You Yelled, We Listened: Your Television Pet Peeves, Sort of Ranked
Last week, I put out a call asking for all your television pet peeves, all the little mistakes that show up on screen and get under you skin and take you out of the reality of the show. And oh boy did you deliver. There were hundreds of peeves listed. I’ve compiled the top however many, loosely ranked with a totally arbitrary system I made up as I went, grouping items together as I saw fit, with a not-at-all consistent point system based in however I remembered to count items and upvotes. You know, totally scientific. Well, as scientific as the science on most shows on television.
From ‘rubs you the wrong way’ to ‘GET IT OFF MY TELEVISION,’ here are the things you all hate the most.
A few general logistics
If you’re in a club and not yelling, no one can hear you. Also, an air duct can not hold the weight of an adult human, and when choosing an exterior location, why not try to match it to the floor plan inside?
Honorable mention to the new knowledge that wills don’t actually get read aloud. Huh.
DOES NO ONE SAY GOODBYE BEFORE HANGING UP THE PHONE?
So everyone just eats whatever they want and still fits into their size 2 costumes? Likewise, does no one ever need to use a bathroom?
People are REALLY bad at their jobs.
Doctors and lawyers, especially, for the most part, but also, what kind of bartender or waiter is always home at night?
Does no one know how to have sex?
Does no one on television wear a condom? Or maybe they never take it off after? And you do know sex is just as fun if you take your bra OFF, right?
Oh, and while we’re on the subject, pregnancy and labor are a little more complicated than they look on television.
Not locking your door
This is how you get murdered!
Perfect hair and makeup ALL THE TIME
KATE, THAT IS NOT WHAT A PERSON STRANDED ON AN ISLAND FOR YEARS LOOKS LIKE.
Even worse than annoying, whiny children (according to you all) are the children who talk/read/think/give advice way above what their age level would indicate, and they do it en masse.
Basically everything having to do with food
Unless the bar has old fashioneds on tap, cocktails don’t materialize that fast. Similarly, unless you are Frank Gallagher or a Cheers character, you can’t just order “a beer.” And for the love of all that is tasty, if you order food at a restaurant, STICK AROUND TO EAT IT. Maybe that’s why no one needs a toilet on TV.
Baffling everyday objects
Things people on television don’t know how to handle: phones, coffee cups, pizza boxes, jewelry (you can’t just rip a necklace off someone without then needing to replace the clasp, okay?), musical instruments, babies, and money. Why does no one EVER count their change (or ransoms)? Also, weapons, and does no one’s gas tank ever need refilling? Like, ever?
Everyone lives SO FAR ABOVE THEIR MEANS
Money? What’s money? Likewise, how is everyone’s house so clean on shows where literally no one has ever cleaned onscreen?
Even if you do fall asleep in full makeup, that’s not what it looks like when you wake up. Plus, who consistently has this much time in the morning? Everyone’s always so cheery, the sun is so bright, and there’s always time for breakfast at Luke’s. What planet is this?
WHY DOES NO ONE CHARGE THEIR LAPTOPS? Also, no one uses Bing, and hacking doesn’t work like that.
This took a bunch of forms, but had the most mentions and upvotes. You can’t just remove a bullet with tweezers and be fine. CPR isn’t that effective, that often. And you can’t just knock someone unconscious by hitting them with the nearest object. Oh, and if you do, that person may have some serious brain damage.