10:04 - God that took like three Revenants. BYE. I don’t even care to actually say bye to you. I don’t care about anything. Except Mariska Hargitay’s bad hair. SOMEONE HELP HER. BYE.
10:03 - Of course it did. No one makes a movie like The Revenant for fun. THEY MAKE THAT SHIT FOR THE AWARDS.
9:59 - Truth fact, I picked Rose as my confirmation name mostly because of Rose in Titanic AND ALSO MOSTLY BECAUSE OF MY GREAT GRANDMOTHER but also mostly because of Titanic I’m so sorry, grandma.
LEO AND KATE BOTH WON pic.twitter.com/3M2Yr3ehCP— BuzzFeed (@BuzzFeed) January 11, 2016
9:57 - Leo is getting that whole speech out now JUST IN CASE. Just in case that Redmayne takes it and robs him of his gold.
9:55 - Leo won. BUT IT’S JUST THE GOLDEN GLOBE.
9:52 - Guys I haven’t even seen Room yet but I LOVE BRIE LARSON and I loved that book so very very much.
9:50 - I care more about Mariska Hargitay’s parted-down-the-middle coif in these SVU promos than anything else tonight.
9:44 - Finally. FINALLY. A real comedy wins in the comedy category.
9:41 - JIM CARREY? Now we’re just trotting out people who used to be in movies who now only present at award shows.
9:39 - Tobey Maguire? What are we even doing here?
9:36 - Let’s play a game. What does Leo do next if he doesn’t win the Oscar? I’m going with self-amputation.
9:36 - I’m so tired. I feel like I’ve been through something. I feel like I just watched The Revenant. Is it over yet?
9:33 - The lady we like from the movie literally no one liked won which pretty much sums up award shows.
9:27 - “‘Please wrap’? I waited 20 years for this. You’re gonna wait.” I LOVE HER.
9:25 - Oh my god Taraji just took all the pastries because she is a superior being.
9:23 - When Leo wins and tries to hide his “I DON’T FUCKING CARE ABOUT THIS I JUST WANT THE OSCAR” feels.
9:19 - “Child abushe.” CHRISTOPHER. Don’t drink before you present.
9:14 - HE NEEDS HIS GLASSES! AND HE FORGOT TO THANK HIS FAMILY EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE LITERALLY NEXT TO HIM! This is the best part of the whole show and rescues literally every other second.
9:12 - Awwww, the whole Denzel family is up on stage. And his daughter is wearing a tux and they’re all perfect and aw.
9:09 - I want to know exactly how many times “I Feel Good” has been the fun shift in a montage RIGHT NOW.
9:07 - OK it’s Denzel, that’s cool, that works, too.
9:06 - This is a very intense serious introduction and I just think it would be funny if the recipient was Channing Tatum.
9:00 - “Emmy Rossum? Is that an actress?” Guys, I’m gonna stop quoting my husband now.
8:58 - People. PEOPLE. It’s so good. Look. I think everything is overrated garbage. I thought Breaking Bad was, like, fine. I LOVE MR. ROBOT.
8:57 - My husband and I are literally chanting “Mr. Robot. Mr. Robot. Mr. Robot.” AND IT WORKED!
8:54 - “We have to say nice things about the anti-semitic woman abuser.” - Hollywood, ladies and gentlemen!
8:53 - “James Blunt won, what?” My husband, not listening.
8:51 - How did Sam Smith win over a dead person song? I mean, Sam Smith, you’re fine. Your songs are made of tears and emotions. BUT DEAD PERSON SONG.
8:51 - The Golden Gobe.
8:46 - YOU CAN ALL SHUT YOUR TOO COOL FACES I GET IT YOU’RE COOL BUT I’M OVER HERE LIVING AND DYING AND GAGGING AND GAGAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!
8:43 - HOLD ON HOLD ON I’M DEAD I AM DEAD I AM DYING
8:43 - LADYYYYYY GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGGAGAGAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
8:39 - I honestly can’t hear what’s happening right now—my daughter is watching YouTube videos next to me and they are very loud and they are shapes and they are yelling.
8:38 - Who let Gerard Butler in? Did he buy a ticket like Phoebe Price?
8:32 - No one ever talks about Science of Sleep but that was a super good movie.
8:31 - Gael is so excited! Again, I haven’t watched this show yet BUT I WILL.
8:29 - “But it DID get 85% on Rotten Tomatoes.” My husband backtracking when he heard I posted that.
8:28 - “How does a movie that’s not good win stuff?” My husband asking the real-talk questions right now.
8:20 - Everyone is standing so jazzed for Sylvester Stallone right now, which, like, I know Creed was amazing and all, but you KNOW this is the same guy who made everything he made from 1986 through 2001 right?
8:16 - I’m gonna call it: this is the most boring, awkward award show in years. More so than even Anne and Franco-gate because Hathaway so so committed that she saved it as much as she could.
8:14 - Kate Hudson is wearing the hottest look of 2001 y’all! Also, awwwww Kate and Kurt. <3
8:11 - My daughter is asking if we can go to Target. It has nothing to do with anything, I just wanted you guys to know how strong my genes are that I created a smaller version of me who too believes Target to be the best place in the world.
8:06 - So I didn’t see Joy because I really think David O. Russell is overrated garbage but is it about a 40-year-old twentysomething who invents a mop and joins the mob and is also on a soap opera? That’s just what I’ve gathered.
8:03 - I feel like Jennifer Lawrence would be down to host if you told her she could drink the whole time. Jen and Amy being nonsense would be the unprofessional version of Tina and Amy and I’m fine with either.
8:02 - Wait, what’s this You, Me and the Apocalypse show? That looks like it could be delightful. WELCOME BACK TO MY LIFE JENNA FISCHER.
7:58 - I feel like the order of these awards makes any sense. Where are we? I HAVE NO ROCK UPON WHICH TO STEADY MYSELF UPON.
7:56 - Do we know if Jon and Jen are back together yet? I just have such dreams for them. But only if he deserves her. I don’t know their life. *sip* Anyway.
7:55 - Well done America and Eva, that was my first actual out-loud laugh of the night.
7:54 - Awwww I forgot his daughter is Miss Golden Globe. Blessssssssss. *whispers* that dress is terrible but it’s OK you’re gorgeous you have time to figure out your fashion life but seriously that’s not it but that’s OK but seriously
7:52 - OK, with that, let’s let Jamie Foxx host next year. Or the rest of the night. GO HOME, RICKY.
7:48 - Mr. Robot is the most deserving of all the awards, your views, everything. It was the most spectacular, superb show of the year. LOVE IT. GIVE YOUR LIFE TO IT.
7:47 - Who in this room do I love most? LADY FUCKING GAGA, WHY ARE YOU EVEN COMING INTO MY HOUSE AND ASKING THAT QUESTION?
7:47 - Spy was delightful and fun but the fact that it’s nominated shows what a weak year it was for comedy. NOT THAT I DIDN’T ENJOY IT.
7:40 - What’s happening? The director is drunk. BUT WAIT I DON’T CARE BECAUSE OSCAR ISAAC WON AND THIS IS ME RIGHT NOW ON MY TELEVISION:
7:37 - During the red carpet, Bryce Dallas Howard said she bought her dress because she has a hard time finding a SIZE SIX from designers and likes to have a few options. Hollywood is stupid.
7:35 - Speaking of Ben Affleck being unfaithful, can we dream cast the story of Nanny Christine? Because if you have not been following that story like I have, and of course you haven’t, she is now LIVING THE LIFE IN THE BAHAMAS. She was a nanny. Now she’s goddamn tropical “indefinitely” with her ex-fiance. This is why they dig that gold, people.
7:32 - “The Golden Globes doesn’t have an In Memorium to get you all depressed.” Nope, you’re just doing it with the writing and hosting and presenting and everything else. I get that Scott Aukerman and company can’t write *every* award show but I’m sure SOMEONE would be down.
7:31 - I will 100-percent absolutely be watching Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. This is my exact Venn diagram of interests.
it's a fucking hour long musical comedy series that uses songs to literally call out "patriarchal bullshit" WATCH IT— Bill Hanstock (@sundownmotel) January 11, 2016
7:26 - Holy shit. Viola Davis looks like a perfect vision of heaven. Like, she’s what I want to see when I get the gentle rejection from heaven.
7:24 - What did announcer guy just call Taraji? Because I don’t think it was her name.
7:23 - I still haven’t watched Crazy Ex-Girlfriend but I already love Rachel Bloom. She says “guys” a lot, and that resonates with me.
7:22 - The Globes goddamn LOVES brand new CW shows. That shit is their JAM.
7:21 - Andy Samberg is doing fine, like standard delightful Sambergery, but the audience seems SO relieved to be actually laughing they are like going nuts right now.
7:19 - Wait, is there actually any question whether or not Maura’s glasses were perfect? PLEASE. Shut your facebutt. Those glasses were incredible.
7:18 - We all know what Maura ACTUALLY won for.
7:13 - I’m going to pretend that whole bear nonsense never happened and move on with all our lives. MAURA TIERNEY! I don’t watch The Affair. I don’t hear great things. BUT GOD I LOVE MAURA TIERNEY.
7:09 - Same, Jane.
7:08 - Channing. Your hair. What’s happening right now. Why do you look like Todd from Wedding Crashers?
7:06 - Is Ricky Gervais painfully unfunny to anyone else? Anyone? I cannot be alone, right?
7:05 - Are the audience members laughing so hard because they’re drunk or because they truly are the most talented performers on the planet who know they’re on camera and may at some point have to work with Ricky?
7:03 - Unamused-by-trans-jokes Jeffrey Tambor is my new emotional screensaver.
7:01 - By the way, if I disappear at any point, it’s for crying baby reasons.
6:59 - Did you guys catch much of the Glambot? It was insane, right? Like, in a terrifying way? Like in a PEOPLE ARE STARVING AND YOU SPENT MONEY ON THAT INSANE CAMERA way?
6:56 - Dresses cut out at the belly region are the jam tonight. Remember those inserts in Seventeen magazine that had the prom dresses and some had giant forma gauchos and some were two-piece and some had cutouts? That’s what that style reminds me of. But fancier.
6:53 - I was doing Dry January but then this conversation happened:
Husband: So you’ll need wine for tonight, right?
Me: No, I don’t need it.
Husband: But it’s the Golden Globes.
Me: I know, I’m fine.
Husband: …I’m going to get you wine.
So Dry January is over now.
6:51 - Do other people have the Education Connection commercial with the rapping? That commercial is one of the primary key reasons white people simply must be stopped.
6:46 - Saoirse Ronan is at the same table with Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Schumer. FRIENDSHIP GOALZ.
6:43 - I’m going to start by announcing that David O. Russell just Russ-jacked Katy Perry’s interview. He didn’t have a mic and very silently said something to her while she was supposed to be talking to Seacrest and apparently what he was saying was that Katy tweeted that she liked Joy. COOL STORY, RUSTY.
5:17 - Also not live, BUT YOU GUYS. The crawl on E! just told me that Brie Larson is dating Alex Greenwald. Alex Greenwald is the lead singer of Phantom Planet. Who performed the song “California.” Which was the theme song for The OC. WHERE IS THE LIE? EVERYTHING IS CONNECTED. I AM A GODDAMN PROPHET.
2:41 - This post isn’t even live yet, I’m just setting it up in our system, but I just want to document for eternal posterity the gaping maw of hell that is Google Image searching for an appropriate photo. Just a sea of terrifying Gervais and desperate serious Leo.