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Vanderpump Rules & Bravo Roundup: Stassi’s Dark Passenger and a Suitcase of Money

By Kate Hudson | TV | April 16, 2019 |

By Kate Hudson | TV | April 16, 2019 |


Tom_Schwartz.png

Vanderpump Rules

Well, we came, we saw, we sadly had to participate in DJ James Kennedy’s Puppy Shower. Yikes. It was a mercifully short segment, and the only full time cast members to show up were Ariana, Sandoval, and Scheana (who, let’s be honest, will show up to anything. The Producers did an amazing edit of Scheana this ep, where she was always in the background helping, and never had any attention focused on her. For some reason she was backstage helping Lala get ready for her performance. No explanation given. Scheana was given the help’s edit this go-round and I am here for it.) Bit players who wanted screen time showed up, too. I’m pretty sure I saw Billie Lee’s back, and Peter showed up and sat by himself, undoubtedly questioning why he will debase himself just to get air time. We met Raquel’s mom, and I wish we hadn’t. Highlight of the party was Ariana’s talking head, where she said that she feels like when people talk about how their pets are feeling, she usually thinks it’s a stand in for how the person is feeling. This was of course, said over a video of Raquel basking in the attention on her dog, and the whole thing bummed me out to a level I’m not quite used to.

DJJK threw a massive hissy fit before the party, and honestly, I don’t even remember why, now. I do remember that he threatened Sandoval and Ariana in their apartment that he can only be so good, for so long, so…yeah. If anyone was questioning if this was all an act (I mean, we all were, right? Please tell me no one thought he was sincere, here) congratulations. Here’s your cookie. You were right. He’s just a whiny brat, and his sobriety and not yelling obscenities at people all the time was just an act. The highlight of this bit being that DJJK stormed out of their home, only to storm back in, ranting and raving, because DJJK knows that people don’t want to film with him, so he’s go to take his screen time where he can get it.

In other news, Katie, who I know a lot of you hate, definitely Katie-ed it up, by casually telling Lisa V that doing a “Girls Night In” every Tuesday would be too much work, so really, she can’t rely on her to do it all the time. This all happened while Katie was working a shift at SUR and was basically telling her boss she doesn’t want to work that hard. Bless. As far as I know, C-U-Next-Tuesday is dead at SUR, and in its place, Sandoval does a few hours behind the bar to get people excited. I’ve been to SUR, friends, I recommend Pump or TomTom instead. If you’re wondering if I ever went to a C-U-Next-Tuesday, come on, I have too much self respect for that. I went to a Sursty-Sursday instead, and yes, I saw DJJK in the flesh. He’s taller than you’d expect.

Anyway, back to the interesting people.

Jax and Britney went to couples therapy and I have never loved Jax more than when he took credit for Britney growing a backbone because he cheated on her. Jax is the best kind of sociopath on reality tv, and I truly hope he never leaves our screens. Yes friends, he said as much in his relationship counseling, and then doubled down on it in his talking head. The best part of all this is the look on Britney’s face, when she let the mask drop, and you know she knows she’s making a huge mistake marrying him, but you also know that she knows it will keep her on reality tv for the next few years so she’s going ahead with it anyway. I love these two, and I want to watch them forever.

Next we have Lala, who performed her new single in honor of her dad, in the hopes that she can release some of her grief and move on with her life. I’m not sure if it worked, but she started to address her drinking problem with Scheana (note: Lala has been sober since October, and I’m very happy for her about that) so we’re starting to see her put two and two together and realize drinking and Lala aren’t a great combo.

Ariana and Doute went on a friend date, and holy cats. Of all the possible combinations of enemies-turned-friends this show has ever offered up, this one surprises me the most. It makes me think that Doute is a cray, but also a good lady friend to have, as long as she’s not being super cray. Let’s not forget it was a few short years ago that Doute was flying chicks out from Florida to confront Tom (and Ariana) to say that he cheated on Ariana with her. Doute apologized to Ariana for being a pill to her on the day her dad died (side note: was this in the show? I don’t remember that being brought up, but holy cats, that’s definitely something you need to apologize for.) It all seems to be water under the bridge. Poor Ariana went to Lala’s tribute to her dad show on the 5th anniversary of Ariana’s dad’s death, and there was some heavy stuff, here.

Which leads us to Schwartz, because let’s take a break for a second from all the real-life stuff here and focus on the fact that this dingbat gave Lisa V, his business partner, a bad check. So, rather than get her a cashiers’ check to do right by her, he decides to give her a suitcase, in small bills (for the impact, you know) of the money he owes her, because Schwartz is an idiot, but I love him. I also love that he had to call his banker and ask if he had enough in savings to pay Lisa, which is even better.

Finally, we had Stassi getting cleansed from a shaman-type to try to release her “dark passenger” (wasn’t this a storyline on Riverdale in season 2?) Look, I’m into some weird stuff, but that ceremony was too weird, for even me. I hope it helped her release some stuff, and come to terms with how poorly she treats Beau when she’s drunk, because as much as I love to watch reality start do their thing, I do want everyone on this show to be happy, so I hope this is the first step for her to some real growth.

Shout out to Sandoval, who still goes to TomTom in that dumb white motorcycle, and and even bigger shout out to Ariana who will sit in the sidecar.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Yeah, I’m barely watching this anymore, but I’m looking forward to this week’s episode because it seems like it’s about the Kavanaugh hearings, and looks like Lisa Rinna is surprisingly in Dr. Blasey Ford’s camp here, while Camille Grammer is pro-Kavanaugh (shouldn’t be a surprise. Kelsey Grammer is a huge Republican.)

Real Housewives of New York

This season is better than RHOBH but that’s not saying much. They’re up in the Berzerkshires acting like fools. I especially loved Luann’s royal hissy fit over which room she will stay in at Dorinda’s, and Sonja is on the cusp of a classic Morgan meltdown which we should be able to see this week.

What did you think about the Bravo slate this week? Let’s talk s*it about Katie in the comments, because she was ridiculous this week.



Kate is a staff contributor. You can follow her on Twitter.


Header Image Source: Bravo/YouTube


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