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Not A Single Person Is Staying Dead: What We Learned From Last Night's 'AHS: Coven'

By Joanna Robinson | TV | November 7, 2013 |

By Joanna Robinson | TV | November 7, 2013 |

Let Me Get This Straight. Magic Can Ressurrect Dead Babies And Gators And Hunks O’ Frat Boy And Charcoal Briquette Witches But It’s Useless Against Sulfuric Acid? Got it.

Ah But She Can See Some Things No longer able to, you know, apply lipstick, Cordelia is now, it would appear, “blessed” with the “True Sight” or “Second Sight” or whatever you want to call the ability to see your husband animal banging and then murdering a poor, witless Thomas Kinkade fan.

Do you think Sarah Paulson and Angela Bassett shared the same pair of contacts?

But Who Threw The Acid? One thing we do know, it wasn’t Myrtle Snow. All the young girls were in the house and accounted for. Both LaLaurie and Laveau were busy with zombies. Kyle lacks the motor skills and motivation. So who do we have left? Spalding? He was suspiciously absent at the start of the zombie attack. Misty? Possibly. Though why? Patti Lupone? Dark horse. My pet theory is that Spalding threw the acid at the behest of Fiona herself. Who benefitted most? Fiona. Is she the type of person who would maim her own daughter if it helped her cause? I believe she is. Cordelia’s second sight also benefits Fiona as it rids them of the cheating husband. Did Fiona seem genuinely upset? She did. But that could be easily be guilt.

I Know That When I Go To See Someone Burned, I Like To Stand In Perfect Circle Formation

What did we think of Frances Conroy’s performance here? I love so much about the Myrtle Snow character and I loved the council scene where she roared a Jesse Pinkman-esque “SHE CAN’T KEEP GETTING AWAY WITH IT.” But I think this burning scene was a little…overwrought? Is that even possible in this show? I just wanted her to keep still and deliver those great frog boilin’ lines instead she was wriggling all over the place. Take your kerosene dousing like a man, Myrtle.

Do You Think She’s Going To Stay Crusty? I mean, I’ll miss Myrtle’s fabulous witch-fro and decadent accessories, but the Darth Maul look sort of suits her. What do you think? Could she still pull off the chunky necklaces and red leather gloves as Darth Myrtle?

Also, for heaven’s sake, show, what is the point of a horror story where nobody stays dead? With Misty fringey shawling her little self all over the place, what kind of stakes does the universe have? At any rate, kudos on navigating that gravel in those heeled boots, girl.

Spalding, If You Can’t Take Care Of Your Toys, You Don’t Get To Keep Them Okay I suppose the exception to the “staying dead” rule is Madison. But she’s still around! Emma Roberts has to show up to the set every day and endure this plot. Side note, did anyone else think her head was going to come popping off? I was relieved when it was just the arm. I did not want to see that neck wound yawn open.

I Would Watch An Entire Movie Of Precious vs. Zombies First of all, you all saw Fiona wipe her hands after she touched Queenie’s face, right? After she cooed some repulsively manipulative thing about “Supreme of color?” Just making sure. Secondly, this was the coolest zombie fight I’ve ever seen. Without a doubt. All the praise to the sick minds who dreamt this up.

Supreme, Right? Case Closed. Zoe was the clear choice from the start so it makes sense that we were looking around in less obvious places. But we can’t deny the truth after what Marie Laveau said, right? That this chainsaw-wielding mini-Ash has some real power? You can still vote for Misty if you want, but I think that’s a lost cause. Given the way Zoe looked when she watched Myrtle burn, I think we’re headed for a vicious showdown between Zoe and Fiona. But what about Zoe vs. Marie? Should we just let their boyfriends duke it out? Zombie Kyle vs. Minotaur Head?