The box-office numbers are in, and while Adam Sandler and Justin Bieber had plenty to celebrate, humanity itself had a miserable weekend. Officially, thanks to the Valentine’s Day offerings, holiday finger-bangings were down a whopping 27 percent from the same weekend last year, which itself was already a real weenie-shrinker.
Adam Sandler’s Just Go with It, the most pathetic Valentine’s day movie in my lifetime, racked up $31 million in ticket sales, sending hundreds of thousands home for a night of bad sex. That was $8 million less than Sandler’s last Valentine’s Day outing in 2004, 50 First Dates, and way off 50 First Dates $51 million when adjusted for ticket-price inflation, which is both depressing for Adam Sandler and the rate of ticket-price inflation. It was, however, Jennifer Aniston’s fourth highest opening and best since Marley & Me, which had the added romantic benefit of a dead dog.
The most depressing fact about Just Go with It was that, as I often attempt to do to bolster my own negative opinion of a film, I stupidly sought validation from Cinemascore, under the misguided opinion that no one could possibly like that movie. How did the “people” feel about Just Go with It? An A-, although women gave it an A. Moreover, the audience score on Rotten Tomatoes for Just Go with It is 78 percent, compared to an 80 percent for the phenomenal Animal Kingdom (which received a 97 percent from critics).
I do not have my finger on the pulse of the mainstream, in part because the “mainstream” has no pulse.
Justin Bieber’s documentary, Never Say Never, had a bigger Friday opening than Just Go With It, but ultimately fell short, grossing $30 million over the weekend. I don’t feel like I can appropriately criticize Justin Bieber because I don’t know anything about Justin Bieber. My only exposure to his music came were was the credit song in the Karate Kid remake, and besides the chunk of brain I hemorrhaged through my sphincter, it was a fairly harmless experience. In an effort to learn something about the kid, I did read a profile in Vanity Fair a few weeks ago, and the only impression I got from it was, “What the hell Vanity Fair?” My only recollection from it was a pull-quote, “I’m not normal,” which struck me as exactly the sort of thing a kid who is dreadfully normal would say. Anyway, Agent Bedhead’s review will be up this week. I understand she threw her bra at the screen. I think she was trying to muzzle the kid.
Gnomeo and Juliet, the only family movie to open since Christmas, debuted at number three with a solid $25 million. I don’t know anything about that movie, either, except that it involves gnomes and it is not Amelie. Our review of that will be up this week, as well. The other opener was The Eagle, Charming Potato’s 147th movie of the last year. The Roommate, which slipped 44 percent, rounded out the top five with $8 million.