Pajiba

I don't think Anna Torv is at all a bad actress.

K-Stew, all the way.

ummm...four words sum up why Keanu gets my mocking: Much Ado About Nothing.

Megaera, I've got tons of words that explain why Keanu gets my mocking: much ado about nothing bram stoker's dracula dangerous liaisons.

Keanu will pretty much fail if placed anywhere outside of San Dimas.

Scar Jo* definitely gets my vote. The entire point of her role in Iron Man 2 was to flirt with RDJ, and she couldn't even pull that off. How can you mess that up?!? The man is pure sex.

*I'm not being cute here, I'm just too lazy to type her full name.

Good example-- is Keanu really any worse than Kate Hudson? Or Julia Roberts during her 'not trying, easy paycheck' performances? Again, not saying Reeves is the equal to Roberts, but let's spread around the mockery and disdain.

I think Scar Jo is the right choice.

As for Keanu having been involved in some great films (The Matrix, Dangerous Liasons), those films are great inspite of Keanu's performances, not because of them.

I think Deistbrawler is right on the money with Dushku.

I didn't hate Kristen Stewart in Adventureland. If Twilight didn't happen, couldn't we just say she's totally mediocre?
Also, Scarlett Johansson's boobs are much too perfect for me to care at all how she acts.

I second DeistBrawler on Eliza Dushka.

I think Keanu has a ton of charisma. It's muted, but it's there. His woodenness is part of his charm. Honestly, it's rare that I don't enjoy a Keanu performance. Even if it's unintentional comedy, it always makes me happy to watch him.

With that in mind, of the ladies listed above, the one that comes closest to replicating my feelings for Keanu is Stana Katic. I find little not to like about Stana.

Out of these chicks, I'd say ScarJo wins. The woman puts me to sleep, and not even the great boobs will distract me.

But I think you missed Jessica Biel, who just doesn't seem to have a lot of expressions at all.

mmmmmmm to debate Diest (because why the hell not?):

The Keanu comparison must be based on a number of factors, of which we must include:

a) Film History--with Keanu breaking in with fare as diverse as Bill and Ted and My Own Private Idaho, he did actually show promise at some point

b) Likeability outside the movies--it's a well known fact that Keanu is actually a really good guy, so we've got to find something who sucks, but you wouldn't want to get in their face and go full on die-so-the-universe's-average-talent-per-person-quotient-increases.

c) Stardom Factor--Keanu has picked up meaty roles, from The Matrix to Constantine. Whether or not you liked them, they were big budget and recognizable films.

So by these factors, we can eliminate ElizaSha CuthShku, because neither of them freaking matter. You can point out middling success in movies like The Girl Next Door and True Lies (the Dushku didn't actually matter in this one), but none of that compares to Keanu's track record. And don't bring up 24, Cuthbert is more famous for being the NHL's league bicycle.

By the "visibility in Hollywood" standard, we can also eliminate 3 of the 5 actresses up there as well. As for Kristin Stewart, she's famous for sucking face with closeted boys and being BiteyLips McPoutyfaceBrushbackhair. She's A-List with teenagers and people who never grew up, but is more of a shitty actress than a wooden one.

So the answer must be ScarJo. She got her start in roles that many considered "promising" such as Woody Allen films and Lost in Translation. She's got some action cred under her belt with The Island and Downey Chews Scene Like a Fat Kid in a Bakery 2.

She's also considered a likeable person and is prominent in higher circles of Hollywood than Stewart.

But, she's been exposed as a rather "woody" actress. She's has an incredibly un-sexy deep voice (I like smokey, not whiskey-aged-mountain-man) that only reinforces the fact that she maintains the same blank, vacuous stare as our resident Mr. Anderson.

Similarly, Stana Katic...I'm beginning to doubt my understanding of wooden ;-)

You know what? That is a good point. What do we mean by "wooden"?

I am not a big fan of theatrics and dramatics in general, so seeing someone weeping with enough tears isn't that big on my must-see list. And like it has been said, it depends on the role. If the character isn't supposed to be super-emotive, why knock the actor for it?

Scarlett Johansson FTW. She's like Ben Stein with tits.

"Wooden" to me is another way of saying that the actor in question has no life behind his/her eyes on screen. Some actors manage quiet, understated moments beautifully because they maintain the "life" and drive beneath those moments - you can see the inner-workings in their eyes (RDJ is a great example of this: he can be explosive, but he can also portray a quiet fire that just burns beneath the surface. It's why we think he embodies sex).

"Wooden" actors try really hard to replicate this, but don't actually understand the inner life of a character or how it motivates action or behavior, so they just end up looking listless in quiet moments (see: Keanu's Don John, ScarJo's anything at all). /Today's Acting Lesson. See, my BFA was good for something!

Tammy, don't try to help them. They know what wooden is, they're just being contrary. I'm sorry, but how you can argue that having the same facial expression for 2 hours is alright because the character called for it? Acting is a hell of a lot more than blocking and memorizing. Old Mushmouth, and those like her, yes, they showed promise at first. But the School of Lazy Acting took over and all life fled their performances. I'm starting to get very tired of all this terrible acting. There's just so much of it, and no one seems to want to do anything about it.

Let's take the example of Jennifer Garner. Now, I loved Alias. Loved it. But for 75% of the show's run, she may as well have been a cigar store Indian. But they hired her for a look first, and her acting ability second, relying of veterans like Victor Garber to carry the weight of most of the actressin'.

What this comes down to is Hollywood tries to slip them past us, hide them behind people we like, or at least people we know are good, whether we like them or not. It's not fair really, because pretty soon all we're going to have is what amounts to a forest of boobs and abs and not much else.

Wooden. They're fucking wooden. For those of you too simple to get my point, they cannot fucking act and they should not be working outside of a Burger King commercial. Sure, they luck into roles where their woodenness is not as noticeable, but it doesn't change the fact that we're not getting what we're paying for.

Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining, you petrified lumps of mental driftwood.

I've written before that I just can't hate on Keanu. A. He's better-looking than any of these actresses, and they are all very attractive B. Aside from Dogstar, he's never been involved in any truly ridiculous in his personal life C. He was central to a very successful comedy, something I don't think even one of these actresses could do. I could go on.

I also just don't think ScarJo is intelligent. I think she's like Sharon Stone: all form and no substance. I read in an interview that she didn't read "Girl With a Pearl Earring" before playing the role b/c she didn't want any preconceptions about the role. Bitch, please!

Now why isn't Scarlett on this list?? That luscious tranny has been seducing hetero man for far too long. With bad acting no less.

Michelle Ryan's lazy eye doesn't help her cause whatsoever.

To the parents of Stana: Did you really find it necessary to scramble the letters of 'satan' in order to name your child?

I think if anything, Keanu is typecast as wooden (perhaps for previous wooden performances).

Anyone see him in The Gift? I thought he was pretty solid in that.

You take that back, you sonofabitch- Anna Torv rules. Also, Keanu was really good in Constantine. Not so much in Little Buddha.

I don't know how this is even a question.

Kate Beckinsale.

Game, set, match.

@MelBivDevoe

Your comment was ages (~2 hours) but I just have to say: Too lazy to type her whole name yet you write a whole sidenote sentence that's maybe 2.5 times the length of the rest of her name. Weird.

I like Keanu, so go ahead and dub my precious Scarlett the female Keanu if you must.

Favorite underrated Keanue movie: Tune In Tomorrow.

Gotta agree with the general consensus here: I quite like Keanu and his movies. He's actually pretty good at picking roles (Note: He chose NOT to be in Speed 2: Cruise Control) and he's been pretty good in the better movies he's been in(both Bill and Ted's, The Gift, The Matrix, My Own Private Idaho, Constantine, even The Replacements). So, while he's no RDJ or anything, he's certainly no Kristen Stewart or Scar Jo (I'm also lazy).

And, TK definitely wins. Kate Beckinsale is the perfect female Keanu analogue. Hell, they were both even in Much Ado About Nothing!

But, see, DB, those three movies are very akin to Keanu's indie film work in the past. TK is absolutely right.

Jennifer Garner? The heck? If anything, she's a ham, not wooden.

My vote is ScarJo. She also fits the "offbeat pretty" that Keanu has going.

I think Keanu is the human equivalent for the old addage "you catch more flies with honey than vinegar" - look how many of us are defending him and saying how much we like him (myself included!) despite his abysmal track record in movies. What I mean to say is that we seem to root for him, and continue to see his movies, even though we know he's a bad actor - simply because he seems to be such a nice person in the "real world".

The opposite would be Gwyneth Paltrow. Ol' Goopy is the vinegar - she is quite competent in many roles, even won an oscar (whether or not you thought she deserved it is another matter) yet she seems to be at the very least snotty, at the most downright horrible in "real" life. Consequently we do not defend her in the comments, we deride her. And we don't really go see her movies either. (Sans Iron Man, which the big draw is obviously RDJ not her)

*back story

Seriously? Scar Jo over Kristen Stewart? Bitches, please. K Stew must have come out of the womb with that one expression on her face. Into the Wild, In The Land of Women, The Messengers, even Panic Room, she is the same damn character with the exact same facial "expressions" (by which of course I mean BiteyLips McPoutyface). She did the same thing in Adventureland but with a whole lot less talking and/or emoting so I think it worked for her there, but it doesn't make her less wooden. I don't think this should even be a contest. K Stew FTW!

Beckinsale!!
Totally

She's curvy and for some reason considered pretty (SERIOUSLY?! LOOK AT HER FACE!)

Yes because nice juicy lips that look like the could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch in one go can NEVER be appealing to certain members of the population.

I would have to go with TK on Beckinsale as well. The similar taste in roles and franchises, the tendency towards flat delivery, the ability to surprise in more indie faire, and my desire to still see them in film despite all that (although Kate is far more explicable).

They both can pull off leather and black trenchcoats fairly well, too.

Beckinsale was great in Cold Comfort Farm!

From 15 years ago.

Oh no you didn't! But you did...so fuck you, Rowles. How dare you besmirch my beloved Agent Dunham and Detective Bennett? Shame on you!

I second Kate Beckinsale, but if we must absolutely choose from your (shitty) list, then ScarJo. They need to find her a Neo role. Somehow she worked as Black Widow in IM2. Maybe that's it. Give her character more to do next time.

I've only seen Torv in Fringe. It's hard for me to assess someone's acting ability if i can't compare how s/he handles one role from another. Perhaps she has range and just plays her fringe character as tense and traumatized into the middle distance.

Twibag shouldn't be in this list because she doesn't actually qualify in the attractive department. dunno who the last candidate is.

that leaves scarlett. eye candy for a movie really doesn't get any better than her. I am guilty of watching several movies for no other reason than that she was in them--which by the way has turned out to be a poor method of choosing films. pretty just isnt enough.

i'm gonna add a keannu defend here. the listed qualifications include 'lack of charisma'. keannu doesn't have many notes, but charisma, he has lots of, he has been carrying screens all by himself for a long time now, you do that with charisma. its probably a more important quality for stars than ability to act. keannu is kind of like our eras gary cooper. tall, skinny, vaguely haunted, not much range, decent comedy timing. and lots of ineffable charisma to hold the screen.

@arrrghzi: I'm a complicated gal. ;p

You're all wrong!!!

It's been scientifically proven in study after study that Denise Richards is Female Keanu. Granted she's not around much any more, but is that really a bad thing!?

Nah, Denise Richards is just a horrible actress, but she does have several (horrible expressions).

And hey, I think we ALL love Keanu but you can't tell me that the dude has a very expressive face. He excels in roles where he doesn't have to show a lot, just DO a lot. Like The Matrix or whatever.

ScarJo, on the other hand, just looks dead-eyed all the time. She has no expression in her face, and she makes movies where she has to. She's pretty in a completely vacant, bored way. I just think she looks bored all the time and is never engaging.

I vote Eliza Dushku.
She made a Joss Whedon show suck.
That makes her the worst in my books.

As far as Anna Torv goes, I think it's more that her character is dull, and less that she's a bad actress. Although I stopped watching Fringe early on, and I'm really basing this on the fact that she's got such a cheery personality in real life.

now now, scarjo gets her roles cuz she looks doe eyed, not dead eyed. one note is one note, but some notes are more equal than others.

Michelle Ryan has a wonky eye, thus not fitting into category 3, attractive.