If you have a Facebook account then you have probably come across some advertisements for Wish.com, a website filled with miscellaneous offerings shipped directly from China to your house. By directly I mean anywhere from a week to several months post-order and by miscellaneous offerings I mean strange stuff that may or may not be what you receive.
According to Wikipedia, Wish began in 2010 but the viral what-the-f*ckery of its stock seems to be a recent phenomenon. I have ordered from Wish multiple times, receiving some really nice quality rings, a surprise item that turned out to be a pot leaf necklace, and some supposed chrome finish powder to use on nails. It’s a fun game of roulette where the cost is low (some items cost only shipping and many less than $5) and the chance of actually getting what you paid for is an acceptable risk.
Perhaps the most entertaining part of the entire website is the inexplicable product offerings and the imagery that accompanies some of it. Let’s play a little game of Guess The Wish Product Being Shown!
This is obviously a pocket p*ssy, which is something you don’t want to purchase from anywhere that doesn’t regulate the materials used in it. That’s just asking for willy rashes, you know? It could be made of asbestos held together by KY Jelly and spit, which is counterproductive to a penis party in a false vagina, you know? Even if it is a paltry $14 plus shipping, don’t stick your dick in questionably sourced pretend hoobies. Shop local.
Okay, this is clearly a flesh-eating bacteria trapped in a stomach sticker that people use to lose weight. Maybe even a tapeworm transfer system that places the parasite directly into the part of the body you want to slim down. That is a true bargain at $0 plus shipping, friends. I assume the tapeworms available on Amazon need to be swallowed manually instead of absorbed through osmosis and I scoff at that. SCOFF!
OH DAMN, IT TALKS! TAPEWORM TUMMY STICKER CONFIRMED.
Okay, I know exactly what this is: it’s a cult leader starter kit. Everyone knows that cult leaders are either white guys with charisma that entrances simple people predisposed to be followers OR women that coat themselves in dark pigments and use a combination of fear and sexuality to pull in cult members. This is clearly for the latter, allowing them to pop on that smoky Satan eye, coat their fingertips in darkness to up the drama of your run of the mill ritual, and do both for $1 plus shipping. That’s just good cult money management.
It’s a pinkeye grow kit, now in matte, metal, and glitter finishes!
It’s like my grandfather always said, “In order to fight the tiny army of evil fairies, sprites, and mosquitos planning to attack us in 2022, you need a tiny knife at a tiny price.” Thanks, Wish. I didn’t think I would be able to find the perfect weapon to hold back the tiny uprising set to occur in three years time but you’ve saved us all.
Ah, yes. It’s the “Shut The F*ck Up, Carol, We Are Just Trying To Have ONE Family Get-Together Without You Proving You Are A Racist. Why Are You This Way, Carol? You Know What, DON’T ANSWER. EVER.” jaw closer! Holidays are about to get a lot quieter for a mere $1 plus shipping.
Header Image Source: Wish.com