I love the Hollywood Issue of “Vanity Fair.” I love “Vanity Fair” in general, it’s true, but the Hollywood Issue with its featured portfolio of Hollywood notables (oftentimes that year’s Academy Award nominees) has always been a favorite. In fact, as I’ve mentioned before, I used to rip out those photographs and tape them up in my room. I was a special child. When I was flipping through this year’s issue, however, I had a few “WHAT IN ZE HAIL?!” moments. For your reference, here’s the cover:
Wrong: Burying Rashida Jones and This Lion Cub On The Third Fold. Much has been made of the inclusions of Robert Duvall on this year’s cover. Listen, Duvall is a Hollywood legend and if he wants to be the meat in a Mila Kunis Joseph Gordon-Levitt sammich, I don’t think any of us in Pajiba nation will blame him. Weirder than Duvall, in my opinion, is the decision to have actress Rashida Jones bottle-feed a baby lion. None of the other actors have baby animals! What does this have to do with the swanky night club theme? If you’re going to have something that jarring on your cover, Vanity Fair, don’t bury it on the third fold, that makes it seem as if you know it was an odd choice.
Wrong: Trying To Legitimize Halle Berry’s Inclusion. Two things, first of all Halle Berry is a smoking hot lady who is also quite talented. Second of all, there are no actors or actresses of color nominated for an Academy Award this year. Unless we count Javier Bardem. Which we don’t. So I understand “Vanity Fair” not wanting to have an entirely white portfolio, and I understand picking Halle Berry who is, as I’ve mentioned, a smoking hot lady who is also quite talented. But to try to say in their blurb that “the Academy is now grappling with another Berry star turn” is to seriously overstate the viability of Frankie & Alice. Hey, “Vanity Fair” why not just say: “Here’s Halle Berry, a smoking hot lady who is also quite talented.”
Wrong: Messing with Olivia Wilde’s Chest. Okay, I’ll grant you that Olivia Wilde does not have a LOT going on in the rack department. She’s not Halle Berry, fine. But not everyone has to be. The cover already has the boobtacular Anne Hathaway and Jennifer Lawrence. No need to get all handsy, Mr. Photoshopper. Oh, now look what you’ve done, Olivia Wilde’s right breast has entirely melted into her torso. I hope you’re happy now.
Wrong: Calling Danny Boyle one of “The New Breed.” Didn’t Trainspotting come out over a decade ago? Wasn’t the hugely popular 28 Days Later… a film from 2002? DIDN’T HE WIN AN ACADEMY AWARD TWO YEARS AGO?!
Wrong: Letting Helena Bonham Carter Do Anne Hathaway’s Hair. It takes a certian je ne sais crazy to pull off the signature Bonham Carter “I Brush My Hair With A Badger” coiffure and I’m sorry but dear Ms. Hathaway ain’t got it.
So Right It Hurts: Letting Helena Bonham Carter Do Her Own Hair. Let the queen show you how it’s done. So right. So right.
Joanna Robinson apologizes for the quality of some of these photos. They are the Vanity Fair “Behind the Scenes” snaps and, as such, have an intentionally “I just took this with my Instamatic, on the fly! Look how candid!” blurriness to them.