It’s finally here, the Vanderpump Rules reunion shows!
Friends, these are my absolute favorite because it’s just the cast of VPR, lowkey drunk, yelling at each other for imagined (and sometimes, unimagined) slights. It’s glorious, and last night we kicked off the first of three episodes of this awesomeness.
So what happened?
Obviously DJ James Kennedy was a focal point of much of the yelling, and rightfully so, because he just sucks. I loathe him because unlike Jax, he seems to revel in being a nasty, misogynistic bully. Jax revels in being a sh*tty person in general, but it’s clear there’s a part of his lizard brain that knows he’s only allowed to behave abhorrently because his friends enable him, so he sticks up for them from time to time. That part of Jax did not come to play today, and I’m here for it.
Before we get to the main event, let’s cover what else went down this reunion.
Lala made no apologies for not sharing her relationship with Hollywood producer, Randall “I’m sorry Fofty” Emmett with the VPR cameras. Stating that he’s too important to appear on the show. Then Stassi jumped in to state how rude that was, comparing her boyfriend Beau’s importance to Randall’s.
Friends, as far as I know, Beau’s greatest claim to fame pre-VPR was being in a Lighthouse video, which of course I am going to embed here.
Rand, on the other hand, produced Gotti which has a 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. So clearly, we know who’s winning this contest here. (It’s us, the viewer, obviously.)
Anyway, Lala refused to apologize for any of it, and that’s what we want out of a reunion episode, so I’m happy.
Scheana at one point had the complete lack of self-awareness to point out that Rob Valetta (who, if you forgot, can mount a TV in less than 7 minutes, which we know happened because Scheana timed it) had no desire to be on the show last season, which is amazing, because that dude clearly was working his angles on every shot he was in.
We also covered how Lisa treats the Toms as partners as part of TomTom, and Lisa in a full power move offered to give Sandoval his money back and keep him as a partner if he had so many problems with how she runs her business. The Toms own ten percent stake in that business, yet coughed up only $100k of $2.5 million to invest (so, 4% of the actual investment cost to get TomTom up and running) and are surprised they haven’t gotten a payout yet. God bless them and their simple minds. We should start referring to them as Simple Tom (Sandoval) and Simpler Tom (Schwartz).
Anyway, of course, Ariana had an opinion, and friends, I’m revising my opinion on Ariana. She is not a Greek chorus, she’s a boring s*it stirrer. Which, I mean, duh, of course she is—but she’s not compelling enough to have a main storyline revolve around her, so she pokes the hornet’s nest in order to get screen time, only she’s boring, so the stuff she deems important enough to stir s*it over is boring, too.
Which leads me to what really turned me against Ariana: her weird insistence for sticking up for DJJK. See, Ariana obviously thinks by sticking up for James shows she has a mind outside of the VPR groupthink, so she deludes herself that she’s an independent woman—but she’s not. She needs the groupthink to have a Bravo check, so it’s all for show and just gross.
We know why Simple Tom sticks up for DJJK (his low-key misogyny, which has been on display for the entirety of the show) but Ariana’s is baffling.
Look. I don’t give a rat’s a*s if DJJK is set up by the rest of the cast to react like he does. He takes the bait every time, and then dials the toxicity to 11 in his rebuttal. His jabs are cheap and cruel and invariably based around how a woman looks. If he’s going after a man, he attacks the women in that man’s life, and I’m sick of it. It’s not fun drama that we all love from this show, it’s just toxic drama that feels out of place on this show. Get rid of him, already.
…unfortunately, it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen because Raquel seems to have gotten a job at SUR, which she revealed at the reunion, all but guaranteeing our Lady Macbeth of the Forever 21 set is going to be on the show next season, which means DJJK will be, too. Blergh!
So let’s get to it: DJJK lashed out at everyone and everyone (save for Simple Tom and Ariana) lashed back. It was messy, and kind of amazing, to be honest. Also, Lala told everyone that he cheated on Raquel in front of her, by sucking on a woman’s breast in Canada. This is my new favorite gotcha moment in reality TV.
This all kicked off because Raquel kept referring to herself, unironically, as a beauty queen, which everyone else understandably laughed at.
DJJK took offense to that response because he’s dumb and mean (the worst combo to be) and didn’t understand that people were laughing because it’s a ridiculous thing to describe yourself as, and not a dig at how Raquel looks.
Jax ultimately tried to knock DJJK out, which unfortunately Andy Cohen stepped in to stop. I don’t think violence is ever an answer unless it’s specifically Jax punching DJJK. Then it probably is.
Anyway, this is all notable because we finally saw Britney lose her s*it after yeaaarrrrs on the show. She yelled at both DJJK and Simple Tom. I don’t think we ever saw that happen, except when Jax broke up with her immediately after having sex with her, and even that wasn’t as severe as her on this reunion show. Go Brittany!
Andy at some point pointed out that Raquel is the only person on the show to have a college degree, yet she’s consistently called dumb, and…OK? I don’t know about you but I know smart people who didn’t go to college, and real boneheads with Masters, so…?
Simple Tom and Ariana were called out for always defending DJJK, which they didn’t really have an answer for, so if any of you have an idea, please let me know in the comments.
We get two more eps of this trash until we have to say goodbye for 6 months, so I hope they make it count.
Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
LVP and Dorit had their summit, and I’m team LVP on this one (I always am because I love that Machiavellian b*tch.) Basically, LVP swore on her children’s lives that she had nothing to do with the Radar story, and Dorit refused to accept that. PK, who knows who keeps him on the air, sided with LVP and Ken. Dorit did not, so Dorit and LVP are friends no longer. Which I don’t blame LVP for, because I couldn’t be friends with someone if they thought I was a liar like that. Let me be clear: I do think LVP lies a lot, but I don’t think she leaked the Radar story. I think another Housewife did, probably Rinna or Teddi. I have no proof, but hey, this is a show based on conjecture.
Honestly, though, I don’t really care about any of this because the cast seriously misjudged how fascinating we’d find the LVP takedown as a season-long arc, and I’ll state again I hope they clean house after this disaster of a run.
Real Housewives of New York
Bethenny is selling off shares of her business because she wants a better work/life balance. Tinsley is getting drunk and crying over everything (same girl, same) and Dorinda is….I dunno. I don’t like her much this season. She’s bossy without being endearing. I feel like after a few seasons playing second fiddle she’s trying to become one of the HBICs and that’s not her role in that group dynamic. Dorinda, girl, beware of trying to move up to leading cast member. It did not work out well for your Beverly Hills counterparts this season.
I obviously loved Lady Sonja Morgan holding a baby and drinking a lot of wine at the circus. Sonja basically never fails to disappoint.
Anyway, that’s all I watched this week. I did catch the end of Mexican Dynasties which wrapped its first season, and I doubt there will be a second. Just not enough drama there.
Let’s dish about the VPR reunion in the comments. I always love this comment thread!
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