Friends, family, and even strangers often approach me, and they ask, “Dustin. you have such a good head on your shoulders. How do you keep your sanity? You’re so wise! What’s your secret?”
I’ve held out on that secret for years thinking I’d one day encapsulate it into book form and make millions, but I’ve decided, for you — our loyal and gracious readers — that I’d share my secret with you. Essentially, everything you ever needed to know to get through life you can learn from 1980’s comedies. In fact, you don’t even need to watch them all. For you, I’ve condensed my life’s philosophy down into ten statements, words of wisdom that I live every day of my life by. And now you, too, can follow these ten maxims and be a famous internet personality just like me!
10. “Go that way, really fast. If something gets in your way, turn.” — Charles De Mar. Better Off Dead
9. ” Be excellent to each other.” — Abraham Lincoln. Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure.
8. “Screws fall out all the time, the world is an imperfect place.” — John Bender. The Breakfast Club
7. “Stop feeling sorry for yourself. It’s bad for your complexion.” Randy. Sixteen Candles
6. “If you were happy every day of your life you wouldn’t be a human being. You’d be a game-show host.” — Veronica Sawyer. Heathers
5. “If you start out depressed everything’s kind of a pleasant surprise.” — Lloyd Dobbler. Say Anything
4. “Nerds, jocks. My side, your side. It’s all bullshit. Its hard enough just trying to be yourself.” — Ronald Miller. Can’t Buy Me Love
3. “People on ‘ludes should not drive!” Jeff Spicolli. Fast Times at Ridgemont High
2. “Everything is not an anecdote. You have to discriminate. You choose things that are funny or mildly amusing or interesting. Have a point. It makes it SO much more interesting for the listener!” — Neal. Planes, Trains, and Automobiles.
1. “Life moves pretty fast. You don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” — Ferris Bueller. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off