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Oh, Of COURSE I'm Reviewing 'Star Wars XXX: A Porn Parody'

By Rebecca Pahle | Miscellaneous | December 29, 2015 | Comments ()

By Rebecca Pahle | Miscellaneous | December 29, 2015 |


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A few weeks back, enabler and general bad influence Kristy Puchko forwarded me a press release she’d gotten about a little thing called Star Wars XXX. Originally produced in 2012, this Axel-Braun-directed porn parody of A New Hope had seen a 500% uptick in sales in the weeks before the release of The Force Awakens, as reported by adult entertainment retailer GameLink.com. Kristy didn’t say anything else in the e-mail. She didn’t need to. I know my Pajiba #brand, and it’s thinkpieces about feminism and participating in conversations about the sex lives of fictional characters and also dumb posts about food sometimes. There wasn’t even a question. I needed to review this movie.

I’m not going go talk about the quality of the actual sex scenes, because that would be… uncomfortable. Look, I grew up in a family where the attitude was “Do what makes you happy, be safe, but let’s not talk about it EVER.” I’ve gotten over it enough to talk in a public forum about how awful it would be to fuck Snape, but there are limits, people.

Suffice to say: Obi-Wan Kenobi fucks a Tusken Raider. A female Tusken Raider, to clarify. There’s some sort of point to be made here about the role of gender in the original Star Wars trilogy and how the porn parody’s forced to be like, shit, we need more women in this, Leia can’t schtup everyone. In addition to the aforementioned female Tusken Raider, all the Stormtroopers in the Axel Braun Star Wars fuckiverse are women. (Just because you have awful aim doesn’t mean everyone else does. Cover your midriffs.) We also get a deep dive (heh) into the Star Wars extra pool with a sex scene between Brea and Senni Tonnika*, aka the Random Space Ladies in the Mos Eisley Cantina. Those actresses earned my genuine respect, by the way. It must feel ri-di-cu-lous to do a porn scene in those wigs, but they comported themselves with dignity and grace.

(*One of whom is actually Shada D’ukal in disguise. There’s also a Thrawn namecheck in the opening scroll. NERD ALERT.)

Speaking of the Mos Eisley Cantina: There is honest-to-God 27 STRAIGHT MINUTES IN STAR WARS XXX of people boning with the Cantina song playing in the background, on a loop. I was half-afraid of some sort of Pavlovian conditioning. Am I not going to be able to listen to my “Sounds of the Kloo Horn” CD anymore without things getting weird, biologically?

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Two Stormtroopers have sex with Chewbacca. I imagine I could almost hear Kristy, noted Wookiee bigot, shrieking as one of the Stormtroopers had to hold Chewie’s hair back so the camera could get a good angle on the… stuff… that was happening. Oh, and Chewbacca looks like this, for your reference:

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This scene in particular was so odd—SO. SO. SO ODD.—that it almost left the porn genre entirely and become some sort of weird, experimental performance art. That’s the case with a lot of the stuff in Star Wars XXX, actually. Like, no one’s going to watch a Star Wars sex parody without having a sense of humor about it.

The non-sex scenes leaned into the “no, you get that this is weird,” too, with humor in the same vein—though not so highbrow and classy, obviously—as what Mel Brooks did in Spaceballs.

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There are digs at Chewie not getting a medal and Wedge’s “Look at the size of that thing!” line and Han shooting first and the prequels:

Obi-Wan: [Your father] was the best starpilot in the galaxy.
Luke: My uncle said he was a whiny psychotic!
Obi-Wan: …And the best starpilot in the galaxy.

There’s some wink-wink-nudge-nudging about the fact that a good percentage of the main characters are related to Leia in A New Hope (“How about I show you how to kiss somebody that you’re not related to?”). Though no one’s related in this version of the story (…I guess? Please, God?), seeing Leia bone down with Luke and Darth Vader… I will not lie to you. It’s uncomfortable. And C-3PO’s first line is a “women are bad drivers” joke. But C-3PO+anything related to sex = a bad combination all around. We know this. Attitude-wise, this is a very bro-y production, which I guess I should have expected. Except I do not claim to be an expert in porn, people.

More on my level: Hey, someone snuck Tom Servo, B-9 from Lost in Space and a Dalek in there! The actor playing Grand Moff Tarkin has ear gauge holes, which makes me think of some sort of sordid sexual past that Braun might work into Star Wars XXX: A Porn Parody: Special Edition. There’s a subplot involving a Death Star cafeteria worker who keeps calling Darth Vader “Jeff Vader” and accidentally blows up the Death Star. “Jeff Vader” is now my favorite Star Wars character.

All in all… pretty fun, actually. Luke’s a whiny shit and Han has period-authentic awful ’70s hair and there’s an extra with a mohawk that doubles as a widow’s peak. I’d say I’m looking forward to Braun’s Empire parody, but that would involve Yoda and, as established, under no circumstances do I want to go there.

Star Wars XXX: A Porn Parody can be purchased on GameLink.com.


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