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"All I Can Think About Is Captain Mustache Plowing My Wife" and 36 More of the Best Lines from NBC's Thursday Night Comedies

By Dustin Rowles | TV | February 11, 2011 |

By Dustin Rowles | TV | February 11, 2011 |

Community (Grade: B+, A for Valentine’s Sweetness)

  • “We need a shorthand for the Barenaked Ladies? That’s how fundamental they are?”

  • “I’m a stylish American, Professor. I’ve been forcing myself to be into soccer since 2004.”

  • “If you have to ask if it’s homophobic to ask questions, haven’t you already answered your own question?”

  • “In England, ‘fanny’ means vagina, right?” “In England, everything means vagina.”

  • “Oooh. I love pizza! In England, we call them Italian fannies.”

    Perfect Couples (Grade: D-)

  • “Ugly girls don’t say ‘HiYee.’ They know they can’t pull it off.”

    The Office (Grade: B, A- for Drunkeness)

  • “Everything in life you want, you get. And you can’t work for it. It just comes to you.”

  • “Guys, I for one enjoy watching them because … it makes me horny.”

  • “What is the hook-up closet policy on masturbation?”

  • “No one is a bigger fan of sexual touching for me.”

  • “Anybody can be Prince Charming one day a year, with the dinner and flowers and all that. But you know what impresses me? When a guy can do that no days a year.”

    Parks and Recreation (Grade: A, Ron Swanson’s Mustache: A+)

  • “Whale tail! Whale tail! She’s flashing a whale tail. Abort.”

  • “You and I both know that, in my entire adult life, I’ve never checked a book out of the library.”

  • “I don’t what it is about big outdoor gatherings that makes everyone want to urinate all over everything. But it does. And they do.”

  • “All I can think about is Captain Mustache plowing my wife.”

  • “I know Tami seems scary, but really she’s just a manipulative, psychotic library-book pedaling she-demon.”

  • (Greatest Sitcom Montage Ever) “It’s been kind of a crazy night.”

  • (Ron, referring to his mustache) “I didn’t shave it off. It rubbed off. From friction.”

  • “You’re only thinking that because she’s a monstrous parasite who entered through your privates and lodged herself into your brain.”

  • “Gimme it.”

    30 Rock (Grade: A, Matt Damon: A+)

  • “Not only is your fly open, there’s a pencil sticking out of it.”

  • “Steven Spielberg’s wants you to star in his next movie.” “Kate Capshaw’s husband?!”

  • “Tracy Jordan asked me to accept this award on his behalf because his mouth is full.” “Pop tart!”

  • “Oh God, you’re breaking the extra bone all Canadians have in their hands.”

  • “Are we not even making our own meth? What is happening to American manufacturing?”

  • “If we were in Kenya now we’d be fine.”

  • “Maybe you want to fly the plane yourself. Good luck pushing take off, THEN auto pilot, THEN land.”

  • “Those potato chip bags are designed to be opened in-flight. If you open them at sea level, someone can get killed.”

  • “If I can’t poop in the street, why should my tax dollars pay for someone else to?”

  • “Al Sharpton would denounce him at a press conference on the street because Al Sharpton doesn’t have an office.”

  • “You built that bookshelf incorrectly.” “I didn’t. I wanted the books to slide off!”

  • “Are those contractions she’s having real? Because they sound very sitcommy.”

  • “I know. I’m a stereotype. All guys from Quebec are good at karate.”

  • “Oh My God! Where are my manners? Do you want to try meth?”

  • “Yes, my daughter is a Canadian American. But I’m going to treat her like a human being.”

  • “Let’s go find a Canadian who will take our money!”

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    Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.