The Normalization of Emotionally Abusive Relationships on 'The Amazing Race'

By Dustin Rowles | TV | April 29, 2024 |

By Dustin Rowles | TV | April 29, 2024 |

The Amazing Race is one of the most popular and long-running reality competition series on television. As a fan of the show, I appreciate the opportunity to vicariously travel to new places with my kids, learn about different cultures together, and watch teams navigate difficult challenges. It’s mostly family-friendly. However, the show often highlights a disturbing trend: the normalization and even rewarding of abusive behavior in romantic relationships.

Over the years, there have been numerous instances of unhealthy dynamics between dating or married couples on the race. One would think that couples who communicate effectively and support each other would fare better, but it isn’t always the case. Some of the most successful teams have been those with the most toxic relationships.

Take, for example, Dave and Rachel from season 20. Despite winning a record-tying eight legs and ultimately claiming the grand prize, their relationship was far from healthy. Dave, a former military man, consistently displayed controlling, passive-aggressive, and emotionally abusive behavior toward Rachel, reducing her to tears on multiple occasions. Even their victories were marred by troubling moments, such as when Dave celebrated a win by yelling, “Now that’s why you listen to your husband!” It was like watching a marriage unravel on national television, and indeed, the couple divorced the following year.

This season, the “dating nurses” Vinny and Amber have taken the dysfunction to a new level. Vinny’s treatment of Amber is so egregious that it wouldn’t be surprising if production intervened at some point. Nearly every episode has featured Vinny berating, belittling, or gaslighting Amber, often blaming her for his own mistakes.

In one particularly hard-to-watch episode last week, Vinny repeatedly yells at Amber for not being able to read a map fast enough or finish a routine as quickly as he does. At one point, Vinny misses a turn and blames her.

“Oh my lord,” Vinny tells Amber. “You’re terrible at communicating.”

“All I said was to look to your left,” Amber says to him.

“Move on. Move on, Amber. This is going to get real stiff with you now. You’re just going to drain patience and act like it’s OK to do that to your teammate. You’re making this so hard. I’m starting to get frustrated, and you’re not trying to be any better.”

“Baby, I hope you learn from this experience what you’re doing to us as a team,” Vinny says to her.

As Amber said in her confessional afterward, “I just feel like a failure … And I kind of feel like that a lot in our relationship, so …”

In his confessional, Vinny says, “With the drumming, she had a hard time with it, and I think a lot of that was self-inflicted. Her thoughts are saying, ‘You’re not good enough.’”

When your boyfriend repeatedly tells you that you’re not good enough, that you’re letting the team down, and that you’re a failure, maybe those thoughts are understandable. He insults and berates Amber and then blames her for her lack of self-confidence. Even when he’s trying to be encouraging, it comes off as condescending.

Later on, during another fight, Vinny snaps at Amber for little reason. “Stop talking to me like that,” she says, standing up for herself. One would think that Vinny, at that moment, might realize that everything he’s saying will be watched by millions of viewers. But after bickering for another few seconds, Amber says, “Well, I’m just not going to talk right now.”

“Well, if you could keep it that way,” Vinny responds, “we could communicate clearly.” In other words, women should keep their mouths shut and let the men handle the driving.

What’s even more troubling is that, like Dave and Rachel, Vinny and Amber have been consistently successful, rarely finishing outside the front of the pack. It’s troubling to think that treating your partner poorly can lead to success in the race, and by continuing to cast volatile couples and highlight their dramatic conflicts, the show tacitly condones this toxic dynamic. While The Amazing Race will likely always feature interpersonal drama, the show’s producers should take some kind of stand against the normalization of abuse, even if it’s only to acknowledge it by having Phil ask Vinny to show more compassion or by posting a message after the episode telling viewers where they can learn more about emotionally abusive relationships.

“We’re just both very strong-willed, strong-headed individuals,” Amber says in her confessional after the race, wiping away a tear. “But that’s our relationship. We’re very stubborn—both of us,” she says, blaming herself for the way that he speaks to her. “That’s what we’re trying to figure out in our relationship before we get married.”

The couple are still together and planning their wedding. At least this season does have Rod and Leticia around to illustrate how a healthy relationship should look.