"All I Can Think About Is Captain Mustache Plowing My Wife" and 36 More of the Best Lines from NBC's Thursday Night Comedies
By Dustin Rowles |
TV
|
February 11, 2011
Community (Grade: B+, A for Valentine’s Sweetness)
“We need a shorthand for the Barenaked Ladies? That’s how fundamental they are?”
“I’m a stylish American, Professor. I’ve been forcing myself to be into soccer since 2004.”
“If you have to ask if it’s homophobic to ask questions, haven’t you already answered your own question?”
“In England, ‘fanny’ means vagina, right?” “In England, everything means vagina.”
“Oooh. I love pizza! In England, we call them Italian fannies.”
Perfect Couples (Grade: D-)
“Ugly girls don’t say ‘HiYee.’ They know they can’t pull it off.”
The Office (Grade: B, A- for Drunkeness)
“Everything in life you want, you get. And you can’t work for it. It just comes to you.”
“Guys, I for one enjoy watching them because … it makes me horny.”
“What is the hook-up closet policy on masturbation?”
“No one is a bigger fan of sexual touching for me.”
“Anybody can be Prince Charming one day a year, with the dinner and flowers and all that. But you know what impresses me? When a guy can do that no days a year.”
Parks and Recreation (Grade: A, Ron Swanson’s Mustache: A+)
“Whale tail! Whale tail! She’s flashing a whale tail. Abort.”
“You and I both know that, in my entire adult life, I’ve never checked a book out of the library.”
“I don’t what it is about big outdoor gatherings that makes everyone want to urinate all over everything. But it does. And they do.”
“All I can think about is Captain Mustache plowing my wife.”
“I know Tami seems scary, but really she’s just a manipulative, psychotic library-book pedaling she-demon.”
(Greatest Sitcom Montage Ever) “It’s been kind of a crazy night.”
(Ron, referring to his mustache) “I didn’t shave it off. It rubbed off. From friction.”
“You’re only thinking that because she’s a monstrous parasite who entered through your privates and lodged herself into your brain.”
“Gimme it.”
30 Rock (Grade: A, Matt Damon: A+)
“Not only is your fly open, there’s a pencil sticking out of it.”
“Steven Spielberg’s wants you to star in his next movie.” “Kate Capshaw’s husband?!”
“Tracy Jordan asked me to accept this award on his behalf because his mouth is full.” “Pop tart!”
“Oh God, you’re breaking the extra bone all Canadians have in their hands.”
“Are we not even making our own meth? What is happening to American manufacturing?”
“If we were in Kenya now we’d be fine.”
“Maybe you want to fly the plane yourself. Good luck pushing take off, THEN auto pilot, THEN land.”
“Those potato chip bags are designed to be opened in-flight. If you open them at sea level, someone can get killed.”
“If I can’t poop in the street, why should my tax dollars pay for someone else to?”
“Al Sharpton would denounce him at a press conference on the street because Al Sharpton doesn’t have an office.”
“You built that bookshelf incorrectly.” “I didn’t. I wanted the books to slide off!”
“Are those contractions she’s having real? Because they sound very sitcommy.”
“I know. I’m a stereotype. All guys from Quebec are good at karate.”
“Oh My God! Where are my manners? Do you want to try meth?”
“Yes, my daughter is a Canadian American. But I’m going to treat her like a human being.”
“Let’s go find a Canadian who will take our money!”
