Like you, us Overlords have spent some time pondering what we might do if we’d won that obscene billion+ dollars from the Powerball Jackpot. Spoiler Alert: We didn’t. But if we had, oh what a world this would have been!
Jodi Clager: I would fund a proper Tales From The Crypt reboot - complete with Crypt Keeper. It would be on HBO or another pay channel and would follow the same format as the original iteration. I mean, when you have magic, why break what don’t fix? Wait.
Emily Chambers: I’m just going to be the asshole who says sex. Not like your average $5 handi. I mean I would Indecent Proposal the shit out of Hollywood’s eligiblest dudes.
Courtney Enlow: I would fund an MST3K reboot REBOOT with the entire original cast and crew AND Felicia Day, Patton Oswalt, et al.
Jodi: DITTO.There’s an idea in there that would allow different Mads to come in and out as the Satellite of Love careens through wormholes or time travels again.
Jodi: I would make a metric shit ton of female superhero movies and make sure there was plenty of merch to go along with them. Like, actual merch featuring the FEMALE stars of the movie with no bullshit excuses as to why exclusion of a lead character was okay because “girls don’t play with action figures”. Fuckers.
Courtney: I would hire Paul Feig to reboot every movie we love with chicks JUST TO FUCK WITH DUDES.
Jodi: I eagerly await the chick version of Escape from New York. I have no idea why that was the first thing to come to mind.
Courtney: Buffy season 8. BUFFY SEASON 8!
Genevieve Burgess: I’d buy the rights to the Dirk Gently novels back from Max Landis because fuck that guy.
Jodi: This is turning into a real Misandry We Would Fund With Billions Of Dollars.
Courtney: I would call my winnings “My Misandry Millions.” (For alliteration and because the rest would go to, like, student loans and a new car. The uszhe.)
Genevieve: I’d fund Pacific Rim 2 and my only demand would be that Del Toro keep Mako and Raleigh the bestest of buddies AND NOTHING MORE.
Kristy Puchoo: Three words: Crimson Peak sequel.
Petr Knava: Give Guillermo Del Toro all of it. Just all of it. Let the man actually make some of those amazing fucking movies we keep getting teased with and then cruelly deprived of.
Courtney: I would hire Tiffani Thiessen to come cook for me. I watched a lot of Cooking Channel on maternity leave and Kelly Kapowski can COOK.
Jodi: I would also bring back Happy Endings, but not on lameass Hulu.
Genevieve: Pay for the simulcast of Hamilton to every theater in the country. I know this is mostly a union contracts issue but if I know anything about unions I know that if you throw a lot of money at them, “contract issues” tend to go away.
Courtney: Genny is NOT throwing away her shot here.
Genevieve: I’d rather be divisive than indecisive.
Rebecca Pahle: Commission Lin-Manuel Miranda to write Pajiba: The Musical.
Kristy: Funding Terry Gilliam’s bonkers Don Quixote movie, because someone ought to.
Emily: But actually getting the unfundable Don Quixote movie funded would take away all of the beautiful irony.
Kristy: Pretty sure it would make me a god.
Emily: Probably. But there are easier ways to become a god.
Jodi: I would fund Mantzoukas’ Nundercover. That movie NEEDS TO BE MADE.
Courtney: On that note, buy the rights to Sharknado and let Scheer, Zooks, June and Scott Aukerman do the next one.
Petr: Completely overturn Britain’s class system. Just flip it right over on its head. Let the fuckers at the top stew in the wretched mess they enforce at the bottom. It’d be worth it just for the look of despairing surprise and befuddled incomprehension.
Emily: Hey, SJW, we’re taking about popcorn flicks and boning over here. Don’t try getting noble in this group.
Petr: Yeah, but … OK, at the same time Firefly is brought back and broadcast over giant screens all across the country. But the rich-now-poor do not get to watch … Nailed it!
Emily: That’s more like it.
TK: I’d fund a franchise of Dredd movies with Karl Urban. Also get a really good Punisher movie made. The aesthetic and tone of the Lexi Alexander movie, just with a better script.
Jodi: YES. And, to that end, just giving Lexi Alexander money to direct more films.
TK: YES. And I’d accelerate the schedule for the Captain Marvel and Black Panther movies, making them the next on the slate.
Cindy Davis: I’d pay the devil or whomever to bring back Bowie, turn back time and cure his cancer.
Jodi: I WOULD CURE CANCER. And become immortal.
Petr: Fund Infinite Life Potion for Bob Dylan, because after Lemmy and Bowie I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO HANDLE DYLAN GOING!
Jodi: I’ll need to purchase some of that for the following musicians:
Petr: May I also add: all of Iron Maiden and Black Sabbath. And something to bring Warren Zevon back from the dead.
Kristy: Do we need it for SWINTON? No, right? She’s immortal and infinite.
Jodi: I think we would actually have to use SWINTON in the formulation of the Life Potion.
Emily: I’d pay for Aaron Sorkin to get a bachelors in Women’s Studies. Because that erudite son of a bitch needs to learn to write a real lady character.
TK: I’d fund a really good Ted Williams biopic or miniseries, complete with the story of his crazy family and frozen head. And I’m sure she wouldn’t do it but I’d pay good money to see Daisy Ridley knock Max Landis on his arrogant mansplaining ass.
Petr: That’s such a TK Sue thing to say.
Emily: If we’re going fantasy/ sci-fi, I need a time machine so Damon Lindelof can go back to season 4 of Lost and goddamn fix it. WE’VE SEEN THE LEFTOVERS, DL. YOU CAN’T PRETEND ANYMORE.
Rebecca: Gently bribe Damon Lindelof away from the movie industry.
Cindy: I’d fund someone to go back and finish Lost properly. Not that every little thing needed to be answered, but an overarching reasonable answer to the big things. What the island was, the time-skipping, the connections. I don’t care how supernatural or far-fetched it is; just give us the finale we deserved.
Rebecca: Ditto, but with Battlestar Galactica. None of this “Starbuck is an angel” shit. Fuck that.
Cindy: Okay, that part wasn’t my favorite, but overall I was okay with the way it ended.
Rebecca: I just couldn’t handle the “God did it” explanation. Nope. Nuh-uh. No way.
Cindy: Still better than Lost.
Emily: Every HBO subscriber gets one of those “Men In Black” memory zappers for season 2 of “True Detective.”
Cindy: For that matter, I didn’t care for Rust’s turn at the end of True Detective, season 1. I’m fixing that, too. For that matter, Nic Pizzolatto is fired.
Genevieve: Start my own version of the MacArthur genius grant! But with hookers, and blow! (Not really.) (I mean, the first part yes, but the second part no.
Genevieve: Similar to the Wu-Tang album fine print, it comes with the stipulation that if you do not use it for creative endeavors you MUST spend it all on hooker and blow, and Bill Murray is required to be there in person to verify.
Kristy: Finance Debra Granik (Winter’s Bone), Jennifer Kent (The Babadook), Ana Lily Amirpour (A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night) and Amma Asante’s (Belle) movies for as long as they’d let me.
TK: At first I read that as Armand Assante and I was like “random, but fuck it I’m in.”
Genevieve: For as much as people still like to bring up Jennifer Lawrence’s work in Winter’s Bone I’m always disappointed that Granik doesn’t get more credit for it. We’ve seen Lawrence’s work with a few other directors now and have generally been… I guess “underwhelmed” is a good enough way to describe it. There were moments in Silver Linings Playbook and American Hustle where she really had it, but nothing she’s done since has compared to her work in Winter’s Bone.
Kristy: And yet Granik can’t get arrested in this town!
TK: Which is insane!
Genevieve: I know! It’s so backwards. I do think that Jennifer Lawrence is a good actress but the only performance of hers that was front to back INCREDIBLE was because of Granik. I want her face on the red carpet instead of David O. Smuggle.…That play on “smug” and “Russell” didn’t really turn out the way I wanted it to.
TK: Disagree, I feel like you nailed it. I would have also accepted David Bro Russell, but yours is better.
Genevieve: I’d probably throw a lot of money at Tarsem Singh also. I know he doesn’t do well with little things like “plot” or “dialogue” but damnit if his movies aren’t just exceptionally stunning and that’s enough for me sometimes.
Seth Freilich: My dream project is sadly not possible anymore. First step, use my money to figure out a way to bring Gandolfini back from the dead. Then I can fund my dream project, which is an HBO version of Sarte’s No Exit with Caesar, Swearengen and Tony Soprano.
TK: Jesus. A project like that would be like staring at the sun.
Seth: Dude, it’s something I thought about FOR YEARS.
Rebecca: I’d commission a new Star Wars special edition where Oscar Isaac doing his Ex Machina dance is in the background of every single shot. Oh, and that rumored Star Wars: Rogue Squadron show that was floating around for years.
Genevieve: That would be awfully tiring for Mr.Isaac. But, you know, for a reasonable fee I’d be happy to be on hand to massage his aching muscles between each take.
Rebecca: I’m sure I can fit that in the budget. Shoot me an invoice.
Cindy: I’d fund Hannibal’s 4th season, complete with rights to Clarice and let Bryan Fuller finish out that masterpiece right (not on NBC).
Cindy: I’d fund any film George Miller wants to make.
Jodi: I’d fund Tom Hardy. In my pants.
Cindy: I’d fund directors associations for women and minorities, and there’d be grant money for good scripts to be made into films, solely by women and minorities. AND BUST UP THAT HOLLYWOOD OLD BOYS’ CLUB.
Cindy: I’d fund a Bribe J.J. Abrams account so we could find out who Rey’s family is before Episode VIII
Cindy: I know I’m the only one who watched, but I’d bring back John From Cincinnati.
Seth: I watched it. …but I wouldn’t bring it back.
Cindy: Hmpf. AND TERMINATOR: THE SARAH CONNOR CHRONICLES. It was just getting good, for crying out loud.
Seth: This, though, I’m on board with bringing back>
Cindy: After T: TSCC finished, I’d give Garret Dillahunt his own show. He’d just smile and kill everyone. I’d fund a season of Fargo that continues from the first season with Molly and Lou 1.0.
Rebecca: PUSHING. DAISIES.
Cindy: I would fund a Ban Eliza Dushku from Ever “Acting” Again account.
TK: I’d pay a hitman to off Rob Schneider.
Petr: Don’t. You’d just be giving him another role: Rob Schenider is…The Rotting Corpse!
Jodi: I would also fund this. I would also hire a hitman to literally hit specific people in the dick.
Sarah Carlson: Buy the rights to classics like Casablanca, Citizen Kane, Singin’ in the Rain, etc., and sit on them so they can’t be remade or spawn sequels/what have you. And if I can’t get the rights: Hit men.
Brock Wilbur: I have a lot of thoughts about how TV and music would be better if certain people weren’t around. The cost of a “hit” from a professional assassin starts at a base of $15k for non-political targets. So, like I said, I have a lot of thoughts.
Cindy: Ooh, Sarah made me think of Mad Men, and we need a Peggy spinoff, stat.
Jodi: I would genetically engineer the band Gorillaz to exist in more than cartoon and holographic form.
Sarah: Buy HBO and stop making Game of Thrones just to screw with people.
Jodi: OH MY GOD. Buy HBO and jump GoT ahead five years. None of the same characters are around except for the one on the Iron Throne. MUAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Sarah: And it’s Dany, and women run the place, and no more rape as a plot device.
Jodi: It basically turns into Diana’s Amazonian homeland. But with dragons there.
Kristy: A David Bowie-themed adult coloring book. I googled it. Insane as it is, that doesn’t exist.
Brian Byrd: I’d raise Joshua Jackson from the dead.
TK: I’d fund a real Hunger Games/Running Man-style survival show, where the contestants are forced to fight for survival using only their bare hands and wits. The contestants would be the GOP presidential candidates. They win when they cross the border from Mexico and find jobs and health care.
Sarah: We have a winner.