All the Red Flags In This Week's Messy 'Vanderpump Rules'

By Chris Revelle | TV | April 13, 2023 |

By Chris Revelle | TV | April 13, 2023 |

It’s been quite an adventure since the last time we checked in with the hot messes “working” at Sexy Unique Restaurant in the very watchable sex nightmare known as Vanderpump Rules. The episodes that ran over the last few weeks were, reportedly, not re-edited in light of the revelation that trumpet-enthusiast Tom Sandoval cheated on Ariana Madix with Raquel Leviss during the events of the season. It makes for an interesting dramatic tension watching Ariana pal around with Raquel and hearing Raquel joke about sleeping with men in relationships, not knowing what’s coming. The latter led to Lauryn From Utah (we’ll get to her) misunderstanding the joke and flying off the handle, all leading to a drama in which Raquel was otherwise right, if not for our knowledge of Sandoval’s antics with her. Say what you will about this show being trash, but this is a viewing experience with rewarding layers uncommon in the erstwhile hinterlands of Bravo. We also learned “Raquel” is a stage name and Ms. Leviss’ given name is Rachel. This is being played as further proof of her duplicity, but I think if she wasn’t otherwise a villain in this grand drama, this wouldn’t be a big deal. People take on stage names all the time.

Before I rattle off the red flags of last night’s episode, let’s explain who people are. You know Tom Sandoval whose mustache disagrees with him, his best boyfriend Tom Schwartz with whom he co-owns some bars, his wronged ex Ariana Madix whom Sandoval cheated on, and Rachel “Raquel” Leviss with whom Sandoval cheated. I mentioned in passing Scheana Shay who’s akin to the cartoon Tasmanian Devil in energy, Lisa Vanderpump, the rich British lady who owns SUR among other nightlife spots, “DJ” James Kennedy who probably bleeds carcinogens and coke, but of course, there’s more, so to lightning-round this:

Katie Maloney is in music…? Sort of? She says she’s involved in music, so we’ll go with that. Katie was married to Schwartz (although it’s apparently unclear if they ever filed paperwork?) and their relationship together was an absolute mess. She and Schwartz are pretty childish, so go figure they’d both be childish together. Her break from Schwartz has left them mainly in different plotlines and from what I can tell, she’s ready to move on. Schwartz seems to see the Scandoval drama as an opportunity to relitigate their relationship.

Lala Kent Lauryn From Utah is a white lady from Utah who appeared in this cringey Christian film before she became “Lala” and started singing with a blaccent. Yup, she’s one of those! She refuses to learn the lessons of Iggy Azealea before her, and no, she’s not the least bit interested in how racist her behavior continues to be. She’s recovering from a potentially abusive relationship with Randall Emmett, a shlock producer who makes Redbox fodder with questionable cameos from Bruce Willis.

Ally Lewber is a fawn that has wandered into this den of tarantulas. She’s the new girlfriend of “DJ” James Kennedy, the personification of chainsmoking clove cigarettes, and she seems younger than everyone else there. Not only does Ally seem like she shouldn’t be out on a school night with all that AP Lit homework she has to do but she also seems way too Pollyanna to fit with Kennedy or the rest of VPR.

With that preamble out of the way, let’s go on Scheana’s destination wedding bonanza in Mexico! I’ve sorted this recap into red flags because these people are all cartoons and act accordingly.

Red Flag
While at the zillionth pre-wedding party, Schwartz and Raquel circle each other like horny gremlins before making out in a “private spot” behind a lattice wall so everyone else at the party could see and they cheered. Ew! In a talking head, sitting next to a colorful cocktail that is always full, Raquel describes the experience as Schwartz giving her “sweet delicate kisses” and I fully cringe out of my skin hearing that phrase in her fried baby voice.

There’s some yadda yadda about hiding this from people, especially Schwartz’s ex Katie, who editors remind us has told Schwartz in no uncertain terms to not fuck around with people inside their friend group. They’ve been divorced for about 7 months by this point, so make of that ultimatum what you will. On the one hand, you’re probably better off not accounting for your ex’s dick once you split up, but on the other, you know you’re both bound to stay in this hothouse of a friend group because you’re all mandated by production, so.

Anyway, this immediately blows up because Scheana calls Lauryn From Utah, firstly to ask why LFU has been bailing from all the wedding events and LFU puts her on speaker for the whole room to hear (including Katie who is on the outs with virtually everyone at the wedding, but decided to come anyway for some reason). Scheana ask if LFU saw Schwartz and Raquel K-I-S-S-I-N-G. Most of these people are approaching or are over 40, just a reminder!

Katie is devastated and pissed, only more so when Scheana’s fiance Brock slurs into the phone that people cheered because people just want to see Schwartz happy. Uh oh!

Red Flag
LFU, on Raquel: “she a ho, she’s a cheap dirty ho” as she throws her hands around.
Blaming the woman is fun, especially when you pour the blaccent on real thick. Sure two people did a thing, but we all know it’s always her fault only. Katie, for the record, says “Schwartz owes me more than this.”

Red Flag
While at another bar meet-up in this opulent Mexican resort with truly stunning views, Sandoval’s mustache, Sandoval, and Raquel really play up the kiss with Schwartz to Ariana, who honestly seems kind of tired of Raquel. Throughout the episode, she eyes Raquel warily and gives talking heads that indicate she thinks she’s being a mess. Meanwhile, the whole kiss and whatnot could be an elaborate decoy if Sandoval and Raquel are already secretly seeing each other at this point.

Red Flag
LFU is bailing on pre-wedding events like a hibachi dinner and an amazing spa day with salt caves. LFU would! When pressed by Scheana, LFU says that she isn’t attending events to support Katie and to shun Raquel. Scheana thinks that it’s foolish to allow this to get in the way of the wedding, but LFU doesn’t budge. I guess she hates Raquel more than she loves Scheana.

Red Flag
Katie mainly huddled with her clutch of supporters in her room and shit-talked the wedding. While the wedding actually happened, they stood on their balcony and live-bitched about it, watching the honestly very sweet ceremony in the hotel courtyard below them like the least fun Statler & Waldorf.

Red Flag
Schwartz meets up with James and Ally on the beach, where everyone looks deeply hung-over, and repeatedly claims kissing Raquel was like sticking it to the man because Raquel is disliked by so many people and this upsets their social order or something …? He also says it’s rock’n roll. Okay, sure, whatever straight men have to say to keep going.

James beats his chest about Schwartz going for his ex-fiancée of many moons ago and does a lot of dickhead posturing about Ally being off-limits. He shuts Ally down when she tries to stick up for herself. Later at a hibachi dinner, James and Raquel fully get into it at the table in front of everyone, sniping in a way that shows how totally over it they definitely are! Ally quickly finishes her drink and bounces to join Katie and her rebels. Ally, being on TV is not worth this!

Red Flag
In a meeting with Lisa, the restaurant manager of Sandy & Schwartz (a project of Sandoval’s and Schwartz’s with Lisa’s support) says they’re not ready to open on time. There’s virtually nothing established from menu to training. He tells Lisa that they’ve not listened to anything he’s told them or taken any of his attempts to teach them seriously. Lisa tries to handwave this away because they need this to work for the show and pushes the manager to open anyway. He solidly refuses; good for him! When confronted by Lisa, both Toms basically say “nuh uh!!!” Great sign for this budding business!

Red Flag
LFU ordered a Caesar salad while on a destination wedding trip in Mexico. COME ON. Might as well travel the globe to visit McDonald’s.

Red Flag
Schwartz crashes a private dinner Katie is having with her friend while the wedding reception happens at the hotel. This sets Katie off and she rages almost immediately. They both say dumb nonsense at each other and lash out. Schwartz doesn’t see what the big deal is. Katie says he’s gone “past the point of no return.” It’s truly an everyone-is-wrong feeling.

And speaking of: back at the reception, Raquel and LFU have a fight about making out with Schwartz and their own drama around feeling judged. Editors show that both have been hilariously, bluntly judgmental to each other. It’s another moment for Team No One, for when no one is right. They basically hiss insults at each other and then walk away, each trying to toss off the last word as casually as possible.

Red Flag count: 9
Iconic Shot of the Episode: Katie huddled in a hotel bathrobe and a full face of make-up, glowering with a fury at the wedding. I cackled.

Chris Revelle is a chatterbox with a lot of thoughts about media and can be heard shrieking about them on the podcast Why Did We Watch This?