Matt Damon Is Boston 'Strong' On Hot Ones

Matt Damon is a bland person. If he hadn’t accidentally stumbled upon greatness that one time in the 1990s, he’d be another douchebro from Boston using “the F slur” in the bar on Saturday night. But we wouldn’t have to hear about it. Someone else would have played Jason Bourne just as well.

And yes, of course, I have enjoyed Matt Damon’s movies. Some of his movies are enjoyable. Some of them are even very good. Some of them are not.

As part of his promotional tour for his latest, Stillwater, Matt made an appearance on Hot Ones where he shared his non-controversial thoughts on hot sauces (They’re delicious! I’d buy them all!), and his middle-management take on the business of making movies.

He’s just so … Boston Dad. It’s boring. It’s all F-bombs, praising Bill Burr as a god, and antagonizing The Lakers (for whom I have no love) during a playoff game. I mean, if you’re going to sit court-side with Mark Wahlberg in LA, of COURSE Phil Jackson is going to yell at you. You probably deserve it.

Also on display is the misplaced sense of ego inherent in all mediocre white men that allowed him to think Steven Soderbergh wanted to hire him as A WRITER for 2009’s The Informant.

I remember he told me about it and I didn’t realize he was offering me to star in it. ‘Cause nobody had offered me a job in a while. And I said do you want me to write this? ‘Cause I’m a writer also. And he said, “No, Scott Burns is going to write it. I want you to star in it.”

In 2009 Matt Damon had exactly two writing credits. Good Will Hunting and something called Gerry, which seems to be a movie about him and Casey Affleck getting lost in the desert (we should only be so lucky) that people walked out on at Sundance. A writer. Pffft.

So that’s Matt Damon sweating from his hair follicles, bringing “The Boston” to hot wing eating. Making his kids proud, finally.