighbor having a conversation with her dog in our shared front yard (shoot me), while my wife is putting on a mask for a grocery store run, where we might not be able to shop if advertising rates go even more tits up and I’m out of work. So, please, forgive me if I’m not exactly losing sleep that Goop’s having a dry spell, but might I also suggest not making your husband appear in a 53-minute video for your snake-oil website where you tell God knows how many people that he’s not giving you the good stuff. Could be a good place to start.

Of course, what’s especially rich about this development is that Gwyneth Paltrow’s whole brand has been shilling miracle treatments for maintaining the world’s most perfect and irresistible beef boudoir that no husband will ever stray from. We’re talking about a woman who’s pushed everything from steam cleaning your sex canoe to shoving goddamn rocks in it. Christ, she literally recommended bringing snakes into the bedroom, actual snake, and I’m sure if I search hard enough, I can find an article where she recommends smacking your cooter against a beehive and letting the rejuvenating magic of bee stings to do its thing. (She only recommends that for your face? Close enough.)

So what does it say about Gwyneth’s entire business model if we’re barely three weeks into this thing and she’s already complaining that she’s not taking routine trips to Bonetown because her kids might be in an entirely separate wing of the house? That’s not exactly a sterling endorsement for vagina rocks and snake orgies. Then again, since the video, Goop has made a very interesting pivot toward self-pleasure products, which could simply be an attempt to jump on a probably booming market or a sign of how things are going at Not Enough Peen Palace. Why not both?

On a side note, some people are actually dragging Gwyneth for this latest business move, but honestly, this is easily the most reasonable thing she’s ever done. I’d much rather have her capitalizing on vibrator sales than joining her longtime Goop contributor in saying the pandemic is a hoax just like AIDS. Let Iron Man’s girlfriend stay busy selling sex toys, people. For the love of God.

Mike is a Staff Contributor living in Pennsyltucky. You can follow him on Twitter.

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