What If Directors Were Halloween Candy?
Because I love candy, I love movies, and I love serious journalism, I have decided to write a piece wherin I match up famous directors with which candy they most accurately embody. Look at me now, ma!
I expect fights about this in the comments, and I also expect you to tell me which candy Werner Herzog is.
Steven Spielberg—plain M&Ms
Back in the day, plain M&Ms were the shit. But now there are so many different types not only of M&Ms, but of other, non-M candies imitating the confectionary giant that came before it, that plain M&Ms have lost a large part of their allure. You’ll stuff your face if someone leaves a bowl out, but when was the last time you actually sought them out?
“My god, there is substance to this candy bar. There’s not even any chocolate! And look at all the peanuts—peanuts are totally healthy for you, right? This is so filling. There’s so much substance to it. Honestly, it’s barely even candy. It’s more like a… slightly more sugary granola bar.”
Nope. Still candy. Good candy, and there’s nothing wrong with being candy in the first place, but still. Stop lying to yourself.
Twizzlers have somehow wormed their way into position as one of America’s iconic candies, but who the hell knows why, because I swear to God I’ve met like two people who can even stand the taste of those licorice bastards. Honestly—who buys them?! And who goes to Brett Ratner movies? I know he must get pretty good numbers, or he wouldn’t still be making movies decades after Rush Hour. But who saw Tower Heist (worldwide gross just shy of $153 million). And why?
Wes Anderson—Reese’s Cups
Warm colors, and putting things in the middle of other things. Look, I don’t know what else you expect from me here.
Michael Bay—Pop Rocks
“Hahaha, did you know that Michael Bay explodes things? I’m gonna make a joke about it. It’s a totally new observation.”
Uwe Boll—Mary Janes
Aka that candy that one sadistic grandma always gave to trick-or-treaters despite the fact that there is not a single person on Earth who likes them.
J.J Abrams—plain Hersey’s bar
I think a lot of the hatred directed Abrams’ way from the nerdy corners of the Internet stems from the facts that A) nerds can be entitled assholes, and B) nerds somehow have this idea that Abrams is supposed to be more than he is, that he has some reputation as a bold, original filmmaker that he’s somehow not living up to. Which I don’t get, because as far as his films are concerned, he’s never really pretended to do anything other than deliver entertaining blockbuster films, which for the most part he does. (For the most part. Lookin’ at you, Star Trek Into Darkness.) I guess people are still bitter about being tricked into thinking Lost was smarter than it ended up being? Whatever. Abrams doesn’t deserve the rage. He’s OG Hershey’s—a good, solid candy option that doesn’t have any almonds or cookie bits, but it gets the job done, and at least it’s not a Crunch bar.
Chris Columbus—Crunch bar
Tim Burton—Candy Corn
In addition to sharing a strong affinity for Halloween, both Burton and candy corn are delicious at first, but you consume too much at once, you’re going to get
severely annoyed at Tim Burton sick.
Zack Snyder—Pixy Stix
Snyder’s films might have, like, negative narrative substance, but dang, they sure are pretty. Ditto pixie sticks, which are literally slightly flavored sugar. That’s you, Snyder: slightly flavored sugar.
Rebecca (@RebeccaPahle) couldn’t figure out which director her favorite candy, Bottlecaps, is.