Scandoval is here, frenemies and lovers! Fun fact: last week was originally the season finale. Once Scandoval broke, this episode was put together to cover the fallout.
We have a lot of Sandoval-hating to do, so let’s get to it. Here are this week’s Red Flags:
Sandoval and Ariana tell the story in dueling talking heads: Tom was performing with his dumb band, his phone fell out of his pocket, Ariana picked it up, and found a recording confirming their affair. Scheana recounts Raquel casually admitting to a seven-month affair. AHHH!
Sandoval hasn’t apologized?!? The gall! In their very white apartment, Ariana reads him for filth. He apologizes but doesn’t seem to get what he’s done.
Ariana tears into him for fucking her friend when she loved him when he was at his lowest. She calls Sandoval and Raquel disgusting for lying to her face.
Sandoval equivocates that Raquel gave him the respect Ariana hasn’t given him in a long time. He needed his mojo back. Ariana says, “so fuck my friend, then?!” Sandoval absolutely thinks he’s a tragic hero here.
Sandoval makes backhanded comments implying Ariana drove him to it. Ariana calmly stares him down like a lion before destroying him. She starts with “you are nothing” and ends with, “I regret ever loving you.” Nuclear was the only option here.
“Any last words before we never speak to each other again?” Sandoval’s mealy-mouthed response is that he thought they’d be together forever. Ariana did too, but then you decided to fuck her best friend. Sandoval acts as if this affair dropped out of the sky onto him.
Shocker: Schwartz is licking Sandoval’s wounds. Sandoval claims that everytime he wanted to tell Ariana, he’d get “a vibe” that she didn’t want to know. This is some 15-year-old thinking for a 40-year-old.
Sandoval waxes poetic about Raquel and how kissing her after taking shots made him FEEL SOMETHING!
Schwartz shrugs and says this is all relatable, but Sandoval still had every opportunity to come clean. He also says Sandoval’s bullshit is getting Schwartz canceled as his business partner. Sandoval wears an annoying e-boy lightning bolt earring.
Ariana has her friends over which include Scheana and Katie, who graciously set aside their feud (Katie was a ghost haunting Scheana’s wedding).
They gather the indignities and weigh them. They grieve and share their pain. Then they snap Sandoval’s penis flute in half.
James is in his kitchen insisting to Ally he’s not mad at Raquel. He’s mad at Sandoval for blah blah blah. It doesn’t matter, he’s just there to be Lauryn From Utah’s echo chamber because suddenly she’s here! LFU thinks this is one instance in a pattern for Sandoval and relates with editor assistance various times Sandoval has been suspected of fooling around.
James calls Raquel and puts her on speaker to ask her about Sandoval’s “stinky 40-year-old cock.” Wow, this is definitely the behavior of someone who’s over Raquel.
Sandoval and Raquel take shots and he toasts to being in hell. “Where we belong.” He wrings his hands about hurting Ariana. I’ve never heard anyone mean it less.
Raquel wonders aloud if it’s a good idea to commit to someone who could cheat on his partner for 7 months. He does the limpest tap dance about how no that won’t happen baby. They giggle and embrace. Why does anyone believe this man?
Lisa Vanderpump has Ariana over to her palace and grills Ariana for details. Ariana says Raquel better move and change her name to Rachel.
Lisa’s unhelpful summation via talking head is that the sexual connection wasn’t there and then here comes Raquel. “What man could resist?” Barf.
Katie stops by Schwartz’s to dig up the truth. How long did Schwartz know? He mumbles it was a month ago.
Katie keeps this fool in the hot seat and the truth comes out: Schwartz learned about it in September 2022. Scandoval happened in March 2023. He knew the whole time.
Kirstin Doute drops by Ariana’s to commiserate about being cheated on by Sandoval. Ariana’s regretful that it took her 9 years to learn of his true shittiness. Kristin is forgiving about Sandoval kissing Ariana while he was with Kristin. She leads Ariana to make a pledge to true self love.
We cut from this to Sandoval wallowing in self-pity before a grimacing Lisa in her parlor. He’s overcome with how hurt he is! By his own actions! He hyperventilates! Ugh, enough.
Ariana holds court at a bar with the various ladies of the show on how terrible both Toms are. Then Schwartz walks in. Everyone hisses as he asks Ariana to come get a drink with him at the bar.
Schwartz claims that he’s being dragged through the mud too. There’s boycotts of all Tom ventures! Ariana says it’s entirely on Sandoval and says he apologized to Schwartz & Sandy’s before he apologized to her. Bring us the head of Sandoval!
Sandoval wants Scheana to hear him out in her cozy home.
He sobs out an apology and claims he was going to break up with Ariana regardless. “But ya didn’t. You fucked her best friend.”
Sandoval cops to cheating one other time, but won’t give details. Scheana lays into him for not having the tough conversation and breaking up with Ariana. She’ll miss him, but she can’t support Sandoval anymore. She ends their friendship and goes to make her baby dinner.
We’ll be back next week for Reunion Part 1 (of 3)!
Red Flags: 15/♾️
Iconic Shot of the Episode: Ariana’s friend Logan snaps Sandoval’s penis flute over his knee with a cheer. It’s the small victories.
Chris Revelle shrieks into the media void with his pals on Why Did We Watch This?