The Week in Trash TV: Can We Talk About Kristen Doute and the RHOBH ‘Charcuterie Expert’ Please?
It was a good week in Bravo land, friends. Let’s get to Vanderpump Rules, first.
I love Kristen Doute, and this week’s VPR did not fail to disappoint because she fell in slow mo at the bar, after spending the day drinking and disappearing to do god knows what, for large swaths of time. (Let s/he among us who has not had a similar situation happen to them cast the first stone, friends.) In short, this was a great episode.
(And also supplied my favorite Lala quip of the entire series so far.)
Why?! Because, again, Kristen was drunk for the entire episode. Tom Schwartz got really drunk. Tom Sandoval got weird with his bar kit in a bag. Jax got really paranoid he would get caught cheating because he’s not particularly good at covering his tracks, and DJ James Kennedy was mercifully not the focal point of the episode.
Anytime you can give the Vanderpump Rules cast an unending supply of alcohol, you’re destined for greatness, friends.
Honestly, I was surprised when the episode curved at the very last minute when Stassi (drunkenly, duh) revealed that Kristen’s meltdown is entirely related to her sh*tty boyfriend Carter and has nothing to do with DJ James Kennedy.
(insert record scratch noise here.)
God bless Kristen Doute, she truly has the worst luck when it comes to dating in Los Angeles (same, girl, same.) Some dude is living in her home, rent free, and treating her like shit (not same, girl, yikes!) We have a Stassi/Patrick situation here people, which means there is a very good chance Carter is going to remark to Lisa about her ass.
I’m looking forward to seeing where this goes.
(Spoilers, they’re still together, as of last night. Expect the breakup to be announced on the reunion show.)
On to the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills…
So yeah. The Lisa/Kyle fight is about 8 seasons overdue, and it looks like we’ll finally get it (thank god.) Expect them to eventually reconcile because Kyle can’t stand having anyone be mad at her for very long. Such is the way of the Richards.
Before we get to the pool party, let’s address the Dorit/Lisa dog situation, shall we?
Dorit claims that the dog she adopted from Vanderpump Dogs bit PK on the nose, as well as was aggressive with her kids, so it had to go. Rather than return the pup to Vanderpump Dogs, she rehomed it with someone else—and the dog ultimately ended up in a shelter (don’t worry, it’s back in the lap of luxury at Vanderpump Dogs, now.)
Ok, I am calling bullsh*t on this. Anyone who has ever adopted a dog from a rescue knows you must return the dog to them if you decide it cannot stay with you any longer. They outline that part specifically when you adopt because they want to avoid an Ellen Degeneres type of situation. So Dorit knew what she was doing was wrong, and basically wanted a story line here.
Dorit was also dumb enough to think she could take control of the narrative away from Lisa Vanderpump. Dorit isn’t very bright, I suspect.
Anyway, the scandal of the dog is mentioned at Vanderpump Dogs when Teddi (sweet, beautiful, pawn that she is) and Kyle are there to pet puppies with their kids. Lisa expertly orchestrated for the dog to be brought out (she will go to her grave insisting she had nothing to do with that, but we all know she did) and then she made a show of refusing to talk about the situation with Teddi (who already knew, because the Executive Director of Vanderpump Dogs told her, apparently) and Kyle. Basically, forcing the issue to be discussed, and Lisa gets to play innocent and claim her hands were tied in the matter—that the truth would come out eventually and gosh, she told the Executive Director to drop the issue, but he had already told Teddi, and isn’t that a shame?
Well played, Vanderpump.
Dorit is of course going to drag this out, because she wants to turn the attention away from the “theft” at her house because sure, all their valuables were… stolen.
Anyway, this season is off to better start because Kyle Richards literally had a “Charcuterie Expert” (at least that’s what it said on the chyron) for her pool party so the ladies are as out of touch as ever. Denise Richards is looking to be a welcome addition to the cast—she’ll probably fulfill the Eileen Davidson voice of reason role, although hopefully she’ll be more interesting than Eileen. We’ll see.
…and what was Lisa Rinna doing? I’m glad you asked. She was doing yoga with goats. As you do.
And that friends, has been your week in trash TV. As I’ve mentioned in the past, I don’t watch Real Housewives of Atlanta anymore because Portia grated on my nerves too much, and frankly, they need Phaedra back—but if this season has been better, let me know in the comments. Consider this post your safe space to talk about all trash tv, because it’s my favorite subject.
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