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Vanderpump Rules, Real Housewives Bravo Round Up: Now We’re Cooking with Fire

By Kate Hudson | TV | March 12, 2019 |

By Kate Hudson | TV | March 12, 2019 |


VPR_Recap_Fire.png

Friends, I’m happy to report that sh*t has finally gone down on both Vanderpump Rules and Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Today we’re going to cover it all, including Mexican Dynasties and Real Housewives of New York who made their tepid return to our screens last week.

As always, we’ll start with the best trash tv around, Vanderpump Rules.

I have long held a suspicion that the path towards weaseling your way into the VPR group’s good graces after they’ve closed ranks against you is Tom Schwartz. See, Tom doesn’t really want anything out of life other than to drink himself stupid on any day ending in “y” and he prefers having people around to enable that behavior. He’s a gentle boy from Florida (who thinks it’s appropriate to bathe in a creek on his wedding day) and thus tries to avoid conflict entirely. That’s why he’s married to Tequila Katie, who, I’m pretty sure, requires conflict to live and thus will fight all his battles for him. The point is, if you’re even slightly nice to Tom, then he’ll let you back into his life and advocate for you—James Kennedy really screwed the pooch on this one.

After James was invited (by Schwartz) to the pre-TomTom Mexico vacay, Katie had a fit, and rightfully and pulled “the wife card” and demanded that James be uninvited. James takes specific glee in his nasty misogynistic streak and has frequently called Katie fat over the years (the producers appear to be team Katie on this one, cutting to a flashback in 2016 of James asking Katie if she were pregnant, when he knew she wasn’t) and honestly has no business going on a trip to celebrate TomTom’s opening. (Note: yes, they also showed Katie’s nasty streak, but they had to pull in clips from the unfortunate orange hair days to do it.)

Naturally Katie demands this in an undoubtedly semi-drunken stupor outside SUR, in front of Ariana and Sandoval. Schwartz, already primed that it was a dumb idea to invite James, multiple times by Stassi, gave in and agreed—but not before both Ariana and Sandoval started mini fights themselves.

Ariana’s beef was with Schwartz always passing the blame on to Sandoval and playing the “aww shucks” role when things go wrong, as she pointed out that it was a mutual decision by the Toms to invite James (although I remember Sandoval was the one who initially suggested it. Why the f*ck does Sandoval continue to stand up for James?)

Sandoval’s beef was with Katie, insisting she egged James on, which got him fired because Sandoval doesn’t realize the depths to which he hates women as much as he does.

Let’s be clear: on this show, everyone is a garbage person, so it’s self-defeating to hate any one specific person for being terrible. However, James got himself fired. The gleeful manner in which he specifically enjoys disrespecting women isn’t entertaining, it’s disgusting, and frankly is boring to watch. Did Katie poke the bear at Pride? Sure. But James was the one who decided to call her fat, and honestly, f*ck off with that. The way someone’s body looks or functions is off limits to comments and speculation, end of story. The ladies of VPR at least seem to understand that now. The only guy who has consistently said James is a piece of sh*t this season is Jax, so he gets a participation award here, too.

James demonstrated why he needs to be downgraded to “friend of” status later in the episode when he threw a massive temper tantrum at TomTom when he was told he couldn’t go to Mexico by the Toms, in front of Lisa. Not moments before, he tried to get a DJing gig from Lisa at Sur for Billie’s brunch (ugh. Billie, James is not the path forward for you to get a series regular slot on this show!) insisting how he had changed, only to start to cry and call both Schwartz and Katie names. Ugh. Whatever James.

So what else happened?

Stassi showed her vagina as she got it bedazzled, so it must have been Wednesday. She also inadvertently called out Scheana when the ladies went to go hang out with cats, and Stassi made a joke about calling the black cat she was playing with “Salem” declaring it the most basic bitch name you could give a black cat—which Ariana gleefully told her was what Scheana named her black cat.

Doute and Carter had an anniversary date night, where they proceeded to order like 12 drinks as they were sat at the table (and then drank them all in rapid succession as they talked a lot of sh*t about Doute’s friends, which girl, red flag!!) The biggest takeaway from that scene was the fact that those two met on Bumble and Carter lied off the bat in their relationship—he invited her over to his apartment, and said that she could sleep in his bed and he’d sleep on the couch, only he didn’t have a couch. Doute, you need to go fulfill your birthright by tracking down James’ younger busboy brother at SUR, and start dating him. I’m just saying.

Finally, Jax had the best moment of the night when he flat out refused to make a woman two mojitos at SUR because it takes too long to make. Friends, I 100 percent back him up on this. Mojitos are the most obnoxious, labor intensive drink for a bartender to make, and you’re a total a*sshole for trying to order one when the bar is packed. I don’t care if it’s on the menu and that’s the only drink you drink. Read the room. Also, I’m pretty sure the only thing you’d want to drink if Jax made it was something simple and not labor intensive.

On to the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and New York

Beverly Hills

Look, I think puppygate is truly the dumbest story arc that has ever been stretched out, across all the Real Housewives franchises, ever. It’s dumb and stupid, and only Camille seems to get that the blame should be on Dorit, and Dorit only, because she’s a garbage person who adopted, then returned, two dogs.

The only funny part of the entire trip was when Kyle, probably still drunk from the night before, had an honest moment and declared that she couldn’t talk about the damn dog anymore. We were all Kyle Richards at that point—except for the fact we didn’t get a 7-figure ugly rolex delivered to us at dinner last night via postmates, unless one of you did then bully for you!

I was about to throw my remote at the tv when something interesting finally happened—Ken brought receipts. I cannot be bothered to go through the timeline of puppygate, because again, it’s boring, but Ken was able to get a text message exchange from that younger dude at Vanderpump Dogs and Teddi where Teddi basically sets up the initial exchange about the dog to occur in front of Kyle (and on camera) thus kicking this whole snoozefest off. Teddi, you’re boring, and when you come for Queen LVP you best not miss. (Narrator’s voice: Teddi missed.)

I’m looking forward to tonight’s episode because finally someone did something to move the ball forward here but honestly, if I didn’t take it upon myself to recap it for Pajiba, I would have dropped RHOBH a few episodes ago this season. Boring!

New York

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Ok, this too was a fairly boring episode and I’m only staying with it because holy cats the rest of the season looks amazing!! So many tears! So much fighting! Drunk people falling over! Bethenny screaming her best line on the series, ever, again: “GO TO BED!!!!!!”

Also, Bethenny is a boring housewife and I miss Heather. CLIP!

Finally, welcome back to Dorinda, and Dorinda only.

Mexican Dynasties

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Anyone else watching? The big drama of the episode revolved around the youngest Allende appearing on the Mexican Voice. He is weird and honestly dudes, I wasn’t that impressed by his singing voice, so… I’ll still be watching because is comes on right after RHOBH, but I’m hoping for more drama.

As always, I love this thread so share all your thoughts from trash tv over the past week. I also specifically look forward to that one person who can’t help themselves and wades into this thread to let us know that they’re superior to us because they don’t watch trash TV. We see you, friend.

via GIPHY



Kate is a staff contributor. You can follow her on Twitter.


Header Image Source: Bravo/YouTube


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