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The Television Season's Best Quotes: Ron Swanson Edition

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under TV Reviews | Comments (18)

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  • “I have been developing the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness for years. It’s a perfectly calibrated recipe for maximum personal achievement. Categories include: Capitalism, God’s way of determining who is smart, and who is poor. Crying, acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon. Rage. Poise. Property rights. Fish, for sport only, not for meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.”

  • “The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I’m not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.”

  • “Now, I know I’m not going to find somebody that’s both aggressively mean and apathetic. April really is the whole package.”

  • “You had me at meat tornado.”

  • “I’m surrounded by a lot of women in this department. And that includes the men.”

  • “When I walked in this morning I saw that the flag was at half mast, I though, ‘All right, another bureaucrat ate it!’ And then I saw it was Lil’ Sebastian. Half mast is too high. Show some damn respect.”

  • “I am submitting this menu from a Pawnee institution, J.J.’s Diner. Home of the world’s best breakfast dish: The Four Horsemeals of the Eggporkalypse.”

  • “You may have thought you heard me say I wanted a lot of bacon and eggs, but what I said was: Give me all the bacon and eggs you have.”

  • (On fishing) “It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.”

  • “Encapsulate the spirit of melancholy. Easy. Boom, a sad desk. Boom, sad wall. It’s art. Anything is anything.”

  • “I am off to have a mid-morning pre-lunch with my lady friend, but I will be back in time for lunch.”

  • “The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.”

  • “It’s never too early to learn that the government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teet until they have sore, chapped nipples. I’m gonna need a different metaphor to give this nine year old.”

  • “Leslie, you need to understand that we are headed to the most special place on earth. When I’m done eating a Mulligan’s meal, for weeks afterwards there are flecks of meat in my mustache and I refuse to clean it because every now and then a piece of meat will fall into my mouth.”

  • (His museum speech) “Shut up. And look at me. Welcome to Visions of Nature. This room has several paintings in it. Some are big and some are small. People did them and they are here now. I believe after this is over they will be hung in government buildings. Why the government is involved in an art show is beyond me. I also think it’s pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they can go outside and stand in it.”

  • “The whole thing is a scam. Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.”

  • “I won’t publicly endorse a product unless I use it exclusively. My only official recommendations are U.S. Army issued mustache trimmers, Morton’s salt, and the C.R. Lawrence Fein two inch axe-style scraper oscillating knife blade.”

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    Comments

    Posted by: Three-nineteen at May 23, 2011 11:18 AM

    • Also any instance when he says, "Bully".

    Posted by: Odwalla Imparts at May 23, 2011 11:23 AM

    Yes. Yes. Yes.

    Posted by: D.P. at May 23, 2011 11:28 AM

    YES. SO MUCH YES.

    Though my absolute favorite was his delivery of

    "I didn't shave it. It rubbed off. From friction."

    I love that man.

    Posted by: Figgy at May 23, 2011 11:37 AM

    So not only does this exist, but you have denied people cake?

    Plus it's always fun to see Tom faint.

    Posted by: Odwalla Imparts at May 23, 2011 11:54 AM

    What the f--k is a German muffin?

    There are three acceptable haircuts. High and tight, crewcut, buzzcut. ARE THE SCISSORS BROKEN IN YOUR HOUSE, SON?

    I'm gonna type every word I know! Rectangle. America. Megaphone. Monday. Butthole.

    Posted by: Tammy at May 23, 2011 12:12 PM

    Ron Swanson has been known to make me weep with joy. If the makers of the show Glee had not ruined the word, that is actually the word I would use to describe The Ron Swanson Effect.

    Thanks for ruining the GLEE, Glee. And Jill Scott.
    RUINERS!

    Sparkly Hat Dance!!!!!! EEEEEEEEEE!!!!

    Posted by: Stacy D at May 23, 2011 12:17 PM

    "This is hamburger. It is made of meat and served on a bun with nothing else. You can put ketchup on it if you want. I don't care."

    The lines on their own are great, but Offerman's delivery is what puts them into the stratosphere.

    Posted by: Socrates_Johnson at May 23, 2011 12:28 PM

    I need to be watching WAY MORE(read: Any) of this show.

    I've seen a handful of episodes and I am basically in love with Ron Swanson. A love he'll never return and may openly mock, to my face.

    And I'm okay with that.

    Posted by: Nadine at May 23, 2011 12:48 PM

    "Catching the number twelve bus to Satan's butthole? "

    "Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into SWANSONS."

    Seriously, this could just keep going and going.

    Posted by: Figgy at May 23, 2011 1:04 PM

    What the ka-fuck were you thinking?

    Posted by: Vick at May 23, 2011 1:28 PM

    I have only seen various clips on youtube but I frikking love this man. Watching Him and Tammy together is televisual joy.

    Posted by: Nieve 'The Threadkiller Queen' at May 23, 2011 6:13 PM

    Dont forget my favourite


    I was born ready. Im Ron Fucking Swanson.


    Pus his description of ex wife tammy and Leslie's face as he just goes on getting more discriptive in his loathing and vitriol.

    Posted by: Nieve 'The Threadkiller Queen' at May 23, 2011 6:16 PM

    If it were possible to elect Ron Swanson as the leader of the free world. The man is simply an inspiration for us all!

    Posted by: Revenant Shadow at May 23, 2011 7:51 PM

    I hate that the writers of that show made me love such an unrepentant libertarian asshole, BUT I LOVE RON SWANSON, HE IS THE GREATEST MAN EVER BESIDES MR. SNUGGIEPANTS WHO IS ACTUALLY A LOT LIKE RON SWANSON.

    Posted by: Snuggiepants at May 23, 2011 11:31 PM

    This is the greatest post and thread of all time. I wish I had a quote or two to add, but I'm laughing too hard to think.

    Posted by: dsbs at May 24, 2011 4:05 PM

    I precisely wanted to thank you so much yet again. I do not know what I might have accomplished without the entire creative ideas shown by you directly on such a subject. Certainly was a very troublesome concern for me personally, but coming across the very expert technique you treated it forced me to weep over fulfillment. Extremely grateful for this work as well as wish you recognize what a powerful job you have been accomplishing educating the rest using your webpage. Most probably you have never met any of us.

    Posted by: quit smoking at May 26, 2011 4:21 AM

    Chris: "If I win?"
    Ron: "If you win, you get the rarest prize of all, victory over Ron Swanson"

    Posted by: Hogan at June 15, 2011 11:49 AM