film / tv / substack / social media / lists / web / celeb / pajiba love / misc / about / cbr
film / tv / substack / web / celeb

vanderpump-beach.jpg

All the Red Flags in this Week's 'Vanderpump Rules'

By Chris Revelle | TV | April 27, 2023 |

By Chris Revelle | TV | April 27, 2023 |


vanderpump-beach.jpg

Last week, on the greasy ship of fools we know as the HMS Vanderpump Rules, Lauryn from Utah had a birthday, Raquel turned Oliver down after learning things with his wife might not be completely over, Katie called Raquel a “whore” a lot, Sandoval seemed to be formulating an exit from his relationship with Ariana, and both Toms found out that (oops!) restaurants need a lot of work to open and theirs can’t open on time, and the word “mistress” was uttered so often that it lost all meaning. Also, Raquel and LFU made up a little? We’ll see if that holds.

We’re drawing ever closer to Scandoval, my friends! I for one was looking forward to more bar & grille shenanigans with the Toms, but I guess that has to wait because this week, we go to the beach and have a miserable time together because everyone’s mad, hooray! The editors come out strong and shady in the previouslies with an ancient clip from season 2 wherein Sandoval (with BANGS) confesses to kissing Airana at the Golden Nugget casino in Vegas, an “all-time low.” He was in a relationship with Kristin Doute at the time, so this feels a pretty clear omen.

Red Flag
Katie makes a stiff screwdriver to get over her hangover from LFU’s birthday festivities. She asks her dog not to judge her. Katie mentions she and Schwartz aren’t fully divorced, so she’s not trying to have a big relationship with Satchel. LFU and Katie derive a lot of pleasure from talking about how Raquel is being called a mistress all over the internet. I never want to hear this word again!

They go on to dish about Ally’s intel (she saw Raquel and Sandoval dancing together one night when Ariana was not present) and whether Raquel is up to something. They land on “seems likely.” Sigh, literally last night LFU told Raquel she’s not a mistress at her very important Mistress No More Summit. On a dime does this wobbly body politick turn.

Red Flag
While lunching together by a food truck, the Toms wear hangover shades and catch up. Schwartz says that he feels like Raquel might have a crush on someone else. Sandoval stares for a loooooooooooong beat through his sunglasses before going, “…yeah?” Someone calls out an order for Tom, cutting this incredible moment short. Sandoval bitches about Ariana wanting to have kids and he’s seeming awfully medium about fertilizing her eggs. He says in a talking head that he has fundamental doubts about his future with Ariana. That’s so cool he could say that to a camera and not to his girlfriend. I have no idea when this was filmed, but if he had these kinds of doubts, maybe bring that up directly with her? Like maybe instead of cheating? Just a thought!

Red Flag
While James, strangely serene, makes a sandwich, Ally worries aloud that her seeing Sandoval and Raquel together is something she should talk to Ariana about. She’s concerned she’s stumbled into drama she doesn’t want to get involved in. Ally, you are too normal for this show. James, possibly created in a lab to only do this show, dives right in, wildly speculating that because Katie said the phrase “no rules” in some regard to Ariana and Sandoval, this must mean they have an open relationship. Seems like a huge reach, but okay. Ally wonders if that’s the case, maybe she should just mention it to Ariana. James tells her it’s probably not a great idea to get involved. This whole exchange is only more surreal because James’ energy is mellow and he’s not screaming or being a meathead (YET).

Red Flag
Katie and Ariana are officially leaseholders for their sandwich shop, Something About Her. I find laughing about that name irresistible, but I love sandwiches and Ariana deserves a win. The gals spend a moment spit-balling ideas for their new shop space as they walk around it and Lisa Vanderpump slinks in. She spends like 5 seconds talking about the future of this sandwich shop before immediately asking for the latest goss. Lisa doesn’t think kissing Oliver is a huge deal, even if Oliver isn’t fully divorced. He’s separated and hell, if Lisa was too, she’d go “have a snog” herself! And besides, she says, it’s not like anyone else on this show behaves. Ariana agrees and supports the idea that it’s really not that big a deal. “She’s a ho,” Katie says, obstinately. Lisa tries to cajole her to take that back, but she just keeps repeating “she’s a ho” before concluding, “I hate her.” Sigh.

Red Flag
LFU and James meet at a bar to talk shit. Ostensibly they’re getting lunch, but they spend a lot more time shit-talking Raquel. James insists in a talking head that he’s soooooooooo over Raquel. She’s nothing to him! Great way to show that. Whenever I want to show that I’m over someone, I find that talking about them ad nauseum does the trick. They decide to invite a bunch of people to the beach, reading the idea off a cue card held by an assistant behind the camera. We need to push these frenemies into confrontation somehow!

Red Flag
Ariana’s grandmother passed away suddenly, so she had to go be with her family. Sandoval isn’t with her and I have no idea if that’s the show’s or his decision to stay. It feels like going with your partner when there’s a death in the family is something you should do, but who knows. Sandoval’s face as he relays this info to the camera is maybe just hungover, maybe recalculating how long you should wait before dumping your girlfriend; I’m 50/50, but it’s probably both. The Toms go to a fertility specialist together and we have to hear a doctor discuss their sperm on camera. What a treat for us all. The doctor tells Sandoval that his viable sperm quality is pretty low. Sandoval wonders if it’s drinking or stress? “Drinking, drugs, tight clothes…” the doctor lists as Sandoval looks down at his cigarette jeans. The doc says they should take a few months, make some changes, and see if his morphology improves.

Red Flag
Ally tells Scheana about what she saw (Raquel + Sandoval dancing together - Ariana) and relays the reluctant theory that maybe Sandoval and Ariana are in an open relationship. Scheana quickly shuts this down, saying those are two of her best friends and this would be the first she’s heard of it. She also says that Katie was wrong to put that out there with her “no rules” comment. Ally asks if Scheana would feel comfortable if it were her husband dancing with LFU at 2:30 am and Scheana says that would be fine. In her view, they’re all friends and trust each other. Why would that be weird? Normally I would side with Scheana here, but knowing what we know… AHHHHH. Anyway, Ally’s eyes go wide as Scheana tells her she’s absolutely going to confront Sandoval about this the next time they see each other. Just in time for that beach date!

Red Flag
Everyone goes to the beach! Satchel wears tube socks (to the beach?!) and is a goob. Schwartz can’t wrap his head around Katie dating Satchel. He can’t bear to imagine their dogs hopping into bed with Katie and Satchel. Scheana arrives and bee-lines it for Sandoval to confront him about dancing with Raquel. Sandoval sighs elaborately but doesn’t answer to the charges directly. He responds with how people are being so mean to Raquel. Scheana eagerly agrees and confirms Sandoval and Ariana aren’t in an open relationship. Sandoval vehemently confirms, seemingly off the hook for now.

Red Flag
James flips out as soon as someone mentions Rachella, the music festival/marriage proposal he threw for Raquel. You see, he’s going to Atlanta to DJ at Imagine and Schwartz asks if it’ll top Rachella in epicness or something. James blows up. He’s OVER RAQUEL okay?!?! Schwartz tries to clarify that he was kidding, but we’re off to the races. Ally seems helpless while this meltdown happens and I can’t say I blame her. The whole thing seems a little producer-prodded, but it escalates rapidly. James tears into Schwartz and his proposal to Katie and the two start fighting over who’s stronger and faster and can do a better headlock.

Ally and Scheana walk away to the water so Ally can vent. She kept asking if he’s okay since THE KISS at the wedding and he kept saying it’s okay. Welp!

Red Flag
The boys! Keep! Fighting! James says his proposal to Raquel was a mistake and Schwartz has been a dick ever since he made out with Raquel and now she’s best friends with Schwartz. Incredibly mature. James throws his drink at Schwartz at some point. As the man-fights are wont to do on this show, the battle ends abruptly and they shake hands. The whiplash! James crawls over to an obviously pissed Ally to pout that she’s not asking if he’s okay. Ally reads him for his behavior and good for her! She stands up to him and draws a firm line. In a talking head, she says that if he’s not over Raquel, he shouldn’t be with her.

Red Flag
The whole crew migrates to a bar where Katie and LFU are hiding. They quietly dipped out from the beach because they didn’t want to be around all the drama. They all awkwardly sit together. Everyone sprawls in the lounge of the bar and picks over menus. Katie stage-whispers she doesn’t want to share food with anyone else but LFU. That’ll show ‘em!

Red Flag
Schwartz is in the process of trying to make up with James when LFU zeroes in and comes in WAY HOT. She’s all over Schwartz, not just for his Rachella joke, but for a host of other sins including being pals with her ex Randall Emmett (shlock producer). In a talking head, LFU seems to insinuate she sees this moment as an opportunity to unload it all onto him. I don’t know that she confronts him on any issue as much as just insults his character generally, but it changes the moment Schwartz snips at her about her beauty brand Give Them Lala. She screams at him for the gall of impugning the brand that pays for her daughter’s life. She stomps off to vent to Katie Maloney.

Red Flag
James gets 151 rum in his eyes while drinking from a volcano-themed cocktail and flails, wailing Ally’s name before running to the bathroom to wash his eye out. Once he’s back, Ally snaps at him to sit down and shut up, telling him that people are tired of him playing the fool. Piling drama on drama, Scheana asks LFU about her thoughts on the Oliver situation. LFU rehashes her Mistress No More summit with Raquel. Drama officially resolved, Scheana nods and turns to Katie, putting her squarely in the hot seat. She asks Katie why she told Ally Sandoval and Ariana had “no rules.” Katie furrows her brow and summons Ally to her side. As they rehash what we already know, Katie expounds in a talking head that she said Ariana and Sandoval don’t “keep each other on leashes” or keep super close tabs on each other. They don’t fully get to the bottom of this misunderstanding because Sandoval (who’s ?! number of drinks deep) loses his shit. He goes off on a semi-intelligible tear about people trusting and loving one another for who they are and it’s a florid meltdown, even for Sandoval. Katie smirks that it was “very poetic.”

The next weeklies hint at yet more people very nearly connecting the dots of Scandoval, but alas, we must wait for then. I know that the episodes immediately after news of Scandoval broke weren’t re-edited, but I’m curious about what we’re seeing now. They certainly feel like they’re consciously building to it!

Red Flags: 13 (down 3 from 16 last week)
Iconic Shot of the Episode: Satchel, with Katie in his lap on one side and LFU on the other, stares awkwardly into the middle distance as the two ladies shout their conversation at each other. You’ll be home playing Fortnite soon, lil buddy!

Chris Revelle is a chatterbox with a lot of thoughts about media and can be heard shrieking about them on the podcast Why Did We Watch This?