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You Stare At Him. He Just Stares Right Back. And That’s When the Attack Comes.

By Agent Bedhead | Career Assessments | November 12, 2010 |

By Agent Bedhead | Career Assessments | November 12, 2010 |

Subject: Jeffrey Lynn Goldblum, 58-year old American actor

Positive Buzzwords: Enigmatic, languid, dry humor, longevity, self-depreciation

Negative Buzzwords: Quirky, greasy, horndog

Date of Assessment: November 12, 2010

The Case: Ah yes, the time has finally come to discuss a subject of Bedhead fantasies, but before anyone gets your hopes up that I’ll make erotic declarations concerning the languid presence of one Jeff Goldblum, it’s not quite like that. You see, my enduring dream about Goldblum is to open a bottle of shampoo (the brand matters not) and pour the contents over head, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Even if I don’t see the physical appeal of the bloke, many female hearts swoon at his mere presence, and there’s even a Tumblr devoted to rating the “Goldblum Presence” in various movies. Despite such a devoted fanbase and an affable oddball presence, the truly odd thing about Jeff Goldblum is that he’s the kind of actor that we all assume has enjoyed a very successful career but really should have been in more movies than one can actually recall. In particular, when reflecting upon all of those 1990s blockbusters, we realize that the man’s been favoring a slow simmer of late. Most recently, Goldblum’s received advance critical raves for his supporting role in this week’s Morning Glory, but this limited release movie certainly won’t help Goldblum fans recover from the monstrosity known as The Switch, which seemed like an awfully large fall from blockbuster territory to picking up Alec Baldwin’s leftovers in the latest Jennifer Aniston chick flick.

Goldblum oozed from humble beginnings — as “Freak #1” in Death Wish and “Lacey Party Guest” in Annie Hall; plus an appearance in a rather ephemeral television series, “Tenspeed and Brown Shoe” — towards breakthrough roles in The Big Chill and Earth Girls Are Easy until, finally, he took a starring role in The Fly. As scientist Seth Brundle, Goldblum was captivating, intense, and heart-breaking in what many (including myself) would consider the best performance of his career. Regardless of his subsequent stints in other beloved quality movies — Powder, Igby Goes Down, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, and Perfume — Goldblum is still perhaps best-known as Dr. Ian Malcolm in Jurassic Park (director actor Sam Neill famously compared Goldblum’s presence in terms of a Velociraptor) and The Lost World: Jurassic Park, along with the craptastic Independence Day. And let’s just gloss over the Cats & Dogs nonsense while we’re ahead.

Although I’m not certain what Goldblum’s ultimate career goals happen to be, he’s definitely fallen out of the mainstream spotlight somewhat. Over the past few years, Goldblum’s marked his time with a stage stint on London’s West End. He professes not to care about the money and shuns all talk of the “craft” but has made do with a two-season stint on the USA Network’s “Law & Order: Criminal Intent.” After twenty-four episodes, Goldblum announced that he wouldn’t return to the show, which gave the series’ audience plenty of reason to eject their seats early from what appears to be a sinking ship. Indeed, where Goldblum goes, his audience tends to follow, whether he’s performing rope tricks for Letterman or drunkenly educating Conan O’Brien about the self-Heimlich maneuver or the merits of peach pie. Further, what other actor would go to such lengths as conforming his own demise on “The Colbert Report”? Only Jeff Goldblum:

Jeff Goldblum Will Be Missed

Prognosis: As difficult as it is to endorse anything that has to do with Roland Emmerich, the future of Goldblum’s career rests upon whether he’ll participate within the rumored Independence Day sequels. By all indications, it doesn’t look like Goldblum even wants to be involved in those shitstorms of epic proportion. So his fans must remain content with smaller projects and hope that these can keep him afloat and on the radar. In Goldblum’s own words, odds are that his audience shall perpetually be “caught in a fleshstorm with a ninety-percent chance of satisfaction” and then some.

Agent Bedhead lives in Tulsa, Oklahoma. She and her little black heart can be found at