Today, as I’m sure you’re aware, was the Super Bowl. But this day isn’t just the Super Bowl of football. It’s also the Super Bowl of commercials. In a year that was sponsored by beer-flavored garbage water but also very heavy on the anti-drunk driving ads (you go, Super Bowl), here are 15 products, most of which we would never buy, and never even consider buying, except that these multi-million dollar commercials are making us rethink ourselves.
15. Amy & Seth’s Bud Light
Let’s be real. I am never going to pay money for a Bud Light. But Seth Rogen and Amy Schumer got to make dick joke and talk about Paul Rudd love during the Super Bowl, so this is the most I’ve ever at least wanted to want to buy this swill water.
14. Willem Dafoe Snickers
I liked last year’s Danny Trejo ads. But Willem Dafoe in a Marilyn dress, yelling about the patriarchy? I want whatever he’s selling. The fact that it’s chocolate is just a bonus.
13. Starman Audi
They went for all the feels with this one and I hate them for it.
These puppies went full Vincent Adultman for these chips and now I need them.
11. Puppy Outfits Ketchup
The only problem with this ad is that it doesn’t really make me want ketchup. If this were an ad for pet costumes, it would be more effective.
Hulk/Ant-Man slashfic DOES make me want to buy tiny cokes.
Skip ahead to the 45 second mark for Goldblum.
If I can rent an apartment that comes with Jeff Goldblum narrating my life through song, I want it.
7. Rocket Mortgage
Oh, never mind the apartment, I want a mortgage. Support the local economy AND never have to talk to strangers? Sold.
6. Literally anything Key & Peele are selling
Websites? Sure. I’ll take four.
5. Prius bankrobbers
This ad has actually convinced me that the Prius might be the best option for a bank robbery getaway car. …You know, in theory.
This ad doesn’t make me want a Budweiser, but it DOES make me want to NOT drink a Budweiser, thereby ensuring that I drive safely. (And don’t have to drink garbage.)
Pokemon has never been my thing. This ad might have changed that.
2. Janelle Monae’s Pepsi
Look, I’m not so naive to think that buying and consuming Pepsi will make me more like Janelle Monae. I am, however, a human being and admittedly susceptible to advertising if I don’t think too hard about it. So excuse me while I buy a jukebox, a crate of Pepsi products, a glue gun, and a whole bunch of sequins and plastic jewels.
1. Umm… Sex?
What was this Super Bowl Babies song featuring Seal actually selling? Just straight-up Super Bowl night baby making? Cool.
And now, the DO NOT BUY list, based on their abysmal, terrifying, or just aggressively mediocre ads
Never mind what I said earlier. Puppies in trench coats be damned, I do not want to eat a chip that may induce labor.
Hard pass, thanks. If the answer to “Who am I” has anything to do with Scientology, I’d rather not know.