Scandal-ranking Gwyneth Paltrow's One-Woman War Against Vanity Fair

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Scandal-ranking Gwyneth Paltrow's One-Woman War Against Vanity Fair

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrities Are Better than You | November 5, 2013 | Comments ()


As you may have heard by now, Gwyneth Paltrow is waging a personal war against Vanity Fair. If you haven’t, here’s the rundown:

  • Vanity Fair wanted to do a feature on Gwyneth, who’s already covered the magazine five times.

  • She refused, emailing friends not only to “no comment” to reporters who approach them about this story, but to never appear in the magazine ever again in the history of life.

  • Rumors run rampant that the reason for this is that they’ve uncovered Goop’s affair with Jeffrey Soffer, some manner of billionaire and the husband of Elle Macpherson (though blind items would suggest perhaps a more Glee-ful affair partner).

  • Vanity Fair is proceeding with their story as planned and, in a serious example of the Streisand Effect, will likely now tell that story with a much darker tone and dig much deeper than they’d planned following her very public protests, with editor Graydon Carter saying “she sort of forced my hand.”

Now, Goop’s gone on a full assault. She is reportedly out to “destroy Vanity Fair.” She’s apparently gotten Clooney to back out of the annual Hollywood issue but has been unsuccessful with Julia Roberts because in a bitch-off, Julia’s going to win every single time, that’s just science. And, now that she’s messing with their cover elite, you know Vanity Fair will not fuck around.

The thing is, if things are getting this ugly, there’s got to be more to it than just an affair. In Hollywood, that’s basically real-life-people’s version of a night having one too many drinks. It’s the most common form of Hollywood standardly bad behavior this side of cocaine. So, they know something she doesn’t want us to. And we’re going to find out. What do you think it is? I bet they have photos of her shopping at *gasp!* Target! *faints dead away*

Needless to say, shit will get uglier and uglier and we will be the ones reaping the benefits.

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Above: Us.

You all know I only like Gwyneth when she’s insufferable, so I love this. I hope it never ends. I hope someone gets slapped. SLAP SOMEONE, GWYNETH! PREFERABLY WHILE WEARING SEQUINS AND SHOULDER PADS!

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • a story about gwyneth paltrow cheating on her husband warrants an "investigation" over at VF? jeez. nobody comes out of this one looking especially good.

  • axis2clusterB

    I'm REALLY enjoying this.

  • BlackRabbit

    Is the scandal that she's gonna be in the new Carl's Jr. burger ad?

  • manting

    Im confused. The biological foods quote makes no sense. Did she mean organic foods? Doesn't she realize that people had tumors 5 thousand years ago? When you could only eat organic or "biological" foods since New Jersey didn't exist yet. (It is in New jersey that most artificial flavors and colors are created that we consume) The quote makes no sense.

  • I'll take a wild guess and say one of the kids isn't Chris Martin's biological kids. In this day and age I personally don't think this should be a big issue, unless the biodad has a problem with it. Plenty of men end up raising kids they think are theirs, but aren't.

  • kirbyjay

    Have you seen those kids? I'm willing to bet they are Chris Martin's and not hers.

  • Gwennie used an egg donor! Now that's juicy!

  • Az

    No one outbitches Julia. NO ONE.


    OMG I hope I'm right.

  • "Biological foods' sounds like she's advocating cannibalism.

  • e jerry powell

    Gwynnie is the fucking QUEEN of the blind item since 1997, back in the Ted Casablanca heyday, and most of that has all shaken out on the side of the media. She's not winning this one either, so she should give up both on the media war and on fucking guys she isn't married to.

    Fuck it, she's not going to stop with the extracurricular hide-the-sausage, so she really needs to work harder on the discretion part.

  • Bodhi

    I am inordinately excited for any dirt they can dig up on Gwyneth. The (GMO, sugar filled) juicer the better

  • e jerry powell

    With a side of Spanish ham, just for Tony Bourdain's sake.

  • St

    Well maybe they will dig out that she was adopted from a poor family of people who live in trailer park or on a farm. So that means she has no royal rich intelligent blood in her and she is just like us, regular people. That would be the most embarrassing thing that Gwineth can probably imagine...

  • TheOriginalMRod

    Probably something carnivorous and stomach stapling...or liposuctioning. Wow... a feud with Vanity Fair? Hmm... well her ex-boyfriend will probably join her since they totally dissed his Zombie movie... well... who didn't...

  • You know, if she was that dedicated, she could move on out to the rural Midwest and raise her own food. No additives, lots of good, hard, physical labor to keep you healthy, an environment where children are encouraged to play outside. Alas, our options for buying lots of pricey crap no one needs are somewhat limited. I'm thinking she couldn't get $1200 shoes at the local Farm & Fleet. Could get a passable lawn tractor, though. That's easily better.

  • logan

    I cant help it the woman just LOOKS like a bitch to me. I know that is unfair and unreasonable but that's what my eyes tell me. Usually I can simply avoid her but she damn near ruined Iron Man for me. Cant someone stop her from being in popular movies?

  • NateMan

    That quote. Dear Gods, that quote... It's aneurysm and ecstasy inducing AT THE SAME TIME.

  • Pants-are-a-must

    They MUST name the article about her "The Creature from the Black LaGoop."

  • llp

    Also, that Jon Lovitz gif is perfection.

  • manting

    I love it. I miss him, he was a funny guy but he's never on anything anymore.

  • stardust

    It's worse than we think, guys. Word has it that Vanity Fair has pictures of her buying cleaning products and lead-laden toys from China in the Dollar Tree.

  • SamuraiShampoo

    She's right about biological foods. My diet of sand and plastic has done nothing to ward off those pesky tumors.

  • Jim

    I live off gin and stale regret. {shrugs} Works for me.

  • VonnegutSlut

    I, myself, prefer microchips & expended cell phone batteries.

    But, hey: GOOP-tay-toe, GOOP-tah-toe.

  • ZbornakSyndrome

    Oh God, please let it be a picture of her spraying Cheese-in-a-Can straight into her mouth while she wears polyester clothes and her children watch non-educational television.

    That or tape of her talking without English affectation.

  • mswas

    While wearing Crocs.

  • Jim

    Icing meet cake.

  • I read that as "icing a meat cake" which is what I am now praying is the exposé.

  • alannaofdoom

    "Icing a meat cake" also works as a remarkably... colorful euphemism.

  • bastich

    Dammit, now I'm hungry AND aroused.

  • Bert_McGurt

    The accepted icing for a meat cake is cheesy mashed potatoes. Just in case anyone needs it for reference.

  • Parsnip

    Maybe the worst thing that have is a picture of her chomping down on a quarter-pounder, with fat juice dribbling down her chin and the look of a crazed animal as she about to take another bite. Yeah, fersure.

  • Let me guess, she did crack with Tom Ford.

  • Sars

    In a drunken stupor no less

  • llp

    I was going to say Rob Ford.

  • AvaLehra

    I was going to say in a Ford.

  • bastich

    Maybe in a fjord?

  • Ben

    She did crack with Rob and Tom Ford while driving a Ford into a Fjord?

  • Pining for the fjords?

  • Judge_Snyder

    "Gwyneth Paltrow" is a direct translation of Norwegian Blue from old Norse.

  • InternetMagpie

    I love Gwyneth Paltrow and will follow her anywhere.

  • Pants-are-a-must

    Good luck with that monthly enema, then.

  • Bert_McGurt

    In this case, you can LITERALLY subscribe to her newsletter!

  • Bert_McGurt

    As yes, the "biological" foods. That should narrow things down. You're so damn WISE, Geniyeth Paltrow!

  • Ian Fay

    In the same vein, enjoy:

  • Ian Fay

    Oh, us NSFW there. The show's call Bullshit, you do the math.

  • ZbornakSyndrome

    I'll be sure to chew on some Mistletoe and Oleander to keep myself healthy! Thanks Gwynie!

  • VonnegutSlut


  • MrsAtaxxia

    I am salivating like a dog next to a plate of bacon. This is gonna be so. good. Mmmmm. Scandal.

  • Jim

    As fate would have it, that's also the photo they have of her: chowing down on ... MICROWAVE Bacon no less.

  • mswas

    I heard it was Cheetos, and they have a photo of her powdery orange face and hands.

  • MrsAtaxxia

    That bring tears to my eyes. Tears of wild happiness but tinged with just a hint of...rage? If there was ever such a thing as happy rage, Goop would be the woman to bring it on.

  • Jim

    It's probably something like this, (Best I could do on short notice) You're welcome.

  • Salieri2

    I never would have thought Gwyneth Paltrow could look so much like Anna Torv. Is it because she's animated?

  • Jim

    Have you ever seen them in the same room at the same time?

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Nononononono. No. Stop that. You don't get to connect the perfectly perfect Anna Torv with that android.

  • Jim

    Maybe she's a bad copy clone that got out in the wild.

  • Salieri2

    Holy SHIT.

  • John W

    I would have thought that Paltrow would have taken a zen approach and just brushed the whole thing off. You know the best revenge is to live a good life kind of thing, which is the philosophy she seems to live by.

  • John G.

    no, her philosophy is "ewwww...get the poors out of my sight" and "why can't the poors hire their own nannies to make pumpkin sculptures too" and "why can't the poors just be rich instead"


    Basically the harder you try to hide something the more attention you draw to it. Also, the act of verifying whether or not your papa can, in fact, hear you.

  • John W

    Thanks. I remember that incident I didn't realize it is now used to describe other incidents.

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