By Alberto Cox Délano | Social Media | September 23, 2021 |
By Alberto Cox Délano | Social Media | September 23, 2021 |
Let’s dive straight in: There is this new… platform? network? streaming site? that is aimed at far-right Zoomers. Or wants to promote GOP values to Zoomers by jumping on whichever new computery fad kids are into now. It’s called Today In America … I’m sorry, Today Is America, because nothing says I love the USA like confusing Subject-Verb-Object arrangements. Apparently, all these people originate organically from conservative Tik-Tok or something, and are in no way being funded by the Koch family nor are they a seeder from which they will find replacements for Tammy Lasaña types, once they turn 35. So what you have here is a collection of acceptable-looking under-25s, with the fashion sense of someone that picked a Town & Country magazine from the late 80s and said: “Yes, that’s class.” Also, so much spray-on tanner that it might be a Freudian slip about cultural appropriation.
But the thing is, that’s not what I am here for. After Will Sommer at The Daily Beast published some screenshots from their upcoming shows, the good side of Twitter came out in force with some A+++ snark material. They only needed four or eight screenshots to come up with a barrage of chef-kisses putdowns and I’m just going to embed them here for your enjoyment:
Gen Z Republicans have their own streaming service now. pic.twitter.com/qYsBsqymFA
— Will Sommer (@willsommer) September 22, 2021
This is just a straight up porno and you can't tell me otherwise pic.twitter.com/aF0ASCDzzO
— 🔪🎃Scare-ah🎃🔪 (@silly_boots) September 22, 2021
"Siri, show me a meth dealer from a futuristic dystopia." pic.twitter.com/7UY5xDACXl
— Morgan is a Jared Polis Democrat (@MorganMMcIntyre) September 22, 2021
It looks like Miami Vice if they only investigated crimes involving cryptocurrency.
— dennings (@dogdennings) September 22, 2021
It’s not a good sign when your content for Zoomers reminds people of Millennial classics such as Dick in a Box and LMFAO:
Remember when these guys did My Dick in a Box pic.twitter.com/1lgV5lt8W0
— Ted (@Ted_in_PA) September 22, 2021
Same energy pic.twitter.com/3gvamokLa0
— Brad Batt for TN State Sanity ✊🏼✊🏽✊🏾 (@bradbatt) September 22, 2021
We have lmfao at home pic.twitter.com/k6U4e5WaTx
— Rob Dobi 👤 𝙾𝚗𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚎 𝙽𝚘𝚠! (@Robdobi) September 22, 2021
All of them? I thought the mavericks guys looked like gay hipsters out on a date.
— J Allen 🏳️🌈 (@The_JJAllen) September 22, 2021
It's Republican Hasan pic.twitter.com/cob8XqzrdP
— fleur (@petitsaboteur) September 22, 2021
For the show called “Firefight”, they clearly went for somebody that would appeal to Middle Four-Generations-In-The-KKK America, but also, his name might’ve overshot the mark:
I refuse to believe Gunnar Thorderson is a real name and not an etity dreamed up by the collective unconsciousness of the right wing. Like a republican Tidus or Sin
— RJ Palmer (@arvalis) September 22, 2021
I have a hypothesis that giving your kid a weird ass name might really fuck them up, and now it’s no longer a hypothesis.
— Matt Rigney (@ShotTheSerif) September 22, 2021
For Firefight did they pick the host based on the most Scandinavian sounding name ever or the most that looks like a member of the Hitler Youth?
— [email protected] (@starvinganthro) September 22, 2021
Hmm where have I seen that first guy before 🤔 pic.twitter.com/K6YF1kSkHg
— seabeat (@happypappy808) September 22, 2021
I agree, his name is too hard to pronounce, ironically, for most white Americans:
At least one of these people is probably going to become the next Ben Shapiro/Toni Lahren right-wing breakout star, and I’m just gonna guess it’s not going to be Gunnar Thorderson.
— Mead🤨ws! ✈️ (@JD_Meadows) September 22, 2021
But for that same amount of money you can get an even blood-purer BMW!
Gunnar's dad bought him a $70,000 GMC Sierra for a graduation present.
— nzmrmnxx (@nzmrmnxx) September 22, 2021
Colbert would be proud of this one:
All of these people are named after lesser Ainur in JRR Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings
— Brendel (@Brendelbored) September 22, 2021
There’s a lot of sexual confusion here indeed:
Not going to lie, the poster for Firefight makes it look like a firefighter-themed gay porn flick
— Tessa Fisher (@spacermase) September 22, 2021
Gunnar Thorderson and Dom Fernando sound like supporting characters in a direct-to-DVD Steven Seagal film.
— Justin Baragona (@justinbaragona) September 22, 2021
One of these shows is hosted by a guy called Joe (who looks like a dehydrated Stephen Miller) and it apparently goes in the morning. Try and guess what they called it:
Damn, Cup of Joe, cause his name is Joe and it’s on in the morning? Like when you drink your coffee?? I dunno about this guy’s politics but that’s fucking genius bravo dude.
— Popcorn Sutton (@Eye_Untrained) September 22, 2021
It gets better:
“Politically right, not correct”
— Will Steakin (@wsteaks) September 22, 2021
🤔
Even the subtitle of his show knows he's wrong about everything pic.twitter.com/noa1zmJt9S
— Switch Owning Brionne (@QuarantineSw) September 22, 2021
at least Joe here is self-aware pic.twitter.com/DFmDleovsB
— Matunos 💉💉 (@matunos) September 22, 2021
But that means they would have to pay attention during English!
Imagine coming with a tag line for your Republican show as "politically right, not correct" and think that was a win
— Andy 🇵🇷 (@Andre_H18) September 22, 2021
These two came in with the precision-targeted burns:
the guy in the cup of joe one looks like an honest to god hapsburg and I don’t think the morgonnn one is right either. unsettling is the word
— america's lounge singer (@KrangTNelson) September 22, 2021
they cropped out the roller backpack pic.twitter.com/G2gV0phN0d
— Ken Klippenstein (@kenklippenstein) September 22, 2021
The following are “suggestions” for other shows (and hosts) for this thing. Among them there is a real one, try finding which one is it without clicking on the links:
BLOOD AND SOIL with PLORDD BLORKENBLORKEN
— goblin cinematic universe (@Rex_Coolguy) September 22, 2021
TRIGGERED MUCH? with CHETT HUNKERSON and GUNTER HIMMLERJUGEND
— goblin cinematic universe (@Rex_Coolguy) September 22, 2021
"Republican GIRLS"
— ⚠️HazardOpossum⚠️ (@OscarOpossum) September 23, 2021
when you feel the need to remind people that your party does, in fact, allow women to join. And some of them even have! Wow!
"Twerking Towards Freedom" with Grunt Thrustley
— Take That Darwin (@TakeThatDarwin) September 22, 2021
"Can't Not America" with Cheg Murderburger
"Fat Slab of Facts" with Tish Gropeberry and Sturmond Drang
These are fun.
There is still a good chance that all of this is an ellaborate prank. They do look like one of those fake shows from Dear White People or:
This seems like fake cable shows that the characters in Riverdale would be on or some shit
— Grandmaster Funky Kong (@stateofdeekay) September 22, 2021
Starting the countdown to the embezzlement scandal … Now.
— Feminazgûl (@jkyles10) September 22, 2021
Obvious question: Where do they find these people?, well:
These aren't their real names. They just legally can't identify them as young Republicans until they become comic book villains, it's part of the process.
— Jeremy Flood 🌹 (@_Floodlight) September 22, 2021
It comes off like they're grown in the same Federalist Society cloning vats that Bannon accused Paul Ryan being from
— Chris Jarrett (@BismarckShuffle) September 22, 2021
I made a bot read 1000 incel posts and then asked it to come up with promotional images for a streaming service…
— Quarentinest Timeline (@Enjolra) September 22, 2021
Conservatives really said “it’s safe space time”
— ⚠️HazardOpossum⚠️ (@OscarOpossum) September 22, 2021
i support this organic grassroots movement pic.twitter.com/Safz6Rlp4q
— Ryan Hall (@EnbyRyan) September 22, 2021
It’s working tho:
Okay, that's kinda sad pic.twitter.com/PpQJVspypN
— Hugh Goggins 🧶 (@guiltypanacea) September 22, 2021
There is one iconic Millennial GOPer missing though:
How does Jacob Wohl not have a show?
— Adot Crawley (@AdotCrawley) September 22, 2021
But for real, if you wanna know where these people come from, please do read these threads:
This anti-vaxxer getting humiliated by @waltermasterson is named Ashley Jefferey.
— Chad Loder (@chadloder) August 1, 2021
Ashley Jefferey is an actor, with an IMDB profile.
He has no visible means of income. He has unlimited free time to attend anti-vaxx events 5 days a week.
Let's dive in. pic.twitter.com/aX4zL9IOmu
Mega #thread on #exploretalent & the phenomenon of failed aspiring entertainers of the Right
— nicole elan (@nicole_chenelle) August 3, 2021
Some context: in the late 90's-early 00's, there were numerous nationwide talent searches that would advertise at the high schools in Southern California
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