The 2019 Pajiba Ten: The 10 Brainiest, Most Lustful Celebrities on the Planet
By The Pajiba Staff | Celebrity | August 2, 2019 |
By The Pajiba Staff | Celebrity | August 2, 2019 |
The votes are in, folks, and as always, here is where we remind you that you have no one else to blame but yourselves for the way the Pajiba 10 worked out this year. Our votes count as much as yours do. That is the price of Democracy, and I really wish our nation’s democracy was as good as the Pajiban one, because this year’s list turned out to be a fantastic one. It is an almost perfect combination of newbies and returning representatives. In fact, there are five newcomers to the Pajiba 10 and five members who have been elevated to the official Pajiba 10 Hall of Fame (including this year’s Hall of Fame bonus, courtesy of our screw-up). Honestly, we couldn’t have come up with a better list ourselves (exception: Emily, who nearly quit the site in protest over the exclusion of Megan Rapinoe, who narrowly missed the cutoff, along with Hayley Atwell and Brie Larson). We also have a first-timer at number one, who by all accounts should’ve been in the Hall of Fame a decade ago. For that, I will hold you all responsible.
I’m not going to hold you up any longer with our preamble, except to thank Kim S., who took on the monumental task of calculating the ballots this year.
With that, here’s your Pajiba 10.
Timothy Olyphant (Hall of Fame Bonus) — Timothy Olyphant first arrived on our collective pants-tightening radars after his role in 1999’s Go as a drug dealer holding Katie Holmes hostage as collateral (something Tom Cruise did to far less acclaim years later).
However, it was his role as Seth Bullock in Deadwood that really blew our panties off our pelvises and earned Olyphant a spot on the Pajiba 10. His turn as Deputy Raylan Givens further cemented his place in the list, leading to our f*ckup adding him into the Hall of Fame prematurely.
This year, the people have spoken and our angry cowboy turned loving husband of flesh-eating Drew Barrymore is actually, finally, truthfully a member of the Hall of Fame. Forever will the sight of Olyphant in a cowboy hat bring us to our weak, wobbly knees in sighs of awe and contrition for the man who was kept from his rightful spot in our lusty lists. Welcome to forever, Olyphant. We love you. — Jodi Smith
10. Lupita Nyong’o — There should be no question as to WHY Lupita Nyong’o is on this list. She’s a gorgeous, talented, charming, witty woman who rocketed onto the A-List straight out of the Yale School of Drama. Within three years of her Hollywood debut in 12 Years a Slave she’d also made her Broadway debut in Eclipsed, her motion capture debut as Maz Kanata, and her voice-acting debut in The Jungle Book. After that she took a victory lap with critically acclaimed roles in Black Panther and Us. Oh, and in that time she also won an Academy Award and was named one of People Magazine’s Most Beautiful because, obviously. Have we talked about her sense of style, because she also has an AMAZING sense of style.
And she’s got some serious moves, as seen in this video of her dancing with Janelle Monáe, a Pajiba 10 twofer for the history books.
JANELLE MONÁE BROUGHT OUT LUPITA NYONG’O DURING I GOT THE JUICE AND THEY WERE DANCING STOP THIS WAS AMAZING pic.twitter.com/s1Y8y4c4S7— shayma (@IoumiIIerr) July 2, 2019
In fact, Lupita can often be seen in the company of other members of this year’s Pajiba 10, a fact that just ENHANCES her own appeal. All these fun, sexy people seem to really like hanging out with her, which makes her seem even more fun and sexy herself. This may be the first time Lupita Nyong’o has made the Pajiba 10, but it certainly should not be the last. — Genevieve Burgess
9. Chris Hemsworth — Oh lordy, Chris Hubba-Hubba-Hemsworth is a beautiful man. This God of Thunder looks like he was carved from a block of marble, and daammmn. There’s, uh, stiff competition for Best Chris, and although the crown now belongs to Keanu, you can’t deny the hotness of this one. But he’s not just a very, very ridiculously pretty face. There’s a twinkle in Hemsworth’s eye, and he shines when he gets the chance to be funny. Last year, it was the combination of the haircut and the comedy chops that got him onto the list. Was it the Men in Black suit that kept him here? Or the El Royale dance? It was the dance, wasn’t it? No judgment here.
He’s adorable with his kids, and I would wager good money (at least 10 pounds) that he gives great hugs, and smells amazing. I mean, seriously. Like salty air and sunshine. Hot-diggity-damn. Thor 4? More like Thor Phwoar, amirite? — Hannah Sole
8. Phoebe Waller-Bridge — Congratulations, Phoebe. Just days after Fleabag earned 11 Emmy nominations with Killing Eve scoring another five, we bestow upon you the greatest honor our not-so-humble website has to offer. Welcome to the distinguished ranks of the Pajiba 10. You’ve made it here not only because your onscreen romance with Hot Priest (Andrew Scott) riled our lions into a frenzy! Not only because of your Kinsey Scale-swaying flirtation with Kristin Scott Thomas! Not only because you looked so damn good in a pantsuit you began a sensation! But also for the sheer brilliance of you! With both your shows, you’ve given us compelling portraits of complicated women who make us gasp, swoon, cry, and cackle. Your wit has a sharp edge, yet contains a deep throbbing empathy for every misfit, neurotic, psycho, and fleabag. You craft a blend of comedy, suspense, and tragedy that crackles with risk and throbs with love. Plus, your wink and smile drive us wild. We’re crazy about all of it and can’t wait to see what’s next. — Kristy Puchko
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“Sabes amar mejor que todos nosotros, por eso te resulta tan doloroso”. Fleabag. Cuando vi la primera temporada no la recomendé demasiado, era como un pequeño tesoro escondido que no apetecía compartir. No conocía a nadie que la hubiera visto. De repente todo el mundo está flipando con la 2ª temporada y me da la impresión de que éramos unos cuantos y cuantas guardándonos ese tesoro, pero era de justicia que saliese a la luz. Para mí es LA SERIE y Phoebe Waller-Bridge (guionista y protagonista) MI ÍDOLA. 🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻 #thisisalovestory #fleabag #phoebewallerbridge
7. Winston Duke — Winston Duke’s meteoric rise into the Pajiba 10 is fairly remarkable when you consider that his movie career has encompassed only two characters, so far: M’Baku in Black Panther and the Avengers films, as well as Gabe in Jordan’s Peele’s Us. The two characters could not be more different: One is a ruthless warrior with a twisted sense of humor and a deep sense of loyalty to his Wakandan family, and the other is a … beloved father with a Dad sense of humor and a deep sense of loyalty to his family, except when he’s playing his mirror in Us, in which case he’s a ruthless warrior with a twisted sense of humor and a deep sense of loyalty to his mirror fam … you know what? I’m getting lost in the comparisons. Point is: He’s hot. Even when he looks like Jordan Peele, or more accurately, especially when he looks like Jordan Peele.
It should be noted, also, that the Pajiba contingent is not the only group of people that thirsts for Winston Duke. Here he is reading thirst tweets about himself, which only makes us thirst for him more.
I think the unknown Twitter user in the video above says it best: “Winston Duke could literally rip me in half and my spirit would thank him.” Amen. — Dustin Rowles
6. Chris Evans — 2019, the year we say goodbye to Chris Evans as Captain America, and as a future recipient of the P10, as our illustrious Cap (and that ass) are being retired in the Hall of Fame…at least in this timeline. Chris Evans looks like the type of guy, if on a date, who will look directly into your eyes, ask you questions about yourself, and then listen to your responses instead of waiting for a pause in conversation to talk about his assortment of Girls Gone Wild tapes on VHS that he now believes to be collector’s items (side note: they’re not.) Which is to say, he looks like boyfriend material in addition to being very, very handsome. Make no mistake, he is very, very handsome, and one of the more vocal opponents in Hollywood to the unrelenting horror that is going on in Washington, save for a few missteps *cough* Dan Crenshaw *cough*, which makes him even more attractive. Anyway, we’re retiring him at the right time, as his political website is going to be unleashed onto the world soon, which may tarnish his shine for a few of us. So, let’s embrace this last hurrah of Chris Evans in Pajiba 10 and give him (and his butt) the sendoff they deserve. — Kate Hudson
5. Janelle Monáe — What is there left to say about Janelle Monáe that the world has not already said? Dirty Computer was leaps and bounds ahead of anything else in music in 2018, her live performances continue to dazzle, she made vagina pants en vogue, and she proved a scene-stealer when the Met Gala went camp. As the red carpet gets drabber, Janelle is always there to bring some much-needed vibrancy and always on her terms. It’s not just that she’s extremely beautiful — although she certainly is — but that she practically radiates a kind of force that is utterly irresistible. We want to follow her wherever she may go, be it new music, fashion, acting, or world domination. Screw the Grammys for overlooking her time and time again. — Kayleigh Donaldson
4. Emma Thompson — Although the first thing I saw her was The Young Ones, I didn’t really know who Emma Thompson was until Dead Again and then I didn’t really know who she was until Much Ado About Nothing. Because that’s when I realized just what a resplendent beauty, wit, and charm Emma Thompson is, and that’s when I was forever in love.
Much Ado may not be the moment each of you fell in love with Thompson, but you all have one. Whether it’s Sense and Sensibility or Love, Actually or even Junior or Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (you do you), at some point you’ve realized that she’s just the best thing you’ve ever seen on screen. And sure, she’s been nominated for and won a heap of awards for acting and writing over the years, but it turns out she’s even better off-screen. Because the best role Thompson has ever played is being a voice and an example, an atheist liberal feminist who is an active humanitarian and environmentalist.
Emma Thompson is talented and beautiful, to be sure, but she’s also good for this broken world, and perhaps far better than we deserve. Look what fellow goddess Meryl Streep has to say about her:
Emma makes you want to kill yourself, because she’s a beautiful artist, she’s a writer, she’s a thinker, she’s a living, acting conscience. Emma considers, carefully, what the fuck she is putting into the culture. Emma thinks: Is this helpful? Not will it build my brand? Not will it give me billions? Not does this express me? Me! Me! My unique and fabulous self, into all eternity in every universe for all time? Will I get a sequel out of it, or a boat? Or, a perfume contract?
She has real access to her own tenderness, and it’s one of the most disarming things about her. She works like a stevedore, she drinks like a… a bloke. She’s smart and crack, and she can be withering in a smackdown of wits, but she leads with her heart, and she knows nothing is more funny earnestness.
(You should go read that whole Vanity Fair piece - but please come back - because it’s something.)
Oh. Also, she gets drunk with Hannah Gadsby and does the robot and, I mean, what else can I say … EMMA THOMPSON IS THE GOD. DAMNED. BEST. — Seth Freilich
Emma Thompson getting day drunk with Hannah Gadsby is what I want to be when I grow up https://t.co/BGa6IhHnGK— Jenny Noyes (@jennynoise) July 22, 2019
3. Taika Waititi — To what do we owe the two-year consecutive dominance of Taika Waititi? We don’t often find directors clogging up our P10 lists, let alone one that can sit comfortably on a panel next to Chris Hemsworth and Tessa Thompson and suck up all the spotlight. Then again, we don’t often get directors who are also writers and actors, who aren’t afraid to play incompetent vampires and alien rock people and even Hitler (sorry, “Shitler”) — and look damn good while doing so. Is it his salt-and-pepper hair? His stern jaw? His tropical wardrobe? Is it his humor, his irreverence, or the way his legs look in shorts? Or is it all of that and more? Taika just might be the complete package — though it’s entirely possible that I’m just looking for an excuse to say his name and the word “package” in the same breath (don’t judge me, you all are the ones who voted for him!). In the end, I don’t suppose we need to know exactly why he tickles our incredibly discerning P10 fancy, because I have a feeling our lust affair with him is far from over. We can sort out his placement — and our feelings about Jojo Rabbit — next year, when he’ll inevitably hit Hall of Fame status. — Tori Preston
2. Tessa Thompson — A lot can change in a year. In 2018, Tessa Thompson was our No. 1 in the Pajiba 10, “our new queen,” as Kristy wrote at the time. Such heights will not be reached for Tessa again, at least not this year, but that’s not because Tessa slacked this year. No, no. Tessa continued to show us all how it’s fucking done, tearing up the screen in everything from big-budget blockbusters like Avengers: Endgame to little indies you should have seen, like Nia DaCosta’s Little Woods. As a woman hustling every which way she can to scrounge together enough money to pay for her sister’s abortion, Thompson was defiant and melancholy, weary and riveting. “Didn’t you know I could do it all?” Thompson seemed to be telling us as she stole scenes in Sorry to Bother You, was a key component of the exemplary cast in Annihilation, what I consider 2018’s best film, and expanded her presence in Creed II. Men in Black: International was a bust, but did you SEE her as Eartha Kitt in Drunk History? MY GOD.
TESSA THOMPSON IS PLAYING EARTHA KITT ON DRUNK HISTORY TONIGHT AND ALSO NOW IN THE BIOPIC I HAVE TO WRITE brb pic.twitter.com/ZXrkBym7eZ— Jarett Wieselman (@JarettSays) July 2, 2019
And really, my God to everything Thompson does. To that time she showed us her excellent moves.
To the news that she’s going to voice Lady in the upcoming Lady and the Tramp adaptation, to her continued representation of the queer community, and to her calling out for a “queen” as she becomes the new King of Asgard. Do it all, Tessa. We’re here for it.
1. Keanu Reeves — Well you’ve finally gone and done it, haven’t you, you lot? You’ve finally bloody redeemed yourself.
After never once—not one single solitary granny twirling time—voting him into the hallowed halls of Pajiba 10 in all these years, this time the frothy, capricious, breathtaking hivemind that is You, dear readers, found its bearing. Your souls aligned with the cosmic plane and, harmonizing with the Way Things Are Meant To Be, they saw the light. And it cast a beatific glow over a solitary figure suspended in the darkness. A figure that seemed to shift in appearance even as one beheld it in a manner reminiscent of A Scanner Darkly, morphing seamlessly between Johnny Utah and Neo and John Wick and Ted Logan and…that…bloke…from Speed…who had a name, I think.
The point is that you did it. You turned away from the darkness and Keanu Reeves was at last granted a place in the only yearly roundup of anything that matters.
To be fair to you all, you didn’t only just redeem yourself. Keanu didn’t squeak in. He got 3 times the number of votes that third place did. I would attribute that to my impassioned ‘For Your Consideration’ write-up for him, but hey—that wouldn’t be very Keanu of me, would it? And I think if there’s one thing to take away from this belated but still momentous vindication, it’s that we should all remember to try to be a bit more Keanu these days: Chill, humble, grateful, considerate, and caring. — Petr Knava
Well, that, and this; always this:
Header Image Source: Getty Images
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