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The 12 Crappiest Movies of Billy Bob Thornton’s Career

By Agent Bedhead | Posted Under Seriously Random Lists | Comments (54)



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As an actor, Billy Bob Thornton has loads of talent and is best viewed in either Oscar bait (Slingblade) or subversive, perverted comedy (Bad Santa). Otherwise, his attempts as a mainstream leading leading man have met with very limited success. While I will not deny that his scruffy, backwoods appeal has won over many fans like myself over the years, Billy Bob’s made very few “good” movies as opposed to a list of his “crappy” ones. Also, it is amazing how many of the movies that made this list come from the 2005-2010 years. Bad decade? You be the judge.

As a side note, this list only includes movies in which Billy Bob has appeared as an actor, so we’re ignoring All the Pretty Horses, even though it was indeed a pretty crappy adaptation. Ditto for The Gift, where he functioned only in a screenwriting capacity. Let’s do this:

Armageddon: Yes, this is the quintessential Michael Bay movie for the masses. Nothing good can ever come of that.

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Bad News Bears: The perfect example of why remakes should rarely be allowed to happen.

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The Astronaut Farmer: No really, this movie exists. Don’t worry — I won’t spoil it for you.

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Mr. Woodcock: When the film’s entire concept is revealed in a perverted title, a feature length version is just not necessary.

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Pushing Tin: Thus began the relationship with Angelina Jolie, which wouldn’t have been believable in this movie if it hadn’t also happened in real life. Poor John Cusack and Cate Blanchett.

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On Deadly Ground: Believe it or not, I watched this in the theater. It was second only to Van Helsing in terms of an awful moviegoing experience.

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The Ice Harvest: You’d think that Cusack would’ve learned his lesson by now. He almost looks ashamed to be included, doesn’t he?

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Levity: You know what I love about this poster? How Morgan Freeman and Kirsten Dunst already know the drill.

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Waking Up in Reno: Proof that Billy Bob should never do romantic comedy.

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Eagle Eye: Yet another craptastic Shia LeBeouf movie. No, no no!

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Faster: Dwayne Johnson played “The Bad” against Thornton’s “The Ugly” in this ridiculous throwback movie. While “The Good” was technically also portrayed by a character, it certainly wasn’t a part of this story.

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School for Scoundrels: Hey, remember when Jon Heder was the next big thing? Me neither.

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And a little unexpected bonus number for you…

Bandits: Hey, isn’t there a porn series called Ass Bandits? I think I’d like those better.

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Agent Bedhead lives in Tulsa, Oklahoma. She and her little black heart can be found at Celebitchy.









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Comments

I actually kinda liked Pushing Tin and Bandits. I mean, they weren't stellar, but there are worse ways to spend a Saturday evening.

Posted by: Samantha at October 26, 2011 2:08 PM

Why does Billy Bob look like Ray Wise with collagen lip injections in that School for Scoundrels poster?

Posted by: antoinette jeanine at October 26, 2011 2:11 PM

The Ice Harvest? What the fuck? That's a great little movie.

Posted by: FabMax at October 26, 2011 2:15 PM

Oh Cate! You got billybobbed twice? And here I thought you were one of the smarter ones...

Posted by: cinekat at October 26, 2011 2:15 PM

In the poster for School for Scoundrels he kind of looks like Eric Roberts.

Posted by: Nadine at October 26, 2011 2:17 PM

I recall enjoying The Ice Harvest, but I do like noir. I agree with Samantha that Bandits was not too bad - although the two really good scenes are Blanchette's (no surprise).

Posted by: Judith at October 26, 2011 2:17 PM

Getting Billybobbed sounds worse than getting T-bagged by a homeless man with scrotal rot and the herp. Who also owns a large collection of Heigl DVDs.

Posted by: Nadine at October 26, 2011 2:21 PM

I wonder if The Astronaut Farmer poster was the inspiration for Robocop on a Unicorn? If so, at least one good thing came out of that shitpile.

Posted by: Groundloop at October 26, 2011 2:22 PM

Wow, that "Waking Up in Reno" poster is an example of some truly horrible Photoshop work.

Waiting for someone to bring up "Love Actually" in 3... 2... 1...

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at October 26, 2011 2:23 PM

Um, I really like about half those movies. And Bandits was kinda awesome. Mostly because of Cate Blanchett.

I mean, when you make these lists, have you actually SEEN more than half of these movies? Or are you just judging them by the posters?

Posted by: MM at October 26, 2011 2:25 PM

I like them fried taters mmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Posted by: , at October 26, 2011 2:28 PM

I love Bandits! It's a fun lil number that most people don't know exists. Also, I recall Ice Harvest being pretty likable too.
To the tomatometer!

Posted by: gee. ay. at October 26, 2011 2:28 PM

“Bad Santa” was this guy’s “Godfather II,” whatever this guy had going for him he lost it when he did an interview and broke the interviewer’s balls all because the guy asked Thornton about acting. But of course Thornton just wanted to talk about his insufferable hillbilly jug band. See Thornton thought that he was being interviewed because his shitty ass band was important and deserved to be listened to. But the interviewer thought otherwise and started asking Thornton about his movie career, then Thornton blew a gasket and refused to continue the interview. Somebody should have told Thornton that the only reason anybody gave a fuck about his shitty music was because at one point he made some very funny movies and people only put with his shit is because of that. I refuse to even say the name of his shitty ass hillbilly jug band. This fucking guy, I wished he caught some terrible disease from drinking that vile of blood that asshole used to wear around his neck.

Posted by: Pookie at October 26, 2011 2:33 PM

I take exception to Pushing Tin, Ice Harvest, and Bandits. I genuinely liked all those movies.

Posted by: tamatha at October 26, 2011 2:35 PM

The Ice Harvest has no business being on this list and I think you know it. It's called nerd bait and it pretty much makes me want to unsubscribe.

Posted by: Jacob at October 26, 2011 2:39 PM

As cheese-tastic as it was, I have a soft spot for Armageddon because I lost my virginity to "Don't Want to Miss A Thing" when it came out.

Don't judge, I was sixteen and thought it was romantic as hell.

Posted by: scorzi at October 26, 2011 2:49 PM

"I have a soft spot for Armageddon because I lost my virginity to "Don't Want to Miss A Thing"

/I see what you did there

Armageddon is a near-perfect big-budget action flick. There is a reason it is part of the Criterion collection.

Posted by: jon29 at October 26, 2011 2:59 PM

I like Bandits. I mean it isn't a GREAT movie...but its fun and entertaining.

Posted by: Littlejon2001 at October 26, 2011 3:02 PM

jon29:

What did I do there? I certainly wasn't comparing awkward teen sex to an asteroid hitting earth. If anyone cares, it was very respectful, we used a red condom, it felt like the first time I tried to use a tampon (i.e. not comfortable) and I started laughing halfway through because I couldn't believe I was "doing it." He told me to be quiet because he needed to concentrate.

Thankfully, coitus has much improved and today I am the insatiable nympho you see before you. But every time I hear "Don't Want to Miss A Thing" I remember going home and writing in my journal: "Tonight I had sex. I am a woman!"

Posted by: scorzi at October 26, 2011 3:03 PM

scorzi:

Ahem.

"I have a *soft spot* for for Armageddon because I lost my virginity to 'Don't Want to Miss A Thing'"

Work with me here, dahling.

Posted by: jon29 at October 26, 2011 3:08 PM

What an amazing list of crap!

Posted by: [A] at October 26, 2011 3:17 PM

Is there a working actor in Hollywood who has ONLY appeared in good films? I know I can't think of one. I can think of loads of 'em who have only appeared in bad ones, but not the other way around.

Also, Pookie; you should check out the 'Classic Albums: Frank Zappa: Over-Nite Sensation/Apostrophe(')' DVD for even weirder Billy Bob nonsense, in this case as self-appointed arbiter of musical taste and cultural reviewer extraordinaire. Who invited this guy, anyway? He really should only be alllowed to speak when the Coen Bros. are writing his dialogue.

Posted by: greg at October 26, 2011 3:19 PM

jon29:

(red faced)

I see what you did there :-)

Posted by: scorzi at October 26, 2011 3:25 PM

the majority of these films were either very good, or competent and entertaining. if these are his crappiest movies, then he's been doing all right.

some of these lists really make me wonder exactly what Pajiba means by random. randomly generated?

also, you'd be surprised how absorbing the astronaut farmer was, even if the premise was a bit farfetched.

Posted by: idleprimate at October 26, 2011 3:32 PM

"also, you'd be surprised how absorbing the astronaut farmer was, even if the premise was a bit farfetched."

You know, idleprimate is right. He's right about it all.

Also, I can't be the only one hoping someday to see the fabled director's cut of "All the Pretty Horses," right? Hope springs eternal, bitches.

Posted by: Rob at October 26, 2011 3:43 PM

Sodd it, I remember liking Pushing Tin.

Posted by: Zirze at October 26, 2011 3:44 PM

I, uhm..er...enjoy Armageddon. Phew. There. I said it.

...


STOP JUDGING ME!

Posted by: Scully at October 26, 2011 3:44 PM

Pushing Tin?
More like Pushing Cloth, amiright?

Posted by: Odnon. at October 26, 2011 3:48 PM

Pushing Tin is amazing; I just love it.

Posted by: Sofia at October 26, 2011 3:56 PM

I recall Armageddon like I recall my last case of ... never mind.

My ex-wife insisted on seeing it in the theater, and insisted on seeing it on cable, and insisted on seeing it on video ... Oh, yeah, and she always sang along with that hideous weepy Aerosmith song whenevr it came on the radio.

I should have listed that movie among my reasons for the exorcism - er, divorce.

Posted by: The Wanderer at October 26, 2011 4:13 PM

Yes, Armageddon sucks, but I don't think anyone blames Thornton for that one (hell, his scene where he talks about not being able to go up is one of the few good points of the movie).

Posted by: Joseph Finn at October 26, 2011 4:29 PM

His part is rather small, but when I saw the title for this list, I was ready to complete dismiss it unless it included On Deadly Ground.

I also saw it at the theater. My friends and I laughed at things that were certainly not intended to be funny, and I think we diminished the experience for the other audience members as a result. Thornton's big scene - a completely non sequitur little speech about wanting to kill Seagal in a satisfying manner - is the most ridiculous of all its moments.

Sling Blade is pretty great, though.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at October 26, 2011 4:47 PM

I really don't understand the love that Bad Santa gets. Maybe it's because I loved "Gilmore Girls" and was in no way ready to hear about Lorelei Gilmore getting buttfucked.

Posted by: Craig at October 26, 2011 5:16 PM

Perhaps you detest a hot woman getting good anal, Craig.

Posted by: Pookie at October 26, 2011 5:28 PM

I can blame Cate Blanchett's agent for those two. There's no excuse for Cusack, I'm afraid. I don't know what to think about Holly Hunter anymore.

Posted by: Jerry at October 26, 2011 5:40 PM

"Una pelicula de Ed Solomon."

For some reason, that was the standout part of this post for me.

And add me to the love (well, like) for Bandits.

Posted by: Jelinas at October 26, 2011 6:33 PM

Bandits was awesome.

Ice Harvest was pretty solid.

Armageddon was stupid Billy Bob was the best part of the movie.

I disapprove of this list.

Posted by: THRILLHO at October 26, 2011 6:48 PM

These lists are killing me. My thought process develops as follows: "Wow, those were bad. Or? I think I kinda liked that one. Maybe I was younger and less cynical then? Was I ever that innocent? Ooooh, that one was so bad it was almost good. Hmmm, never saw that one. I should check it out so I know what they're talking about. In fact, why not rewatch all of them?"
Another 10 hours I'll never get back. Again. Damn you Pajiba.

Posted by: cinekat at October 26, 2011 6:51 PM

I liked Pushing Tin. Never saw Ice Harvest.

Armageddon was horrifying. I still like Willis, but I could go for hours (you know I could) pointing out the stupidity.

Posted by: Protoguy at October 26, 2011 9:18 PM

Bandits was not crappy!! Billy Bob was a bit annoying in it but Cate Blanchett was great- it was fun!

I would consider myself a Billy Bob fan but of these I've only seen Bandits which I love, Pushing Tin which I agree was crap and Faster which... mmm the Rock.

Posted by: SAS at October 26, 2011 10:11 PM

Eeesh. I think it might be easier and shorter to make a list titled "The only 5 Good Movies of Billy Bob Thornton's Career", because, well, what else has he done aside from these?

Posted by: figgy at October 26, 2011 10:14 PM

Unlike these silly nitpickers, I'm gonna say this list is totally right and on point -- except for one minor detail. THERE ARE NO CRAPPY SHIA LABEOUF MOVIES! Shia is the sexiest and thus all his movies are good.

I don't care how much you snooty-snoots judge me!

Posted by: Angeleno Ewok at October 26, 2011 11:04 PM

I know it's wrong, but I actually liked Armageddon. Like really liked it, and sadly I'm not lying.

God that sucks to admit!

Posted by: Johnnyboy at October 26, 2011 11:20 PM

Pookie, I remember that interview. All the interview did was introduce BBT and mention that he was also an actor.

Posted by: ArmaAngelus at October 26, 2011 11:42 PM

I actually really, really liked Faster. It had no pretenses and accomplished exactly what it set out to do. The opening five minutes stand out as one of the best openings to an action movie I've seen quite possibly ever.

Posted by: Leaf at October 27, 2011 1:17 AM

buh buh, they were four-wheeling on a shard-crystal asteroid. With a minigun...

Posted by: Protoguy at October 27, 2011 2:17 AM

Do Bruce Willis next...

10 bucks you get a list of over 20 craptastic entries

Posted by: john mcclane at October 27, 2011 5:17 AM

I LOVED Bandits. I own Bandits. I make no apologies.

Posted by: klingonfree at October 27, 2011 9:53 AM

I have no opinion on most of these (except Armageddon, which I think is a perfect guilty pleasure movie -- it's not actually good, but it's too fun not to enjoy) but holy shit the photoshopping on Waking Up in Reno is the worst thing I've ever seen.

Posted by: Artemis at October 27, 2011 9:56 AM

So I love Armageddon! It is so stupid but fun! The best part of the movie is crazy ass Steve Buscemi.

Posted by: jenniferk525 at October 27, 2011 12:17 PM

First of all, 5 years (2005-2010) is NOT a decade. Learn to count.

Also, I can't believe you actually watched Astronaut Farmer and put it on a list of "crappy movies". It was far from crappy, despite the goofy name and the unlikely premise.

Posted by: Squirrel at October 27, 2011 1:15 PM

Pushing Tin was a movie that portrayed air traffic controllers as rock and roll cowboys. I saw it. It was craptacular. Please stop telling people you liked it. It only hurts you.

Posted by: bbmcrae at October 27, 2011 1:52 PM

Eeesh. I think it might be easier and shorter to make a list titled "The only 5 Good Movies of Billy Bob Thornton's Career", because, well, what else has he done aside from these?

Figgy:

Angelina Jolie.

BOOM!

Posted by: scorzi at October 27, 2011 2:35 PM

Count me in as a Pushing Tin fan as well.

Posted by: Kobie at October 27, 2011 8:47 PM