By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Seriously Random Lists | Comments (68)
Each Time You Like, Share, Tweet or Stumble a Pajiba Post, An Angel Does the Paul Rudd Dance
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Posted by: TheCoryJihad at November 15, 2011 4:09 PM
At least a couple of those were compliments.
Posted by: superasente at November 15, 2011 4:11 PM
I love this site.
Posted by: KatSings at November 15, 2011 4:15 PM
This should be a regular feature. I want ALL PAJIBA QUOTES on ALL MOVIE POSTERS. ALL OF THE TIME!
Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at November 15, 2011 4:17 PM
TK should be quoted on every movie poster. Forever. Why isn't he the one reviewing the Twilight movies? I love Dustin's ire, but a TK enraged or in pain is simply magnificent.
Posted by: Joker at November 15, 2011 4:18 PM
"He's a pair of abs attached to an inbred two by four" is one of the best things I have EVER read. Every single time, it cracks me the hell up.
GENIUS. All of this. Butthole genius!
Posted by: figgy at November 15, 2011 4:23 PM
Completely brilliant. And I love this site too!
And also, I love Dustin. And TK. Thank you for this; it made my day.
Posted by: Lemon Poundcake at November 15, 2011 4:31 PM
See, but movie poster quotes need exclamation points. Lots of them. That's why you guys don't get quoted.
Posted by: Todd at November 15, 2011 4:33 PM
I am laughing SO HARD.
Posted by: Julie at November 15, 2011 4:34 PM
"Taylor Lautner is .... CHARMING... and VERSATILE..."
Dustin Rowles, Pajiba.com
Posted by: Greedy at November 15, 2011 4:36 PM
Unfortunately, there is no way to put ::TK drinks scotch, slams head on desk:: on a movie poster.
Buttholes.
Posted by: Tracer Bullet at November 15, 2011 4:42 PM
Someone needs to print the Sucker Punch one and get Snyder to sign it.
Posted by: Paultera at November 15, 2011 4:44 PM
I love you guys.
Posted by: beckster at November 15, 2011 4:47 PM
POINT! Greedy. Excellent work, indeed with that one.
"More, please. More TK please." What if Malin Ackerman sends him that one DVD.
Posted by: lubeg at November 15, 2011 4:48 PM
This is why I will love this site, forever and always.
Posted by: Kolby at November 15, 2011 4:51 PM
Nice.
Posted by: John W at November 15, 2011 4:52 PM
@Joker: There's only so much any human being's brain can take. Even if it's TK's. I'd fear for his sanity, such as it is.
Posted by: FabMax at November 15, 2011 4:52 PM
My heart grew three sizes that day...
Posted by: Odnon at November 15, 2011 4:52 PM
I really liked "it careens off a cliff with it's dick out..."
Holy moly.
Posted by: daria at November 15, 2011 4:52 PM
@Greedy
Ooooh! Fun game. Let me try another one.
"It's...profound...and...Buddhist."
--Dustin Rowles, pajiba.com
"Zach Snyder is...breathtakingly [ ]competent. The story is...inspired...feminism."
--TK, pajiba.com
"Thank fucking God for...Balls of Fury."
--Dustin Rowles, pajiba.com
Posted by: Donut Plains at November 15, 2011 5:02 PM
You buttholes effing ROCK! Now I've got to go lie down so I can recover from laughing-so-hard oxygen deprivation.
Posted by: NateS1973 at November 15, 2011 5:03 PM
@FabMax: I just want to see what happens! Surely he will destroy worlds and feast on puppies while savaging Brett Ratner with the cannon on the MurderTank.
Posted by: Joker at November 15, 2011 5:05 PM
Why post this? It's more pointing out your reviewers constant exaggeration and the similarity of everything you write, which is all way too pleased with its own supposed cleverness.
Posted by: Me at November 15, 2011 5:06 PM
I want all of these on Tshirts so strangers will smile at me gaily from afar in mistaken comradeship only to realize as they draw nigh that I Am Not A Fan.
Posted by: cinekat at November 15, 2011 5:14 PM
I am pleased with your cleverness. Very pleased indeed. Carry on.
Posted by: Irina at November 15, 2011 5:14 PM
Too many gems to count. Also:
"It just dawned on me that I’m watching a movie starring Mario Lopez. This job is worse than being trapped in a mine filled with lampreys." - ABC Family Presents: Holidays In Handcuffs - TK
"God, I miss Chris Farley." - Paul Blart: Mall Cop - Dustin Rowles
Posted by: Jast at November 15, 2011 5:20 PM
Why post this? It's more pointing out your reviewers constant exaggeration and the similarity of everything you write, which is all way too pleased with its own supposed cleverness.
Why post *that*? It's just pointing out that you're hanging out in and commenting on a site that you don't even like. You're way too pleased with being a contrarian.
Posted by: Paultera at November 15, 2011 5:23 PM
I just pissed myself reading this. It was warm for a second.
Posted by: The Pink Hulk at November 15, 2011 5:54 PM
Is it Christmas already?
Posted by: Mrs. Julien at November 15, 2011 5:56 PM
This is the best SRL in history.
Posted by: E the B at November 15, 2011 6:18 PM
Until the day I die, I will forever point to TK's review of Footloose as the greatest review of all time.
Posted by: the EPA at November 15, 2011 6:19 PM
Why post this? It's more pointing out your reviewers constant exaggeration and the similarity of everything you write, which is all way too pleased with its own supposed cleverness.
I thought that comment was brilliant.
Why post *that*? It's just pointing out that you're hanging out in and commenting on a site that you don't even like. You're way too pleased with being a contrarian.
I also thought that comment was brilliant.
To sum up, I actually thing blood-clots are quite versatile.
Posted by: Pfft at November 15, 2011 6:22 PM
I do. I actually thing that.
Posted by: Pfft at November 15, 2011 6:26 PM
LOVE this list, and love this site.
You left off the best part about the Sucker Punch review though. I've repeated the "throw a baby into the sun" line in mixed company. Didn't go over so well, but classic nonetheless.
Posted by: Mel C. at November 15, 2011 6:31 PM
We all thing that. You're just the only one brave enough to say it.
Posted by: Mrs. Julien at November 15, 2011 6:35 PM
Can I get these printed out to frame on my walls? I have one question though, HOW IN THE HELL COULD YOU NOT DO ONE FOR CAPTIVITY?!
Posted by: DangadaDang at November 15, 2011 6:37 PM
I was reminded that I should go back and reread the Eat Pray Love review, and I laughed just as hard. Thank you for this. It's brilliant.
Posted by: Nora Borealis at November 15, 2011 6:40 PM
Sometimes I wish Pajiba would be featured on Rottentomatoes.com. These snippets would do great as review shorts.
Posted by: FabMax at November 15, 2011 7:02 PM
I love TK. I really, really do.
This SRL reminds me why I keep coming back here day after day though. Dustin, you truly are a witty, silly, passionate reviewer and reading your work makes me as happy as watching Donald Glover deliver one-liners on Community. Is there any way that we could get Donald Glover to read some of your reviews aloud? Shirtless.
Anyway, on your birthday I just wanted to let you know that whatever *it* is, you got *it* man.
(And no, you jerks, *it* isn't ab envy. Way to ruin a lovely moment. This is why we can't have nice emotional exchanges.)
Posted by: becks at November 15, 2011 7:29 PM
And now a coffee table book is needed with all the reviews of the site.
Posted by: MissRos at November 15, 2011 7:32 PM
Why post this? It's more pointing out your reviewers constant exaggeration and the similarity of everything you write, which is all way too pleased with its own supposed cleverness.
Oh shit, fellas. Armond White has FOUND US.
Posted by: WhiskeyClown at November 15, 2011 8:00 PM
I have a new post to point people to when trying to explain what a Pajiba is.
Posted by: The_wakeful at November 15, 2011 8:13 PM
Until the day I die, I will forever point to TK's review of Footloose as the greatest review of all time.
Posted by: the EPA at November 15, 2011 6:19 PM
It's a nostalgia trip, but I'll put forward Boozehound's evisceration of Girls Gone Wild for that particular gong. To this day it makes me laugh and cry in equal measure
http://www.pajiba.com/guides/girls-gone-wild-wildest-college-coeds-.php
"I like to get my schwerve on as much as any other guy in possession of a hand and a dick and a carrot and some twine, but GGW is the suspiciously damp cotton candy of porn: queasy fluff that leaves you nauseous and unsatisfied. It’s the worst of both worlds: There’s no real sex, but you sure wouldn’t want your mom, wife, or girlfriend to find it in your sock drawer."
There's a poster quote I want to see
Posted by: Dave Shepherd at November 15, 2011 8:15 PM
@Paultera: I didn't say I don't like this site. I do, just think most of the reviews are way over the top, and other stuff that I already said.
Posted by: Me at November 15, 2011 8:27 PM
I accidentally all the thing.
Posted by: twig at November 15, 2011 9:46 PM
What about the great ones... I'd take a poster of Zombieland this tag-line
Zombie wood, people. Spend 90 minutes in Zombieland, and you will walk out with an all-out pound-a-stranger up against a hospital wall zombie erection. And you will ride that wood until there’s hair in your teeth, blood on the wall, and it’s time to consult a doctor because your four hours are over, motherfucker, and you’re still sporting a full-on zombie chubby.
Posted by: El L Cool J at November 15, 2011 9:47 PM
You forget John Tucker Must Die, Rowles.
Posted by: SB at November 15, 2011 9:57 PM
What's wrong with Balls of Fury?
Posted by: icravefreshbrains at November 16, 2011 12:10 AM
Is this post meant to highlight how clever you are at being bitchy? Pass. You shat on American Haunting so you can suck it.
Posted by: Seth at November 16, 2011 1:03 AM
I would definitely buy that coffee table book. I don't typically play favorites, but TK warms my heart in a special way no one else has been able to.
Posted by: Ssarah at November 16, 2011 1:23 AM
I hate that TK is already married.
Posted by: general rhubarb at November 16, 2011 1:45 AM
Yeah, I liked Balls of Fury too. Wasn't great, but it was at least watchable. Hangover II was okay as well.
Posted by: Muteki at November 16, 2011 3:59 AM
And this is why I keep coming to this site. Keep up the good work.
Posted by: Mr X at November 16, 2011 5:06 AM
Love how Julia Roberts is looking at the quote so adoringly...
Posted by: mswas at November 16, 2011 5:40 AM
This is why I love this site:
"Not to be outdone, however, in a subsequent scene, another man — buttocks painted green — pinned his own knees behind his ears and launched his own juicy excrement nearly two feet into the air to simulate the explosion of a volcano; the contents of this man’s intestines rained upon a miniature table meant to represent a field of rolling pastures. It was a beautiful sight to behold, as I felt the future of our culture wash over me."
Floors me everytime I reads that review. Too bad it would make a crap movie poster quote.
Posted by: James at November 16, 2011 5:44 AM
I think the Footloose and Balls of Fury posters will keep me smiling (if not laughing) all day today. I really need a laugh, too. Thanks!
Posted by: The Wanderer at November 16, 2011 6:31 AM
YAY!
Posted by: Littlejon2001 at November 16, 2011 11:16 AM
One of the best pieces on here for a long while! Congrats.
Posted by: supafly at November 16, 2011 11:33 AM
Hmmmm, that is some delicious bitchery.
Posted by: Haystacks at November 16, 2011 12:28 PM
Epic. Fucking epic.
Congratulations, you just got a new regular reader.
Posted by: JohnMWoody at November 16, 2011 3:13 PM
Listen. You have to watch Balls of Fury on cable and marble at Christopher Walken and the fact that he'll take just about any role offered to him. That alone makes it entertaining.
I often wonder why great actors (Oscar winners and nominees) who got tons of accolades a decade or so ago take these awful roles. I was in between a coma today when When in Rome came on and everytime Anjelica Huston came on screen, I woke up. She ate up those scenes in that awful movie and I was marvelled by it. Why do they take those roles? It's a whole list of them that keep selling out. It's so sad.
Posted by: Candy at November 17, 2011 12:42 AM
I laughed so hard I gave myself hiccups. They're goddamn irritating but totally worth it. Now to reread every one of those reviews...
Posted by: DeadBessie at November 21, 2011 8:10 PM
Someone I work with visits your site frequently and recommended it to me to read as well. The writing style is excellent and the content is interesting. Thanks for the insight you provide the readers!
Posted by: Lee Tatel at November 22, 2011 4:13 AM
These were all pretty funny except for the Twilight one. Granted, her husband probably DOES wear Mormon undergarments, but what does that have to do with anything? It just seemed like a case of lazy offensiveness, like "We know you guys wear special underwear, and we think that's weird. So there". I mean, Being a Mormon doesn't make her a bad writer. Ask Orson Scott Card. Being a MORON makes her a bad writer. I think people just keep sticking an extra "M" in there by mistake.
No matter how popular it gets, religious bigotry is still bigotry. Remember that before you start snidely talking about things that seem silly to you but are sacred to others.
Posted by: Charlie at November 24, 2011 8:55 PM
Thanks a lot, you dangling gobs of rancid pecker-snot .... it's been over 30 minutes since I read this article, and I STILL have the hiccups from trying to suppress my laughter at work ..... assholes.
(PSSST ......Keep up the outstanding work)
Posted by: handy_man at December 1, 2011 1:27 PM
@ Charlie
Just because it is sacred to someone else does not make it off limits for ridicule. Some things are inherently offensive, and should therefore be pointed out as such.
Saying someone suffers from "a case of lazy offensiveness" is, in itself, lazy and offensive.
Twilight is offensive .... so are many of the tenets of Mormonism (or any religion, for that matter). Pointing out that an offensive movie was written by a member of an offensive religious group - and being offensive in the pointing out - is simply a catchy writing style. Personally, I found it effective, funny and well thought out.
So bite me.
Posted by: handy_man at December 1, 2011 1:32 PM
I have'nt had a good laugh like this since that miserable fuck Nixon died...
Posted by: Kenneth Gregory Prud'homme at December 15, 2011 4:12 PM
Fuck you and your high and mighty ass. Most of these movies were good and you just seem to think promoting your shitty ass website no one has heard of by bashing movies will get you popular. I hope everyone on your staff fucks themselves with a cactus.
Posted by: Jun at January 7, 2012 7:22 PM
None of those compare to what was said for Balls Of Fury. I still read that review whenever I'm having a shitty day and manage to laugh my ass off.