Listen, maybe I’m spoiled. I watch a lot of television on my laptop, so, most of the time, I don’t have to deal with the commercials. I know most of you have a DVR-thinger, so you’re similarly shielded. So I’ll admit that my tolerance for ad-related stupidity is low, but these f*cking new Klondike bar commercials really frost my frozen cookies. The concept is “Five Seconds To Glory”…endure five seconds of something truly painful and you will be rewarded with a Klondike bar and some Kelly Bundy-looking chicks who will wriggle with glee at your achievement, you brave, clever man, you. Let’s see, what disgusting, loathsome, horrid trial will these gents suffer for a Klondike bar? First up, HOLDING HANDS WITH ANOTHER MAN. EW, GROSS! NASTY! ICKY! BLECH.
Okay, cool, now that we’ve insulted gay men, who can we piss off next? Well, this greasy-faced fella has to ACTUALLY LISTEN TO HIS WIFE FOR FIVE SECONDS. NOOOOO! SHE’S TALKING ABOUT PAINT COLORS! THE HUMANITY!
I have an idea for the next in their series. How about that pretty red-headed wife character has to endure five seconds of her loathsome husband making the sex on her. After which, she can sort of shove him off and have a sexy dance party with some scantily clad men while eating ice cream. Come on, tell me that wouldn’t make you want a Klondike bar.
Finally, I just want to take a quick sec to say some nasty things about a very cute child. Have you seen these Toyota Highlander commercials where a cherubic little Zack Morris wannabe calls his parents dorks? I hate this kid. There are, like, five of these commercials and with each spot the desire to slap the angelic little curls off his head grows ever stronger. I hate this kid, I hope his parents put him in a time out forever. I hate him more than that Eddie Haskell Dell kid. And that’s a lot.