Ranking the Six Dumbest Storylines in the Final Season of 'Sons of Anarchy'
It’s been a disastrous final season of Sons of Anarchy, and only the most loyal and willfully blind Kurt Sutter devotee could fail to miss that. It’s a mess, and the comparisons to last year’s final season of Dexter are completely justified.
Still, we’re not ruling out the possibility that Sutter could still pull off an excellent finale. After all, one of his best finales, in my opinion, came at the end of the disastrous Irish season when they killed off Agent Stahl, while one of the best seasons — the fourth — ended with a lame finale in which Jax pussed out on killing Clay and the CIA inexplicably dropped their RICO case. Still, with four episodes to go, there’s the possibility that Sutter clears the deck, so to speak, of the events of the previous nine episodes and finally focuses in on a finale the must have had in mind from the outset. Or he’ll simply continue running off the rails.
Either way, through nine episodes, it has been a giant Sutterfuck of epic proportions.
Let’s take a look at the six worst storylines so far this season:
6. Chibs and Jarry — I have no idea what’s going on here, and I’m not so sure that Kurt Sutter does, either. The pairing of Chibs and Sheriff Jarry (Annabeth Gish) had some undeniable chemistry in the beginning, and there was a modicum of intrigue surrounding whether Jarry was a corrupt cop banging her way into the heart of the enemy or if she was just playing by Charming’s rules, like Unser had under his watch as sheriff. Either way, Sutter threw it all out the window for a cheap and nonsensical sex scene that saw Chibs inexplicably tearing Jarry’s clothes off and fucking her on the hood of a car while a befuddled Quinn looked on while sitting on his motorcycle. Why?
5. Unser is a Moron — How the hell has Unser not figured out that Gemma and Juice were behind the murder of Tara? He knew Juice was hiding out. He knew the club wanted to kill him. He knew that Gemma was protecting him. He knows that Gemma and Juice are both lying about who actually killed Tara. Put two and two together, you goddamn halfwit. He was the fucking sheriff for years — how can he not see what’s so plainly in front of his face? Has the cancer finally gone to his head? Why would Gemma and Juice lie? Why would Gemma protect Juice? These things are not unrelated, you Sarcophogean bone bag.
4. Juice — Through nine episodes, Juice has contributed nothing to the series except to be the same whiny little dipshit he’s been for the last three seasons, only now he’s doing it while holed up in a Wendy’s apartment, in a hotel room, or in prison. Every other episode seems to end with him contemplating suicide, and despite the fact that nothing has improved for the guy — things have only gotten progressively worse — he continues to exist, so far as I can tell, only to serve Sutter’s weekly bare-ass quota. As we saw with the sex scene with Jarry, Chibs can do that just fine by himself.
3. The Land Deal MacGuffin — How many goddamn land deals have been made throughout the course of this series? And how many buildings have we actually seen? Whatever happened to the janitorial contracts that the Sons were supposed to get? This season, Jax and SAMCRO entered into a war with August Marks over a stupid tract of land. Bobby fucking died so that Jax could save some church land for two people he barely even knows, one of whom is a junkie.
And by the way, the smartest character this entire season is August Marks, and all he wants to do is build some goddamn condos and make a few bucks, and Jax — a murdering thug with has run drugs, guns, and prostitutes — suddenly develops a conscious about a church? Marks deserves to outlive them all.
2. The Lie — Every single casualty this season — from Bobby to West to over a dozen high-end escorts at Diosa to countless members of Lin’s gang to Jury White, his son, and his friend’s son — are all predicated on a lie. And it’s not even a good lie, because anyone that took ten minutes to look at the evidence and motive would immediately understand that Gemma had killed Tara. If Jax Teller had been investigating the murder of Hae Min Lee, he would’ve murdered the entire cast of The Wire before he finally turned to Adnan Syed and “Jay.” OPEN YOUR EYES, BRUH.
1. Abel Teller — Sons of Anarchy’s four-year-old sociopath has spent the entire season stealing cookies and eavesdropping on Gemma, who has confessed her crimes to both Abel’s little brother and the corpse of Bobby Munson while Abel listened on. Is there a point to this, and if so, how does anyone expect that kid to convincingly piece enough words together to rat Gemma out to Jax? “Dadda, Grandma told that dead body that she sure was real sorry about killing Momma and being responsible for the deaths of at least 40 people this season. You should get her back by shooting her in the face.”