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The Best Quotes from Last Night's Thursday Night Comedies, Michael Scott Farewell Edition

By Dustin Rowles | TV | April 29, 2011 |

By Dustin Rowles | TV | April 29, 2011 |

Community (Grade: B. The show is on a minor slide; is it easier to be sweet than it is funny? Because, lately, it’s become a much better heartwarming comedy than funny one).

  • “An epidural is the only chance for a real Christian woman to get wrecked.”

  • “$500. That’s like a million bucks in dog dollars.”

  • “I didn’t even there was a difference between North and South Korean BBQ. I mean, M*A*S*H lasted longer than that war. Get over it, right?”

  • “If you can visualize a rabbit riding a dragon, it will increase its chances of winning the lottery.”

  • “Can you believe we come into the world, screaming and crying, covered in crap. And have the nerve to believe we’re destined for greatness?”

    The Office (Grade: B+. On the one hand, that was it? On the other hand, kudos on a sweet, understated farewell. It’s fitting. Last year, when Steve Carell announced he was leaving, he was asked how he wanted his last episode to be. He said something along the lines of, “It’s not up to me, but if it were, I’d want it to be like a regular day at the office.”)

  • “You should never settle for who you are.”

  • “As a person who buys a lot of erotic cakes, it just feels good to be represented on one.”

  • “Can I give you a piece of advice? A little cover-up on your Adam’s Apple will make it appear smaller, making you look less like a transvestite.”

  • “They say on your deathbed you never wish you spent more time at the office. But I will. It’s gotta be a lot better than a deathbed. I don’t even understand death beds. Who would ever buy one?”

    Parks and Recreation (Grade: A.)

  • “‘Four stars!’ says nobody.”

  • “Shut up. And look at me. Welcome to Visions of Nature. This room has several paintings in it. Some are big and some are small. People did them and they are here now. I believe after this is over they will be hung in government buildings. Why the government is involved in an art show is beyond me. I also think it’s pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they can go outside and stand in it.”

  • “Every great work of art contains a message. And the message of this painting is ‘Get out of my way, unless you want an arrow in your ass, Marcia.’”

  • “Do you know what cute means?”

  • “For viewers at home who many not know, Leslie, are centaurs real?”

  • “Brandi, how would you define pornography?” “For me, it’s when the penis goes in.”

    30 Rock (Grade: B)

  • “Lizbianism means that I’m a dyke against the rising waters of mediocrity.”

  • “That’s from Invictus! Wait. Who’s the white guy in that?”

  • “President Inter-Bush is out of the question.”

  • “Mars Attacks! is awesome.”

  • “No one here’s ever seen an iPhone. I told them it was my razor. I have to shave my legs with it, but they have an app for that.”