When you become a certain age, have children, spend your weekends mowing yards, attending kid birthday parties, passing out on couches in the middle of the day, and engaging in “low-impact” exercises, it starts to get really creepy if you are crushing on much younger celebrities. Emma Watson is a very attractive person, and so is Alexandra Daddario, and so is Daisy Ridley, but you can’t be that creepy dude who wags his tongue at a woman 15 years your junior. It’s not cool. It’s icky. Objectify someone your own age, for God’s sake.
In that vein, I thought I would offer a few suggestions for Dads who still have the energy to harbor crushes on celebrities, but want to do so in an age-appropriate way. If you’re old enough to remember Lenny biting his palm every time he saw a beautiful woman, here are 10 women with whom it is still OK to do the same.
Rosemarie Dewitt — Easily the best smile on all the planet, Rosemarie Dewitt is an age appropriate 44 years of age and can light up any screen she appears on.
Kathryn Hahn — One of the funniest women on the planet, Hahn’s attraction extends not only to her looks but to her profane insults and wicked sense of humor. The 42-year-old can also put you in your place, and at your age, that’s important.
Lucy Liu — I never saw it earlier in her career, because she was too often saddled with bitchy roles, but it hit me in Southland and now she’s also the best reason to watch Elementary on CBS. She’s hot, but there’s also some warmth there, too.
Sharon Horgan — She’s like the British Kathryn Hahn, or the older more appropriate Aya Cash: Salty, self-deprecating, and in Catastrophe, somehow makes all those changes women go through after childbirth incredibly attractive.
Carrie Coon — In a suit, in a sweater, in pajamas, while eating toast, drinking wine, or reading the newspaper, Carrie Coon is brunch-and-pajamas wife hot, not that she’d ever marry you because she’s into sophisticated Pulitzer Prize winning playwrights who are much smarter than you.
Winona Ryder — You were crushing on her in the 90s. There’s no reason to stop now. She’s still the hottest, coolest woman on the planet and admit it, that whole shoplifting business? It endeared her to you even more.
Paula Patton — Wait, she’s 40? How did she get to be 40? And what the fuck is wrong with Alan Thicke’s kid? This one feels wrong, but her age says it’s OK.
Jessica Chastain — When you get to be a certain age and you can start to afford better liquor and meals that don’t come in paper wrappings, you really should cultivate an attraction to more classy women. Jessica Chastain has two Oscar nominations. She went to Julliard. She’s been in a Terrence Malick film, and she could probably make you look much better than you actually are at dinner parties.
Rhea Seehorn — Be honest. The most you have been turned on in all of 2016 is when you saw Rhea Seehorn in a sweatshirt and boxers eating pie on a bed. I’m right there with you, buddy.
Regina King — Jerry Maguire is 20 years old this year, which means that Regina King is no longer 25. She’s 45. She’s never looked better. Fun fact: As Leftovers fans know, she can also kill you with her disdainful stare of judgment.