By Chris Revelle | TV | May 11, 2023 |
By Chris Revelle | TV | May 11, 2023 |
Welcome back to the ass-backward world of Vanderpump Rules, where we take sandwiches seriously, goddamnit! Last week, Lauryn From Utah very nearly sleuthed her way to Scandoval, and Sandoval himself was defending his life as Ariana learned of his lies.
This week, there’s Something About Her, and Ariana is assailed by Sandoval’s bullshit. Here are this week’s Red Flags:
Schwartz and Sandy’s update: you still can’t open if you haven’t hired line cooks. The Toms marinate in the shame they made for themselves.
Sandoval continues to pave his pathway out of his relationship with Ariana by characterizing her as combative (because she shuts down his dumb jokes?) and unsupportive (because she doesn’t buy batteries regularly …?). Such are the straws he grasps at to justify leaving her while she grieves her recently-passed dog and grandmother. Given this infamous interview, it doesn’t seem like Sandoval has much compunction.
Ariana chats with Sandoval about SAH’s soft launch event. The font on the name card looks very Times New Roman (Fancy).
Sandoval takes this moment to tell Ariana that he feels she lashes out at him and they’re not connected like they should be. Ariana patiently replies that that doesn’t compute because he’s never around and always wants to party. He entertains everyone and then she gets the leftovers. Sandoval brings up that they don’t have sex often and Ariana very patiently replies that he feels like a stranger and they need more quality time to have sex. Her energy is depressed, but she advocates for herself admirably. Sandoval doesn’t seem super willing to work this out as much as he wants to check the box that he broached the subject.
The editors remind us in the shadiest way that “DJ” James Kennedy is like, umpteenth-billed in the Imagine line-up. He preens about it in the talking head, but the music sting is a catty descending motif.
Ally confronts James about his explosive behavior, like how he lost his mind on the beach. She urges him to seek a therapist to work through his issues and he resists at first. How dare you suggest he has childhood trauma, Ally! He eventually agrees to go to an appointment.
In Schwartz’s apartment, the Toms reflect on THE KISS and regret the drama this has caused. Yes, only this. It rings pretty hollow given the affair is already happening offscreen. Schwartz is the worst at running cover.
Are you ready for a taste of Something About Her?! At the launch event, Lisa Vanderpump swans in and says that ladies get it done.
Lisa grants an audience to James and Ally, praising James for going to therapy. “He needs a strong bit in his mouth,” she says of James, in a talking head. He fumes with embarrassment. Normalize therapy!
SAHlebration at SUR! Too clumsy a portmanteau?
Sandoval takes partial responsibility for the state of his relationship in a talking head. How big of him! Maybe he could also not cheat?
Schwartz bitches about THE KISS fall-out to … Katie’s Mom? Sure! She explains to him how shitty it is to fuck around in your friend group when your ex asked you not to and his vengeful ex Katie just watches, eyes bright. Schwartz seems to get it, but we’ll see.
Ariana and Raquel get lemon-drop shots and Ariana confides in Raquel that her relationship with Sandoval has become sexually inert. Raquel, Sandoval’s secret girlfriend, blinks hard before asking if Ariana is still attracted to Sandoval. Ariana thinks he’s “fucking hot” and I agree to disagree. The mustache wears him! Raquel gives mild but ambiguous advice: reconnect with Sandoval, but know when to walk away. Do I detect excitement in Raquel’s eyes? Save Ariana!
Over some SAHndwiches at SUR, Schwartz demonstrates how his “hippie friends” use lemons as a deodorant. Sigh.
Raquel comes right in, despite both Toms telling her not to, and sits down next to Katie. She compliments the sandwiches and then tells Katie that the Kiss isn’t a big deal. Katie isn’t in any place to control her ex’s behavior is her point. Katie launches every missile, and she mentions she doesn’t have a boyfriend amid the firefight. RIP Satchel?! Of course, LFU can’t resist calling Raquel a “c-nt.” Katie asks why Raquel is here stirring shit if she doesn’t want Schwartz. Because you’re on a show that doesn’t run on logic, Katie!
Katie’s mom becomes an active participant in the argument, yelling, “That’s a lie, Raquel!” Sandoval jumps in but can’t defend his secret lady against the overinvolved parent.
Ariana cries, emotionally exhausted by the whole situation. She feels torn between Katie and Raquel. Lisa points out that Schwartz is hiding behind a plant as the fight plays out. She stays by Ariana’s side while Sandoval stays away.
Raquel storms off and bitches with Schwartz. Katie stomps over in full rage bringing, “Dark days for you, buddy!” before leading him outside to continue yelling. Raquel follows to keep the fight going and attempts an apology before retreating.
“We’re done!” Katie screams as she stomps back inside to Lisa’s birthday cake being cut. Lisa gives a speech about all of the sex gremlins of SUR’s struggles and their deep love for each other as we end. The irony!
The finale is next week! Ariana says, “I regret ever loving you.” Scandoval arrives!
Red Flags: 10
Iconic Shot of the Episode: As Katie’s Mom shames Schwartz, Katie’s eyes gleam with vehement vindication.
Chris Revelle shrieks into the void with his pals on Why Did We Watch This?