Friends, I have a hard time telling people apart sometimes. Everyone kind of looks to me like a blur (unless you have a distinctive face tattoo) and that goes double for people in Hollywood. Long gone are the days of quirky character actors with what my grandmother would have described as having “personality” in their face. So, you won’t be surprised to know that I’ve had a heck of a time trying to remember that Eric Bana isn’t facing a lot of time in prison because he thought that buying his daughters’ way into USC was the way to go. No, friends, you may or may not be shocked to find out that Mossimo Giannulli and Eric Bana are not the same person—but if you’re like me and are having a hard time telling them apart, I’ve put together a handy-dandy way for you to tell when you encounter one of the men in the wild.
Scenario 1: On a Movie Set
If you find yourself on a movie set (and not on a Netflix TV series or Hallmark channel shoot) chances are you’ve run into Eric Bana. Need to be really sure? Shout “HEY, ERIC!!!” and see if he turns around, but if that happens, you had better have something on the ready to say. In a pinch, you can always tell him “hey, man, good job on not being Mossimo Giannulli! That dude is in real trouble right now” and then put your hand up for a high-five. (Note: I don’t know if Eric Bana likes to high-five strangers who shout his name at his workplace. I only know the vague differences between him and Mr. Aunt Becky.)
Scenario 2: At Target
OK, now this is a tricky one. As you may or may not know, not-Eric Bana used to have a line of apparel and accessories at Target that were discontinued in 2017. So, you have to ask yourself, is this man here because he’s haunting the halls where he was once successful (think a sadder version of Matthew McConaughey’s Wooderson from Dazed and Confused) or is he a moderately successful Australian actor shopping for sundries? There’s really only one way to figure it out. Shout “HEY, ERIC!!!” and see if he turns around—if he does, chances are it’s Eric Bana and you need to think quickly. Tell him there was a spider on his back but it’s gone now. Flip him a thumbs up and then you need to leave the store (including your shopping cart) and never go back. You have ceded territory to the Bana and there’s nothing you can do about.
Unless, that is, he doesn’t turn around. Then chances are it’s Mossimo Giannulli. You can say what you want to him, I guess, or nothing at all. It’s a free country, and you’re in control of your own destiny, friend.
Scenario 3: At a Court House
OK, now here’s where it gets really tricky. You’re at a courthouse for a reason, so if you’re testifying to a judge on matters that are entirely your own and you think Eric Bana walks into the courtroom, you need to wait until the Judge dismisses you from the stand. As you’re walking out of the room you need to shout, “HEY, ERIC!!!” and see if he turns around. Now, you’re running the risk of the Judge getting mad at you, but what does that matter when you’re staring at one of the dudes who once played Hulk for one movie?!
If it’s Eric Bana and you don’t know what to say to him, just tell him that your Uncle loved him in The Time Traveler’s Wife. He doesn’t need to know that you named your dog “Uncle” and that really your dog prefers P.S. I Love You. This is Eric Bana, baby!
OK, so let’s say that it wasn’t Eric Bana and now the Judge is mad at you. Well, I guess you’ll have a lot of time to laugh about the mix-up with Mossimo Giannulli as you’re sitting in a jail cell together, you for contempt of court, him, for being an entitled bone-head (this is the legal term. I am a lawyer. Well, I watched a lot of Matlock growing up, so same difference.)
I hoped this cleared up any confusion you might have between Eric Bana and Mossimo Giannulli—if not, you’re on your own. I’ve reached the limits of my expertise. Until next time, when I’ll help you figure out if someone is Meghan McCain or just a really loud seagull with an attitude problem.
Anyway, if you came here for Eric Bana news, it’s this, per Variety:
Eric Bana will star in the Australian police drama “The Dry,” a feature adaptation of Jane Harper’s bestselling novel […]
Everything seems to be hunky dory in Bana-land, which is more than I can say for not-Uncle Jesse (who is facing 20 years in prison if found guilty….) Some days, it’s better to be one rich white dude than another. The wheel of fortune spins round and round.
The Dry began shooting in February, so hopefully Bana’s schedule will be clear in time to portray Mossimo in whatever vehicle Hollywood dreams up for this, because he and Lori Loughlin just pleaded not guilty to all their (alleged) shenanigans, so it’s going to be a bumpy ride for them. Just, please, can we leave this to the people who really know what they’re doing?
Sorry, David Fincher and Aaron Sorkin, you ain’t got s*it on Lifetime Movie’s finest—let the big dogs do their thing here, gents.
Header Image Source: Getty