Aaron Evans Must Be Stopped

By Emma Chance | TV | August 20, 2024 |

By Emma Chance | TV | August 20, 2024 |

Earlier this year I went down the Traitors franchise rabbit hole and watched every season from every country I could find. The UK, Australia, and New Zealand seasons are all on Peacock. I started with UK, the first season of which is deliciously chaotic because, unlike the American version, it’s all random, regular people instead of celebrities. And these people take this shit seriously.

(Spoilers for the first season of the UK Traitors)

The most stupidly serious of all was Aaron Evans, one of three eventual winners. Aaron split the prize pot with Hannah Byczkowski (the breakout star of the season) and Meryl Williams after they banished the last traitor. Evans maintained throughout the season that any money he won would go straight to his mother so she could buy a house. Pair that with his overreactions to having to vote out his buddies and his general whiney, high-maintenance nature, and his character came across as that of a little boy who stumbled onto a reality TV set.

So, imagine my surprise when he showed up on Love Island USA. First of all, stick with the reality shows in your country, bucko. As soon as he moseyed into the villa, I knew some poor midwestern girl was gonna fall for that accent. And furthermore, weren’t you just weeping in a Scottish castle about your mommy? You really think you’re ready for a long-distance relationship?

Cut to: Kaylor Martin, the perky blonde from Pittsburgh, who is the clone of every girl I partied with when I lived in Pittsburgh (read: cute and loud). She basically looks like Barbie, so, you know, perfect for the British Ken that is Aaron Evans. It was like the cheesiest rom-com you love to hate: they locked eyes on that first day and were coupled up for the rest of the summer, all pet names and baby talk, except for that little blip during Casa Amor, when Evans hooked up with some other chick. He came back for Martin, though there was drama over just what happened in Casa Amor. But that accent! The young lovers let it go and spent the rest of their summer together before they were sent home in the final four.

But Sandoval Evans seemed to have forgotten that Martin would be able to watch the Casa Amor episodes, so she got to see just how many of those wild oats he sowed, which was most definitely more than he copped to. Whoopsie!

“I lied to Kaylor, straight-up,” Evans told host Ariana Madix at the reunion last night. “I didn’t tell her the whole truth. I put my hands down Daniela’s pants. I kissed her, I snogged her. We had loads of romantic connections.” Not since the “I licked her tit” moment from Love Island UK season 8 have we heard such a confession.

Martin, like the good Yinzer she is, went off on him.

“What?!” She cried. “Why didn’t you tell me this two days ago when I was asking you in our hotel room? Why?” Girl, you shared a room with him after all that?

“I’m tired of the fucking excuses,” she continued. “Take accountability and be a man. I just saw you the last three fucking days in New York and you haven’t said that to me once. Why would you do that? Why do you keep fucking lying to me? And quit love-bombing me!” Pittsburgh erupted like it was a Steelers touchdown, I’m sure.

“Literally, I cannot believe I wasted my entire fucking summer on you, Aaron,” she added. “I don’t want anything to do with you. I never want to speak to you again. You’re disgusting. And I do not deserve that. And you know what? I walked into the villa being so confident, and you beat me down, beat me down, beat me down, and I left a different girl. It’s not cool and it’s not fun. Leave me alone. You do not deserve me. At all. You’re disgusting.”

Listen, Kaylor will be fine. There are eligible bachelors lining the streets of Pittsburgh right now, ready and waiting. There are single men in Bloomfield, in Lawrenceville, in Shadyside—all she has to do is pick a neighborhood. Aaron, though, is clearly on the reality television crossover star pipeline, and I am not here for it. Next thing you know this guy’s gonna be on Perfect Match or The Circle or something, spreading his infantile chaos far and wide. He must be stopped.

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